From the book, The Language of Letting Go - November 9

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work?

We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.


Today I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.

Good post. I can definitely relate.

Thanks girl, I really needed that too!

sweet

This so true, is like you're talking about me

Amen, Sister...you are preaching to the choir.

Thanks so much for sharing.

Hugs, M

I agree, great post!

sounded like my last relationship,i got tired of doing it all and then realized there was no relationship...the only problem was if i didnt do it all the kids had to do without and i couldnt let that happen...rock and a hard place..

In the film, "What Dreams May Come," Robin Williams' character dies and finds himself in Heaven. His guide there explains that people undertake tasks as they travel through the afterlife.

Robin Williams says something to the effect of, "There's work to do? I like that."

A good relationship is the same way. It is not effortless. Pursuit of an effortless relationship is immature. In fact, like Robin Williams' character, we should be EAGER to work when we found ourselves in romantic paradise.

Yes, relationships take work. It is not effortless. But...it is unhealthy to be one-sided.

I haven't seen that movie. I should. I like Robin Williams.