lets see if this will put a chukle in you ho ho ho


Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's
no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to
read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on
the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman
is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
peoplebehind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm
worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass
with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I
am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered withchili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder
how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

OMG Its got to be one of the best reads ever in this section. I really
feel sorry for judge #3, He tried but couldn't hang with the Big Boys.
lol

thank u gry, but it was posted last week i just copyd it and saved it

Guess I missed it.

That was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing, poor Judge #3!!

poison, that was so funny, i was in tears before i finished reading
that. thank you.

to F*CKIN funny. i have read it before but i still laughed hard enough
to get teary eyed..LOL

HAAAAAAHAHAHAHA cant breathe too fucking funny
It took me 10 min. to compose myself enough to type!!!

I was fine until I got to the part about the snow cone took 10 minutes
and lots of towels and glass cleaner to get the coffee off the monitor

too funny...I needed a laugh...thanks!

omg I fell outta my chair and I think Ipeed
myself ((((Rick)))) you have no idea how much I needed this

poor judge #3..

poor judge #3..

OMG i laughed so hard i cried well you cant hang with the big dogs stay
off tha porch lol

Poor guy