Some oldies but goodies From the mayb vault...

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines
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Office Lingo

Used by the Employer...

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" = We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" = We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" = We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" = You'll be six months behind schedule on
your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" = Some time each night and some time each
weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" = Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" = We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" = Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" = If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" = We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" = You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" = You're walking into a company in
perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" = You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" = Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do it.

Used by the Employee...

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" = I can
make my own coffee.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" = I only pilfer office
supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" = I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" = I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE" = I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to
co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" = I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE" = I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO" = I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" = The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

The Wizard of Oz