Are they putting me through
this guantlet?
Or am i doing it to myself
subconsciously?

They say "I am your friend."
I love and respect you."
But do they have to be a certain way?

Do they have to be so calloused with
their barbed words
and their crushing opinions
and their jokes at my expense?

Then again....do I have to take it?
Take it from them, and not be so sensitive?
Take it and smile? Nod. Agree. Laugh.
When inside I am cringing?

Do they get me? They say they do.
And yet they are who they are.
Are they placating me, telling me what I want
to hear,
or are they relaying it from their perspective
from a place of counsel,
and telling me what I need to hear?

My heart knows the answer.
It doesn't want to face the hard truth.

It's NOT them.
It was never them.
It was always me.

I often feel I cannot be enough,
I often feel many will reject me
scorn me
shun me
ridicule me
laugh at me
turn their backs on me

It's happened before.
I always thought it would hapen again.

But they're still here,
asking if im okay.

So i tell them the truth
with the tears still flowing down my cheeks,
tears I cant tell are from sadness at how wrong I
had been about them,
or the fact that I'm ecstatically happy
that they genuinely care.

Their actions say they do.
so, yeah....the fault is mine.
The guilt flows.
so do the tears.

But so does the feelings of gratitude.
And i suppose that's the lesson.

we can't judge until we ask "why?"
And we can't get over ourselves,
until we listen to what we need to hear,
from those who truly care.

And if they do care,
they'll give it to us straight.
No chaser.

It's up to us to take that advice
and implement it in the best ways we can...
or not.

(A poem dedicated to everyone who has had my ear, and my back: THANK YOU.)