This is how we do it.

http://youtu.be/PVi8bJFIac8/

Montel Jordan- w/ lyrics

Hey all, loving the party..

Thank you.. I so wish I could dance now. Dang body

RustyKitty,

Welcome

http://youtu.be/xFrGuyw1V8s/

ABBA
Dancing Queen

do you have to have hair lol

calligular

... . Are you Caligula as in Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus. Or are you Calligula as in EvE or F@ckbook?

Oh, thanks for getting that song stuck in my head. Ack!

I'll have to crank up some Clapton or something to displace it.

Good suggestion, I will try that.
If all else fails... Jonny Cash live at San Quentin..



No worries RustyKitty, everyone's theme song plays in my head.

[Comes in with bed-head, all squinty-eyed]

"1/2 day today, I woke up at Noon. Figuring Saturday is only gunna last till about midnight."

[Looks for and finds coffee]

"ah, Coffee"

The song I get stuck in my head is
"I Wanna Be A Puppy Dog"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjejzkWac6k

Oh Crap, I played to post it! Now its in my head again!

[Looks for & finds coffee]

http://youtu.be/AZQxH_8raCI/

"ah, Coffee"

if all else fails i have the sure fire cure to removing songs stuck in your head

Aw, not that cordless drill trick again?

"That would have worked if you hadn't stopped me." <== Another movie quote for Melmaxx or TMommy (or anyone) to ID.

Morning Humor,

If God Was A Woman....

1. Sex would smell like chocolate.

2. Farts would smell like roses.

3. Dogs would smell spring fresh.

4. Babies would come from vending machines.

5. Men would be born with a permanent erection.

6. All women would have the same size breasts.

7. There would be no cellulite.

8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.

9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch.

10. There would be no "Hooters".

11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!

13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.

14. Men would come with software to be custom designed.

15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.

16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.

17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.

18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.

20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

* Author Unknown*

A Dog Called "Sex"
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair.

Dogs vs Men
Why dogs are better than men

* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
* Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs don't criticize your friends.
* Dogs admit when they're jealous.
* Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
* Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
* You can train a dog.
* Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
* You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
* Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
* Dogs understand what "no" means.
* Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
* Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* You can house train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Dogs don't correct your stories.
* Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
* Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they're lost.
* Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs take care of their own needs.
* Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.

How dogs and men are the same

* Both take up too much space on the bed.
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
* Both are threatened by their own kind.
* Both like to chew wood.
* Both mark their territory.
* Both are bad at asking you questions.
* Neither tells you what's bothering them.
* Both tend to smell riper with age.
* The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
* Both have an inordinate fascination with women.s crotches.
* Neither does any dishes.
* Both fart shamelessly.
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
* Both like dominance games.
* Both are suspicious of the postman.
* Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
* Neither understands what you see in cats.

Why men are better than dogs

* Men only have two feet to track in mud.
* Men can buy you presents.
* Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
* Men are a little bit more subtle.
* Men open their own cans.
* Dogs have dog breath all the time.
* Men can do math stuff.
* Holiday Inns accept men.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Alisha DeWitt, July 1996.

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, cool.b ) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Robin E J Stevens, May 1996.

Diary of a Paranoid Cat
Monday
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favourite chair....must try this on their bed.

Wednesday
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was....Hmm. Not working according to plan.....

Friday
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Philson Ray, September 1999.

Rules for the Modern Woman

In the interests of better understanding between the sexes, it is time that the rules of engagement were codified, at least for women, since they seem to be under some illusions about how we blokes view the world.

So girls, if you have any questions about any of the rules, talk to an available non-SNAG or T.U.R.D. (Totally Understanding Relationships Dude) for clarification.

And remember, mistakes will be tolerated as long as they are infrequent and you apologise nicely.

This is vital information that should be imparted to daughters when they are young so they get it right when they grow up.

1. Two pies and a few beers at a footy game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
2. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress exactly like all our friends. Thus, you can buy almost anything we need at Just Jeans or Lowes.
3. If we see you in the morning and at night, why do we need to call you from work?
4. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? And what exactly is wrong with those sexy colours you say make you look like a whore?
5. You probably wouldn't want to know what we're thinking about.
6. Silence is golden and does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
7. Things you can help with: raising the children, the Sunday crossword, gardening, the dishes, cleaning, washing the cars and grocery shopping.
8. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, assembling anything that's easy to assemble, watching anything on TV, playing cards, smoking cigars and choosing the beer.
9. Socks do not constitute a gift.
10. Department stores and shopping malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tyres, hardware or sporting equipment nearby.
11. We don't know anything about clothes/handbags/shoes/belts/jewellery. Or matching things together. Or what colours go with your skin. Don't even ask.
12. We did water the plants. They died anyway. It is an immutable law of the Universe. Nobody knows why this happens.
13. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
14. Our old clothes are friends, companions, and treasured artefacts of a bygone age. You throw them away or convert them into polishing rags at your peril.
15. A discussion is where sincere views are frankly aired in rational debate. Most men enjoy a discussion, so try to avoid the temptation to turn it into an argument by bursting into tears and storming out of the room if you do not agree on a minor point.
16. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
17. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
18. It is in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
19. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
20. Dinner out is a reasonable birthday present. Two tickets to a rugby game is much better.
21. No, you cannot have the remote control.
22. No, I will not turn down the volume on the hifi.
23. If you must take us with you into lingerie shops, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and it only adds to our discomfort.
24. Buying things that are bargains simply because they are bargains is not the same as saving money.
25. Having young skin is probably a good thing, but not if it's wrapped around an old body.
26. Inability or unwillingness to cook for us is not a charming 90's feminine trait.
27. Moving the furniture around every few weeks does not make the house more liveable. It impinges upon our sense of continuity.
28. We know that you are not really dressing nicely and attending to your make-up for our benefit, so don't bother pretending.
29. We cannot tell you what we feel, only what we think.
30. If after a few years we don't pay you so much attention and don't compliment you all the time it's not because we love you any less, it's because we don't like you as much.
31. Hair styles are not a constant source of fascination for us. If we don't notice that you've changed yours, it's because we fundamentally don't care, so please don't get upset about it.
32. Astrology, numerology, palm readings, clairvoyancy and anything to do with crystals is complete bollucks designed for the exploitation of the weak of mind and spirit. Please do not make it obvious if you are in this category. We will only reveal our birthdays if you promise not to tell us what star signs we are.
33. If you must share your most intimate secrets with girlfriends or any other woman who will talk to you on a train, we prefer anonymity. Just refer to me as "Mr X" so your friends don't glare at me when I meet them.
34. Men are generally more interesting company than women, so when you're invited somewhere try not to bore the guys, and leave quietly if you're asked to.

Based on an unoriginal message by Bob Highland, received February 1997.

Thoughts for the Day...

* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
* What's a synonym for Thesaurus?
* What's brown and sticky? A stick.
* What's shorter than a weekend? A vacation!
* What's the speed of dark?
* When all else fails, call Bill Gates at home.
* When all else fails, read the manual.
* When all is said and done, more is said than done.
* When an old person dies, a library burns down.
* When I want your advice, I'll beat it out of you!
* When I want your advice, I'll give it to you!
* When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
* When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
* When in doubt, tell the truth.
* When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
* When liberals grow up they want to be conservatives.
* When money speaks, truth keeps silent.
* When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns.
* When puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.
* When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.
* When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
* When vultures fly they're allowed carrion luggage.
* When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
* When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure you're dead.
* When you were born the doctor slapped your mother.
* When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
* When you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
* When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
* When your IQ hits 28, sell!
* Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes.
* Where can I find a synonym for thesaurus?
* Where do bees go potty? At a BP station.
* Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
* Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
* Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
* Where is everything? All I typed was format c:.
* Where law ends, tyranny begins.
* Where there's a will there's a beneficiary.
* Where there's a will, there's an attorney.
* Where there's smoke, there's toast.
* Where you've been means much less than where you're going.
* Where's the any key?
* Wherever you came from, you're not there now.
* Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
* Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
* Which one is the fatherboard?
* Who invited all these tacky people?
* Who named you "Taste Police" anyway?
* Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there?
* Who should I call to exorcise software?
* Who wrote the rules on how to act your age?
* Why bother phoning a psychic? Let them phone you!
* Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
* Why can't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"?
* Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Why do you need a driver's licence to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Based on an unoriginal emails forwarded by Sue Sinclair and Dave Willens, November 1995.

A Guide to Proper Etiquette in the Men's Restroom
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.
Graffiti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:

X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've thoroughly shaken off and closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
* Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
* Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
* If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Dave Willens, December 1995.