Dr. Sickoff's Red Pencil Dirty/Sick/Rude/Crude/Offensive/Non-PC Joke Database!

� 2002 by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Warning: For Mature Readers Only!

A MAN CAME IN FROM THE YARD AND TOLD HIS WIFE, "I JUST MOWED THE LAWN WITHOUT MY SHIRT ON AND NOW MY BACK IS STIFF." "GO BACK OUT WITHOUT YOUR PANTS ON" SHE REPLIED.

WHAT DID THE FDA CLASSIFY CONDOMS AS? CHILDPROOF CONTAINERS.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CONDOM AND A COFFIN? BOTH ARE FILLED WITH STIFFS, BUT ONE'S COMING AND ONE'S GOING.

A MAN CAME HOME TO HIS WIFE AND TOLD HIM HIS DICK WAS CAUGHT IN THE PICKLE SLICER AND HE WAS FIRED. SHE UNZIPPED HIS PANTS AND ASKED HIM, "WHY, IT'S ALRIGHT, WHERE'S THE PICKLE SLICER?" "OH, SHE GOT FIRED TOO!"

WHAT DO A WOMAN AND A HARLEY HAVE IN COMMON? THEY BOTH DRIP FOR 10 MINUTES AFTER YOU RIDE THEM.

WHAT IS THE LIGHTEST ORGAN? A PENIS, A MERE THOUGHT CAN RAISE IT.

WHAT DOES A WOMAN SAY AFTER HER 3RD ORGASM? WHAT, YOU DON'T KNOW?

DID YOU ALL HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BREAKFAST CEREAL FOR IMPOTENT MEN? IT'S CALLED: NUT 'N RAISIN HONEY!

THREE WOMEN WERE TALKING. "I CALL MY MAN SEVEN-UP BECAUSE HE HAS 7 INCHES AND ALWAYS HAS A HARDON". "I CALL MY MAN MOUNTAIN DEW BECAUSE HE LOVES TO DRINK FROM MY MOUNTAINS." "WELL THAT'S NOTHING," SAID THE LAST ONE, "I CALL MY MAN JOHNNY WALKER." "WE DON'T GET IT," THEY SAID, "THAT'S JUST A HARD LIQUOR." "EXACTLY!" SHE REPLIED.

HOW MANY MICE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB? TWO, IF THEY CAN GET INSIDE.

A COUPLE WERE IN BED AND THE WIFE WAS GETTING HORNY, SO SHE SAID TO HER HUBBY, WHO WAS A LAUNDRYMAN, THAT SHE'D LIKE A QUICK RINSE AND SPIN. "TOO LATE, HONEY," HE SAID, "I HAD A SMALL LOAD SO I DID IT BY HAND."

A HORNY MAN WENT TO HIS WIFE'S BED CARRYING A GLASS OF WATER AND AN ASPIRIN. "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE HONEY!" SHE SAID. "GOTCHA!"

WHAT IS THE SIGN OF A MACHO WOMAN? SHE KICKSTARTS HER VIBRATOR AND ROLLS HER OWN TAMPONS.

WHY DO SOME WOMEN LIKE TO PLAY PAC-MAN? IT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW TO GET EATEN 3 TIMES FOR A QUARTER.

WHAT'S RED AND HAS SEVEN LITTLE DENTS? SNOW WHITE'S CHERRY.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A VIRGIN ON A WATERBED? A CHERRY FLOAT.

THE DEFINITION OF MASTURBATION? COMING UNSCREWED.

WHAT'S THE ULTIMATE REJECTION? WHEN YOU'RE MASTURBATING AND YOUR HAND FALLS ASLEEP.

"BONES! THAT! FEELS! WONDERFUL!" SAID CAPTAIN KIRK. "WHAT IS IT?" "IT'S HEAD, JIM."

WHY DO WOMEN LIKE HUNTERS? THEY ALWAYS GO DEEP INTO THE BUSH, SHOOT TWICE, AND EAT WHAT THEY SHOOT.

THREE GUYS WERE FISHING AT A LAKE IN THE SUMMER, WHEN ONE OF THEM FELL IN. AFTER RESCUING HIM FROM THE BOTTOM, THE FIRST GUY GAVE HIM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION. "MAN, THIS GUY REALLY HAS BAD BREATH!" HE EXCLAIMED. "I CAN'T REVIVE HIM, YOU GIVE IT A TRY!" THE SECOND GUY TOOK HIS TURN. "MAN, YOU'RE RIGHT, HE DOES HAVE RAUNCHY BAD BREATH, AND I DON'T REMEMBER THIS SNOWMOBILE SUIT EITHER!"

CINDERELLA HAD MARRIED PRINCE CHARMING AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS. THEN SHE BEGAN TO GET BORED AND STARTED PLAYING AROUND WITH OTHER MALE MEMBERS OF THE COURT AND THE LAND. HER FAIRY GODMOTHER WAS VERY UPSET THAT CINDY WAS DOING THIS AND TOLD HER TO STOP. WELL, CINDERELLA DIDN'T LISTEN, SO THE FAIRY GODMOTHER TURNED CINDERELLA'S PERSONAL PARTS INTO PUMPKIN PIECES. AFTER A FEW WEEKS THE FAIRY GODMOTHER CHECKED IN ON CINDY AND FOUND THAT CINDERELLA WAS GRINNING HAPPILY. "WHAT'S HAPPENED? YOU'RE NO LONGER BORED?" "OH NO, REPLIED CINDY! I'VE JUST MET PETER PETER PUMPKIN EATER!

THE DEFINITION OF A BRUTE? A MAN WHO USES A TIRE IRON TO PUT ON HIS RUBBER.

WHAT IS THE RODEO POSITION? DO HER DOGGIE STYLE THEN TELL HER SHE'S THE WORST YOU EVER HAD. NOW TRY TO HOLD ON FOR 8 SECONDS.

A WOMAN WAS STANDING AT A BUS STOP NEXT TO A MAN IN A TRENCH COAT. SHE ASKED HIM FOR THE TIME. HE PULLED OUT HIS PETER, LOOKED AT IT, AND SAID, "TEN THIRTY". SHE WAS STARTLED, BUT SAID IT MUST BE AT LEAST NOON. HE THEN TOOK OUT HIS COCK AGAIN AND BEGAN TO VIGOROUSLY BEAT IT, SAYING "YOU'RE RIGHT, LADY, I FORGOT TO WIND IT!"

WHAT WERE THE FIRST WORDS ADAM SPOKE TO EVE? "I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG THIS THING GETS".

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A COMPUTER. A WOMAN WOULD NOT ACCEPT A 3 1/2 INCH FLOPPY.

A MAN WENT TO BED WITH A STIFF PROPOSITION AND WOKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.

WHAT 2 THINGS IN THE AIR CAN MAKE A WOMAN PREGNANT? HER LEGS.

THIS GUY GOES TO A BULLFIGHT IN MEXICO. AFTERWARDS HE GOES TO A CANTINA ACROSS THE STREET. HE GETS THERE JUST AS THEY'RE OPENING, AND THIS GUY RUSHES UP AND YELLS AT THE OWNER, "HEY! GIMME THE DAILY SPECIAL!" THE OWNER SAYS, "IT'S YOURS!" THE MAN ASKS THE OWNER WHAT THE DAILY SPECIAL IS. THE OWNER TELLS HIM, "SENOR, THE DAILY SPECIAL IS ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS." SO THE NEXT DAY THE MAN DECIDES TO SKIP THE BULLFIGHT AND GO RIGHT TO THE CANTINA. HE GETS THERE JUST AS IT OPENS AND YELLS, "GIMME THE DAILY SPECIAL!" "IT'S YOURS, SENOR." THE MAN EATS THE WHOLE MEAL AND IT IS DELICIOUS. HE CALLS THE OWNER OVER AND COMPLIMENTS HIM BUT ASKS WHY THE OYSTERS WERE SMALLER THAN YESTERDAY'S. "SENOR," HE ANSWERED, "SOMETIMES THE BULL WINS!"

A MAN WAS SCREWING HIS WIFE WHEN HIS PETER SLIPPED AND CAUGHT A SLIVER OF GLASS. A LITTLE LATER HE WAS SCREWING HER UP AGAINST THE WALL WHEN IT SLIPPED AND HIT A WOODEN DOOR. WHEN THE BABY WAS BORN IT HAD A GLASS EYE AND A WOODEN LEG.

"EVERY TIME I SNEEZE I HAVE AN ORGASM," SAID THE FIRST WOMAN. "OH, WHAT DO YOU TAKE FOR IT?" ASKED THE SECOND. "SNUFF."

WHAT DO SPAGHETTI AND WOMEN HAVE IN COMMON? THEY BOTH WIGGLE WHEN YOU EAT THEM.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND HERPES? LOVE DOESN'T LAST FOREVER.

WHAT ARE THE 5 REASONS FOR NOT WANTING TO BE AN EGG? 1. YOU ONLY GET LAID ONCE. 2. YOU ONLY GET EATEN ONCE. 3. IT TAKES YOU 7 MIN. TO GET HARD. 4. YOU HAVE TO COME IN A BOX WITH 11 OTHER GUYS. 5. THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER SITS ON YOUR FACE IS YOUR MOTHER.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCKLOAD OF VIBRATORS? TOYS FOR TWATS.

WHAT DO SOY BEANS AND DILDOS HAVE IN COMMON? BOTH ARE MEAT SUBSTITUTES.

WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A BORN LOSER? A MAN WHO FALLS INTO A SEA OF **** AND COMES UP SUCKING HIS THUMB.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A HOOT OWL WITH A GARTER SNAKE? SOMETHING THAT IS 12 INCHES LONG AND STAYS UP ALL NIGHT.

WHY DOES ***** SMELL LIKE FISH? BECAUSE *** LOOKS LIKE TARTAR SAUCE!

A MAN CAME HOME TO FIND HIS WIFE PACKING. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" HE ASKED. "TO LAS VEGAS, I FOUND THAT A GIRL CAN MAKE $50 FOR DOING WHAT I DO FOR FREE WITH YOU." HE ALSO THEN BEGAN PACKING, SAYING, "I'M GOING TO VEGAS TOO. I WANT TO SEE HOW YOU CAN LIVE ON $50 A MONTH!"

A BOY PUT A CAT IN A MICROWAVE OVEN, AND NOW EVERYTHING YOU COOK IN IT TASTES LIKE *****.

WHY IS A CUCUMBER BETTER THAN A MAN? IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SLEEP IN THE WET SPOT.

WHY IS SEX LIKE PIZZA? WHEN IT'S GOOD, IT'S PRETTY GOOD. AND WHEN IT'S BAD, WELL, IT'S STILL PRETTY GOOD.

WHAT'S BLUE AND COMES IN BROWNIES? CUB SCOUTS.

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