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| Topic: The 80/20 Rule In Relationships | |
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I know that as soon as you decide to measure, calculate, and quantifiably analyze your relationship, you might as well end it. The act of doing this, inherently changes your "mate" to a "amusement delivery service." The only relationships worthy of the name, are those which are based on the person who cares for another, dedicating themselves to LIVING whatever life happens to be, with them. My own suspicion, is that people who put a lot of energy in to concepts LIKE this one, are actually examples of a common modern social phenomena, where the influence of commercial-pseudo-science, as a form of reassurance, results in people trying to "prove" to themselves that they are on the right track in life. Just to be clear, I really dont take the numerical aspect of this ratio principle literally.I really think it is more of a philosophical guage, rather than a numerical one. But I would agree that it implies the concept of measuring, and here is how I feel about measuring... For every venture on the planet , there is an expected deliverable , which ultimately becomes the barometer we will be measured against. Whether people want to admit it to themselves or not, we all have barometers for measuring our relationships . Our standards are barometers. Our wedding vows are barometers . Our feeling responses to our mate's actions are barometers. The goals we set with our partners are barometers. Even the term "love" or " care" is a baromometer of sorts because there are deliverables we expect to accompany those words . Without those deliverables, love is an abstract and meaningless word. Which human being goes into a relationship loving someone but expecting no deliverables of love in return or no added value to their lives? Your mate is only reduced to an amusement delivery service if one or both persons are riding on the efforts that one person is investing, without putting in sufficuent effort themselves for the other person to ride on. I will also add that although I do think that relationships involve measurement/ assessment, that they should also be anchored in personal principles and self accountability . For eg, even if I feel like my partner isnt measuring up in terms if meeting some of my fundamemtal needs , my personal principles of commitment would keep me from abandoning the relationship . And my inclination towards self accountability will inspire me to question where I personally am going wrong in the relationship and focus my efforts on improving myself and my contribution to the relationship. In other words , measurement or assessment in a relationship is natural , and only becomes burdensome and damaging when they are not accompanied with self- accountability, self work and values like commitment or honor I exactly, completely, and in great detail, disagree with you on every point. When I am hiring someone to fix my car, invest my money, yeah sure. Quantify everything and get returns on investments. Perhaps I'm in the tiniest minority on the planet, especially these days, but if there are calculators in the room with us, as far as I'm concerned, it aint love. Just the way I was raised, maybe. You have shared the list of qualities you were looking for in a woman and a relationship right here on mingle. You have also listed several times the things you will not tolerate in a relationship. Those are standards you have outlined, and the judgments that you make of people's behaviors . are measured against that standard you created. If you prefer to use a term that doesn't involve numbers, then fine by me, But based upon the lists of behaviours you claimed you will or will not tolerate right here on mingle, you have been carefully assessing and measuring prospective mates ,without even knowing that you have done it. |
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Ohh.. great!! now I have to add numbers.?
 
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Ohh.. great!! now I have to add numbers.?
As if you havent been doing it all along Doc... 
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It's should be 100% from both. Compromise and a willingness to put the other first. That's what's wrong with a lot of people now. It's all about "me" and what "I" want. A lot of people are too caught up in "self."
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It's should be 100% from both. Compromise and a willingness to put the other first. That's what's wrong with a lot of people now. It's all about "me" and what "I" want. A lot of people are too caught up in "self." The 80/20 rule doesnt address the percentage of effort that both parties hould invest in their relationship Charles. It is addressing how much of your core relationship needs that any partner can realistically meet. But if you are addressing my question about people entering relationships expecting their partner to make them a hundred % happy all the time,then I agree with you that people are too caught up in self these days and that both parties are supposed to be trying to meet the other person's needs. But like some of the other respondents said, their are sessons when one party may be going through something very traumatic , and during seasons like that, the other party who is less stressed at the time does end up putting in more of the effort into the relationship. That;s life sometimes. |
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I know that as soon as you decide to measure, calculate, and quantifiably analyze your relationship, you might as well end it. The act of doing this, inherently changes your "mate" to a "amusement delivery service." The only relationships worthy of the name, are those which are based on the person who cares for another, dedicating themselves to LIVING whatever life happens to be, with them. My own suspicion, is that people who put a lot of energy in to concepts LIKE this one, are actually examples of a common modern social phenomena, where the influence of commercial-pseudo-science, as a form of reassurance, results in people trying to "prove" to themselves that they are on the right track in life. Just to be clear, I really dont take the numerical aspect of this ratio principle literally.I really think it is more of a philosophical guage, rather than a numerical one. But I would agree that it implies the concept of measuring, and here is how I feel about measuring... For every venture on the planet , there is an expected deliverable , which ultimately becomes the barometer we will be measured against. Whether people want to admit it to themselves or not, we all have barometers for measuring our relationships . Our standards are barometers. Our wedding vows are barometers . Our feeling responses to our mate's actions are barometers. The goals we set with our partners are barometers. Even the term "love" or " care" is a baromometer of sorts because there are deliverables we expect to accompany those words . Without those deliverables, love is an abstract and meaningless word. Which human being goes into a relationship loving someone but expecting no deliverables of love in return or no added value to their lives? Your mate is only reduced to an amusement delivery service if one or both persons are riding on the efforts that one person is investing, without putting in sufficuent effort themselves for the other person to ride on. I will also add that although I do think that relationships involve measurement/ assessment, that they should also be anchored in personal principles and self accountability . For eg, even if I feel like my partner isnt measuring up in terms if meeting some of my fundamemtal needs , my personal principles of commitment would keep me from abandoning the relationship . And my inclination towards self accountability will inspire me to question where I personally am going wrong in the relationship and focus my efforts on improving myself and my contribution to the relationship. In other words , measurement or assessment in a relationship is natural , and only becomes burdensome and damaging when they are not accompanied with self- accountability, self work and values like commitment or honor I exactly, completely, and in great detail, disagree with you on every point. When I am hiring someone to fix my car, invest my money, yeah sure. Quantify everything and get returns on investments. Perhaps I'm in the tiniest minority on the planet, especially these days, but if there are calculators in the room with us, as far as I'm concerned, it aint love. Just the way I was raised, maybe. You have shared the list of qualities you were looking for in a woman and a relationship right here on mingle. You have also listed several times the things you will not tolerate in a relationship. Those are standards you have outlined, and the judgments that you make of people's behaviors . are measured against that standard you created. If you prefer to use a term that doesn't involve numbers, then fine by me, But based upon the lists of behaviours you claimed you will or will not tolerate right here on mingle, you have been carefully assessing and measuring prospective mates ,without even knowing that you have done it. We're talking about different things, using the same terminology then. My point is that I DON'T measure my mate. What you are referring to, are aspects of how I go about CHOOSING a potential mate. Even in that respect, I still don't do any calculations at all, numerical or otherwise. |
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I know that as soon as you decide to measure, calculate, and quantifiably analyze your relationship, you might as well end it. The act of doing this, inherently changes your "mate" to a "amusement delivery service." The only relationships worthy of the name, are those which are based on the person who cares for another, dedicating themselves to LIVING whatever life happens to be, with them. My own suspicion, is that people who put a lot of energy in to concepts LIKE this one, are actually examples of a common modern social phenomena, where the influence of commercial-pseudo-science, as a form of reassurance, results in people trying to "prove" to themselves that they are on the right track in life. Just to be clear, I really dont take the numerical aspect of this ratio principle literally.I really think it is more of a philosophical guage, rather than a numerical one. But I would agree that it implies the concept of measuring, and here is how I feel about measuring... For every venture on the planet , there is an expected deliverable , which ultimately becomes the barometer we will be measured against. Whether people want to admit it to themselves or not, we all have barometers for measuring our relationships . Our standards are barometers. Our wedding vows are barometers . Our feeling responses to our mate's actions are barometers. The goals we set with our partners are barometers. Even the term "love" or " care" is a baromometer of sorts because there are deliverables we expect to accompany those words . Without those deliverables, love is an abstract and meaningless word. Which human being goes into a relationship loving someone but expecting no deliverables of love in return or no added value to their lives? Your mate is only reduced to an amusement delivery service if one or both persons are riding on the efforts that one person is investing, without putting in sufficuent effort themselves for the other person to ride on. I will also add that although I do think that relationships involve measurement/ assessment, that they should also be anchored in personal principles and self accountability . For eg, even if I feel like my partner isnt measuring up in terms if meeting some of my fundamemtal needs , my personal principles of commitment would keep me from abandoning the relationship . And my inclination towards self accountability will inspire me to question where I personally am going wrong in the relationship and focus my efforts on improving myself and my contribution to the relationship. In other words , measurement or assessment in a relationship is natural , and only becomes burdensome and damaging when they are not accompanied with self- accountability, self work and values like commitment or honor I exactly, completely, and in great detail, disagree with you on every point. When I am hiring someone to fix my car, invest my money, yeah sure. Quantify everything and get returns on investments. Perhaps I'm in the tiniest minority on the planet, especially these days, but if there are calculators in the room with us, as far as I'm concerned, it aint love. Just the way I was raised, maybe. You have shared the list of qualities you were looking for in a woman and a relationship right here on mingle. You have also listed several times the things you will not tolerate in a relationship. Those are standards you have outlined, and the judgments that you make of people's behaviors . are measured against that standard you created. If you prefer to use a term that doesn't involve numbers, then fine by me, But based upon the lists of behaviours you claimed you will or will not tolerate right here on mingle, you have been carefully assessing and measuring prospective mates ,without even knowing that you have done it. We're talking about different things, using the same terminology then. My point is that I DON'T measure my mate. What you are referring to, are aspects of how I go about CHOOSING a potential mate. Even in that respect, I still don't do any calculations at all, numerical or otherwise. ... And how you go about choosing a potential mate from what I understand , is placing the behaviours of prospects up against a standard that you created. This is what we all do . I dont know how you can not see that this is a form of measuring , but its certainly not worth debating. I respect whatever term you use to describe your assessment process for mate selectiin. Cheers! 
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Rule in Relationship- BIBLE the Standard. Forget the Philosophers... Man is the Head to protect, provide, Love , guide, and respect the woman, woman submit to your man
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Sat 05/28/16 04:13 AM
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Rule in Relationship- BIBLE the Standard. Forget the Philosophers... Man is the Head to protect, provide, Love , guide, and respect the woman, woman submit to your man I respect the biblical standards you live by Heromanuel, but please understand that not everyone shares your religious beliefs , and we should strive to have respect for people whose belief systems are different to our own. Also , please bear in mind that the 80/20 rule is not clash with any biblical standards from what I can see. It fundamentally embraces the principle that none of us are perfect, and therefore shouldnt expect perfection from our partner. Welcome to the forum Heromanuel
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The thing is, there are two basic relationships, relative to the subject of this thread:
1) relationships on the way to coming into existence; 2) relationships where the commitment has already been made. The whole idea of quantifying things, can ONLY be a part of figuring out who to risk commitment to. That's the point I'm trying to make. Once the commitment is made, if you continue to calculate percentages, then you HAVEN'T really committed, and your relationship is doomed to be some sort of temporary service arrangement. That's it. If you want to use some percentage (impossible to ACTUALLY calculate, by the way) to make your mind up whether to commit or not, that's one thing. But if you hold on to your calculations, you CAN'T commit. |
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The thing is, there are two basic relationships, relative to the subject of this thread: 1) relationships on the way to coming into existence; 2) relationships where the commitment has already been made. The whole idea of quantifying things, can ONLY be a part of figuring out who to risk commitment to. That's the point I'm trying to make. Once the commitment is made, if you continue to calculate percentages, then you HAVEN'T really committed, and your relationship is doomed to be some sort of temporary service arrangement. That's it. If you want to use some percentage (impossible to ACTUALLY calculate, by the way) to make your mind up whether to commit or not, that's one thing. But if you hold on to your calculations, you CAN'T commit. We all have dealbreakers or standards that we are prepared to leave our partners over if they fall short of them. For some, that dealbreaker is physical or emotional abuse, for some it's cheating etc. This standard isnt just set in choosing a mate as you suggested. It remains a constant standard that the both parties are holding each other to. One could argue that it is a mutual contract that both parties may agree upon, which is what a marriage is , but it is still a standard that two people are holding each other AND the relationship to.Its a barometer. If that barometer didn't exist , then you are implying that there are no dealbreakers for you once you are committed in a relationship. This is not about me disagreeing with your stance . This is about me not understanding the logic of your stance. |
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