Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during th e day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Hmm.

Sorry, I friend sent it to me and it was funny at the time.

Good one Rob!!

Dear Alcohol, thanks for turning half the male population into morons. Causing fights,death, abuse and broken homes.


You're the best.

Dear alcohol, Thank you so much for my 4 duis, the car accidents, the times I have spent in jail, the astronomical lawyers fees and court fines, the failure of my last relationship resulting in the ultimate sale of our dreamhouse, helping me lose a job, the time I spent in rehab because of you, the alienation of family and friends and the broken dreams caused by you. You are always so patient..ever waiting to lure me back out again. You won't stop until you have completely destroyed me. Thanks ever so much. What a truly awesome friend you are to me.

P.S. The fatty liver was a lovely extra added touch. Thank you so much for such a wonderful bonus gift.

i thought it was pretty funny myself

Yeah..it is..but alcohol isn't funny when it's f*cked with you like it has me.

Well, all I can say is that it was a joke. Some people will find this joke funny, while some will not... As far as I know, this joke is not an account of any specific persons life. If you have or have had problems with alcohol, I am very sorry for your troubles. My father was a mean drunk and beat the sh*t out of me when I was a kid. I guess I'm F***ed up because I still think this joke is funny.

Your right there OGD I have a few friends and family that got treated like you. If you don't respect it it will mess up ur life

I just said it is funny, or didn't you see that.

Cubscout..you are right. It is a horrible, terrifying disease. I do agree though that the thing rob put up is funny and I think most people would find it entertaining.

Thanks for your understanding OGD

I've been sober for 5 years now and I think it's funny!!!
Good one Rob!!

sure

Alright, new joke coming up in a minute

Ha! I didnt know suit n tie guys drank as much as jeans n tshirt guys like me, small world

I'm not a suit and tie guy. I just clean up well :)