I have heard it explained that smalltalk serves to facilitate the development of first impressions. By discussing trivial topics, two people can focus on one another and determine whether or not there is any chemistry there.

May I just fail to understand the way in which most women are attracted to men, but this does not seem productive to me. First, at least for me, chemistry is largely based on visual perception. I determine a great deal about chemistry before I ever talk to a girl.

Second, what kind of impressions can somebody possibly form in a five minute conversation about the weather and the local sport team? I don't understand the need for this sort of first impression. I can't convey to a woman the sorts of things for which I want to be desired. It's hard to demonstrate integrity, chastity, and respect in a brief conversation with little or no actual substance.

This is why I tend to like online dating. I can write a profile that presents the aspects of myself that I find admirable. Sure, I think I look okay, I shower regularly, and I don't have a foul mouth, but those are the bare minimum. It's hard to see, though, how a woman might come away from a smalltalk chat with me with any significant information about who I am. On what criteria, then, is she supposed to judge whether or not she'd ever care to have a second conversation with me?

I think talking helps us to get to know one another.
Looks are'nt as important to me as substance is- what a man is
made of.

Yet men are quite visual sometimes.

Welcome to JSH!

MsTeddyBear2u, I think my gripe with smalltalk is that it doesn't allow somebody to get to know the substance of a person. The subject matter is all superficial. Substance is, in my experience, deemed too much for a first conversation. I've basically been told before, by people who are better at smalltalk than I am, that when you walk up to somebody in a bar, they don't want to talk about integrity, philosophy, or literature. In fact, the way it's been described to me, the less the subject matters, the better it is for smalltalk. What is being exchanged there, then, that is so valuable? What so other people see and absorb that either flies right over my head or which does not register as relevant to me?

If you are able to maintain some small talk it shows that you have the ability to blend in with a variety of people and won't make a fool of yourself if she introduces you to her friends or family. You can have all the chemistry in the world, but if you open your mouth and embarrass her because you can't carry on a conversation that isn't just about what you like, then who cares.

Who on earth would walk up to someone and say " hi there, I believe that integrity is of the utmost importance in a relationship, what about you?".

I mean, small talk is a way to "break the ice" so you can in time, get to the more substantial conversation.

If you walk up to a complete stranger and start blithering off about new and politics or whatever, they will think you are a nut case.

Maybe I'm missing the idea here though I have no idea

I find it useful as a means of evaluating the other person's vocabulary, ability to verbally express meanings, fluency with things like sentence structure and grammar, etc. These things matter to me; I typically insist on talking to someone on the phone for at least a week before I ever agree to meet in person.

Not all of those conversations will necessarily be small talk, either, but parts of some of them, at the very least, will be, and those can tell me a lot.

I kind of agree with emphraim. A lot of good people I've met are shy or don't care to chit chat. It just depends on the person. I'd rather see depth than how well they can talk about things that don't matter.

But the online thing just throws everything out of whack. A lot of people I've met from online are "funny" on the forums or on IM, but when we meet in real life or even just move to the phone, it doesn't surprise me that they stick to social networking online.

Dunno...to each his own!

Oh yes. And I agree with Lex. Move to the phone as soon as you can and then meet for coffee right away. There's no point in dragging out emails or IMs because you build up this false sense of the person.

Saturnswirls, that sounds to me like the purpose of smalltalk is judging whether or not somebody is capable of making smalltalk. Is it really that important to people that others be able to make conversation about topics that are designed not to matter to anybody? To me, that just sounds like a celebration of making noise without actually communicating anything.

SincereMan51, why don't people break the ice with discussions about integrity, politics, or current events? Aren't those things interesting? Wouldn't they make for a more stimulating introduction to somebody in whom you are interested than last night's episode of Scrubs? If the purpose of talking to somebody is to get to know them, why wouldn't you choose a topic that you (and hopefully the other person) actually cares about?

well of course they are interesting but I consider that coming on kind of strong. I mean, maybe it's just me but I begin slow and work up to the more important conversations. The small talk is basically a flirt so to speak to see if that person is actually interested in speaking to you in the first place.

Why discuss heavier subject matter with someone that may not even want to talk to you anyway?

I like it. Nothing too heavy and it lets you know a little about the other person. It's not always about what they say but how they say it. Whether they look at you or make eye contact. How they word their answers. Hearing their laugh or giggle. Looking at each other. Body language. The topic could be as simple as the weather and you can get a feel for the other from the way they answer you.
Just talk to people. Very few of them bite!

I guess I don't understand how making smalltalk helps somebody to decide whether or not they'd like to have a deeper conversation with me. The array of "safe" smalltalk subjects doesn't even make ME want to talk to me. It's as engaging as pocket lint. How does being boring help to impress anybody?

Hmmm...are we still talking about 'online' chit-chatting, or 'real life' chit-chatting?

Well, the point is as I said above, if you start out talking to a complete stranger about the theory of relativity, she is probably gonna think you are some kind of freak.

I seriously can't see ANYONE walking up to somebody and begining a conversation that way. But I will also admit I've never tried it and maybe the people who do it are super lucky with the opposite sex. I have no idea.

It certainly will not be my style though.

It shouldn't matter really but do any of you begin a conversation like that online?

I guess some of what I said might not apply to online chatting. The verbiage part does though. I often get the idea that the shorter the response, the less interest someone has.

BayAreaGal, I'm talking about real life chit-chat.

KidAtHeart70 (and LexFonteyne and KLC), that makes somewhat more sense to me. It rings true, but I really hope that's not the case. If it is, I'm screwed. How am I supposed to have positive body language when I'm talking about a subject that bores me (and therefore makes me feel anxious about feeling boring?)

Sincereman51, I suppose if I were really confident about myself, which I'm not, I could just as easily turn your question around and ask why people are so shallow and ignorant that they don't want to talk about the theory of relativity.

Oh Man! If I meet a guy that can talk about Scrubs I will definitely be more interested in him and want to know what else he has to say on other subjects.

If I'm on an elevator or in the line at the DMV and some guy wants to discuss the theory of evolution vs. creationism, I would honestly think the guy is a wack job.

Small talk or pleasantries are an icebreaker to quote sincereman. You can't just strike up a deep conversation without establishing a level of comfort with the person you are talking to.

It's really just the inertia of social convention. Just as we don't walk up to a stranger and say, "Hey, let's you and me get married right now," social convention dictates that there is a graduality to the "getting-to-know-you" process. Start off casual and build up to the deeper levels. This is what we see, this is the image we are provided with as we grow up in this culture.

But there really is no reason, other than many years of blind conformity (and human lassitude), why it couldn't be otherwise. It would take a massive shift in people's perceptive abilities and expectations, though, and most people are just too lazy or otherwise unmotivated for that sort of thing.