Dr. Ruth, America’s favorite psychosexual therapist, talks about the new forms of rejection—ghosting, benching, orbiting, and breadcrumbing.
As app dating has evolved, so have those who abuse this new method of finding a partner. Not only do you need to know how to deal with rejection, but you have to know how to deal with it on social media.


That’s not to say that everyone you’d meet using the old methods had perfect manners, but I do find that some of these new ways of making people feel miserable are almost worse as they can be such time wasters.


On Ghosting

So, what is ghosting someone? You probably know, but in case you don’t, ghosting means someone just stops communicating without giving any reason why. Suddenly your texts and any other forms of communication might just as well have not been sent.
Would you ghost someone? If you would, or if you have, then you shouldn’t feel too badly if someone does it to you. If it’s behavior that you condemn, then chalk up being ghosted as part of the process of discovery and realize that you just learned something about this person that would have made him or her unacceptable to you in the long run.


Benching is when someone is stringing you along. It can be more harmful than ghosting because it leaves you hope and might cause you to wait for this person, which is just a waste of time. According to my philosophy, wasting time is the worst thing you can do since we all have so precious little of it. So, if you sense that you might be on the bench, forget about this person as quickly as possible and move on.

Orbiting occurs when you think you’ve been ghosted but discover that the person is still checking up on you on various social media sites. Is he/she still interested? Is this a form of flirting or just being curious? It’s hard to tell, which makes this habit very annoying.

Breadcrumbing occurs when someone is leaving a trail of social “breadcrumbs” so that you assume there’s some interest, but you don’t know for sure because there’s no direct contact, and you want to scream, “&^%* or get off the pot!”
Be careful of all of these new ways of being rude because they’re distractions. You’re in pursuit of love, and devoting psychic energy and time to these people who are hanging around on the periphery of your life is only going to delay you arriving at the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

How to deal with rejection
Dating is a two-way proposition, and so you’re bound to be rejected occasionally, or maybe over and over. Dealing with rejection is hard but becomes less so when it occurs regularly.

The danger with frequent rejection is that you put up a wall in order to protect yourself from being disappointed, and that in turn causes you to hide your true personality — thus making it even more likely that you’ll be rejected.

Is it worthwhile to be rejected again and again, each rejection delivering a blow to your ego? If in the end you’re going to discover true love, then the answer would be yes. But to hasten the pace of getting that one special person you’re seeking, I’d suggest learning from those rejections and seeing whether there’s something you might be doing that is putting others off.

Don’t let rejection defeat you — put yourself out there
I accept that these days a lot more relationships are formed via computers and phones than using the older methods. You almost have no choice but to follow the herd. Notice I said “almost.” The older methods of finding a partner may not be used as much, but they still can work.


My advice to anyone looking for someone to date is to tell everyone you know — friends, family members, neighbors — that you’re available. You might think that your great aunt doesn’t know any single people your age, but the women she plays cards with might have relatives who would be perfect.

The other piece of advice I have for singles is not to sit home by the phone. I understand that this expression is a little dated since in today’s world your phone goes with you wherever you go, but there are plenty of people who will binge-watch some show, maybe even on their phone, instead of going out. If you’re outside, there’s always the chance of meeting someone. If you glue yourself inside your own four walls, chance meetings are out of the question.

Some people say they don’t like the bar scene, and whenever they go to the corner launderette, there isn’t a single person in sight.

So, what do you do? You do something that you enjoy. You take a class in a subject that’s always interested you. You go to a ball game. You take your phone to the nearest Starbucks. You can’t win the lottery if you never buy a ticket, and sitting at home is just like being ticketless.

I’m not saying that you will meet someone by joining the local book club or going to a religious service, I’m only saying that the odds of you meeting someone increase if you’re out and about. And if you’re doing something enjoyable, at least you won’t have wasted your time.

Hmmm. I agree a lot with you Ladywind about, you aren't going to meet someone unless you are out and about. Even at this time, go out for walks and get fresh air.

Hey Cat, I did not write the article, but I thought it might help people who are asking why people have stopped messaging them etc. Or why we do it to them....
And the rest is interesting

Interesting to think about.

I have never just stopped messaging someone....I always tell them why, if it comes to that...and, if they chose to get stupid/ hateful..THEN I block them..simple...

I have zero respect for someone who says "well, I can't tell them why I don't want to talk to them...they will get rude/ hateful/ can't take no for an answer..."
Honey..then BLOCK them if they do that...simple..

Ok. Do you not get ugly, sexual, harrassing messages before you block them? I am not going to reply to a message which says,"Let's get naked on WhatsApp"". Which is his first or second message....
I owe no one an explanation when they are rude and disrespectful to me.
I am gone like a ghost...boo.

There are guys that think they are smooth and say , "lets take our clothes off". I say "NO".

Exactly Cat. I am not going to message them and say "I am ceasing this conversation because..."

They do not deserve anything but being haunted by my ghost...

I answer 1% of my posts and each time it is disappointing. Hence why I stick to the forums. People are far more respectful

I have noticed that in general population, there aren't that many gentlemen left. no means no. It was always supposed to mean that.... when did it become, "it really means yes" to these fools?

There are some gentlemen here in the forums I noticed, so I know they aren't ALL gone, thank gosh.... but damn, the herd's really thinning out.

Sorry to see that for those of you who are looking, or just being friendly and cordial, or those that just enjoy their time here with friends and or acquaintances

Thank you Darkowl. We all know you are one of the few gentlemen left. And we respect you for that. Keep being you friend

Excellent thoughts for the masses to ponder.

I hope so, just trying to help.

Great article Ladywind. Thank you, it's very helpful.

I certainly wasn't ensuing that I was included in such a group. I'm not.

I'm just an observer on this sharp-stony howling windy landscape. It's all I have ever been and will ever be.

To be totally honest, I have NEVER been called a gentleman to my face, and I'll have to decline anything resembling a title of such. I am, how people are to me, and that could be a complete myriad of situations. I will NEVER start anything nasty, but I will finish with the utmost incredibly wicked fanfare, and rightly so, and go to incredible lengths to end whatever it is. I have never lived in "nice" or "easy", or fair places.

I like being a friend to others, and helping if I can, yes, but.....

I'm not particularly nice or heaven forbid "sweet". If someone calls me "sweet", I "ghost" them, as in this thread... immediately.... and will never talk to them again, as long as they exist...

You are so sweet. Ghost me...🦇

Talk to me. Why is this helpful?

Done.

What are you doing up my sweet lol.

No, I do not..
Perhaps because I am old..58..don;t know what that What's thing is..do not do Skype, or any of those things.

What I DO get are nasty, hateful, mean-spirited INITIAL messages from guys I never messaged about what they dislike about me, why they think i am distasteful and repulsive...

THOSE I do not reply to...I report them as inappropriate, and block summarily.

*I* am referring to someone I HAVE BEEN CHATTING WITH...which is what the context/ premise of ghosting is....abruptly stopping communicating with someone you *have been* chatting with.

And, no..even then I have never gotten anyone asking me for nudes or "do you want to f***" once I have been chatting.
It usually ends up deteriorating due to ideological or political differences, because the morons failed to read my profile, or did, and thought *they'd* be the one special individual I would toss all my standards and preferences asides for.
Or they let something slip on the conversation that they previously answered one way to..and then I caught them in a lie, call them on it, and...that's an "I won't be with a liar, peace out"...

Sorry for the confusion

Interesting article. I think the fact that online you are cut off from body language, eye contact and unspoken cues, tone of voice etc. We are left with text.
the word friend for example, depending on the tone of voice, can be easily used in a haughty almost derogatory sense, you can't tell with text alone for sure.

so the degree of ambiguity in a text and the potential for misunderstanding is magnified by the lack of proximity. It's kind of hard going.

imagine..." I didn't mean it that way"

"yea but that's what you wrote"

And so it goes... misunderstandings / arguments, are the worst part of a relationship. on the pluss side if two people can communicate well in this time consuming, handicapped fashion, then thats a good sign. in my view.
It's just hard....

especially if it takes you 20 mins to type your piece.