Military dating/relationships have a number of opportunities and/or challenges. Separation springs immediately to mind. Other professions share some aspects, e.g., Merchant Marines, long-haul truckers, specialized skillsets like pilots or oil/gas rig workers, too.

What are your thoughts on relationships like these. Why do some work and others not? Is it something learnable?

Where y'all take it is fair game.

scribbles wasn't this thread longer a little while ago?

Yeah, but I did that in error. The Admin folks fixed things and voila! Reincarnation.

I hope Ms.Harmony finds this. Her voice is worth hearing.

What makes them work or not, is the same thing that makes their opposite situations work or not.

Compatibility.

Someone who is convinced that regular sex is a "need," for example, are unlikely to remain loyal in a long-distance situation.

People who always envisioned a "real" relationship consisting of living together constantly, are unlikely to do well in other kinds.

On the other side, some people thrive in situations where they can 100% rely on their mate, but need lots of time to themselves. Those kinds of people are TERRIBLE in a typical, devoted, suburban partnership.

I think a lot depends on where the separation took place in the relations and the strength of the relationship in whole.

Point being:
Military spouses know full well what the deal is and accept the fact that separate is at times going to happen. I'm not saying it makes it any easier.. just that they know it going in and there is a support group at every base and most of your neighbors are going thru the same thing. Of course divorce still happens but many times that was going to happen anyway.

But if your husband or wife take a job (or have to take a job) that will have them away from home for a long period of time.. And if the relationship was formed based on a "stay home" type set up.. well I think then problems could happen. Loneliest, isolate and others which could lead to break ups.

So, is adjusting to these various scenarios out of the question then? Square pegs/Round holes? Can communication bridge the gaps? It sounds as if so far it's 'east is east and west is west and never the twain shall meet.'

Am I on the right track?

How about from folks here who are further down the relationship trail but not together? How does one deal with not being together yet? Similar? No?

Sure communication can bridge the gap. It depends on the couple. I know men who have had to take jobs as contractors.. working in Iraq and other parts of the world. For very long periods of time.. some years.

It worked because the wife understood that in order to pay the bills the husband had to do " what he had to do".. there is a understanding.. and they worked as a team.. communication and agreement play a major part.

you sure you want my opinion on this one?
ok..merchant marines
I live in Michigan
there are a lot of men ( and women) who chose this career and work on the great lakes in the shipping industry or do ocean vessels

has an incredibly high divorce rate just like regular military does
why? because of the sheer amount of separation

with sailors at least in this state..there is that old adage of
"any port in a storm" unfortunately this often is the case

not saying all cheat..I am saying that when you are separated from your spouse for large amounts of time and when you do get into a port city, you and the guys all head up to local tavern and drink a lot of beers and booze..

the opportunity and temptation may rear it's ugly head

it takes two very strong people to try to hold it together
when you are seldom ever together
especially when there are children involved

ya damn well better be communicating every day

even then there are other issues that come into play over time
for instance
your wife must be able to handle everything all the time on homefront
this means she must become capable, competent, strong and independent in many ways
and though this is necessary to maintain the family
it can also become detrimental

for when two now independent people who spend a great deal of year apart
are thrown back together and expected to co-exist peacefully

it takes getting to know each other all over again
can it be done? of course
I did it for twenty years

but it is not for the weak of heart

oh ..one more thing
he was a teacher when I married him and chose this as a second career

I was the mom with video camera up to my eye recording every school play, every football game and he was the dad dealing with all the guilt of missing most of their childhood

we would get angry and he would accuse me of only marrying him for his paycheck for this is what it felt like since he was always gone for the job
and I would holler at him for feeling like I was raising these kids alone

Alright, so the ugly head is reared. How about that? Where does wondering about temptation fall on the scale of other separation things like wearing both the Mom and Dad hats if there're kids involved? Taking the entirety of the responsibility for the household in the broadest sense, bills, packing lunches, calling the plumber or just diving in to DIY?

Are there some challenges that rate higher. So, how DO you deal with it?

I think if the man is leaving in order to provide for his family at home, this is totally doable. Women have been used to this from the beginning of time when they would have been left to fend for themselves in worse conditions. As I have made a topic about another problem with men abandoning everything and not even providing for his family, I think if he is at least providing then it is doable.

I wanna spork my eyes out!!!!

of course he is being a good provider
something that I always made sure he was aware of
the kids and I would buy him presents for father's day or for holidays
and send them to him
I would bake his favorite treats at Christmas
I would send long and loving letters for him to read
I would keep him informed daily of what was going on with kids
he would talk to them on phone too

this is all well and good but we are talking large stretches of time
you must ask yourself

how much couple time is needed to actually still feel like a couple?

Lol... !!

Nice. This adds 'tolerance' and 'security' to the equation. Tying back to earlier comments while that's not too unwieldy, do either of these new considerations temper the 'any port in a storm' observation, communication, commitment, partnership, etc. Is there a 'recipe' for weathering these sorts of unique storms posed by professional choices?

well I could say it was just fear of STD's or of baby making but
there is more to it than that for couples that stick it out
remain faithful to each other

you can be two people who communicate every day
and still be screwing around

commitment man I mean you better live and breathe it

Boy, that Miss Michigander is sneaky!

Just found your edited stuff. The 'independence' issue isn't something I ever considered. Whole new can o'critters.

How do you reconcile when your growth and that of your SO occurs separately, under different conditions and influences?

Relationships like these are tough… I mean really tough from both sides, I am going to take the side of the partner that is the one away First

They are dealing with the job aspects, and wondering what is going on, on the home front. They a lot of times are wondering what the mate is doing. I know for my husband, it drove him nuts, I met him near the end of his term and retirement was fast approaching for him. So all the other hitches he did here and there was easy no family to worry about back home he could concentrate on what he had to do. After the marriage and children came along it was tough on him, he believed traditionally so he always felt he was letting me down the list goes on and on…


My side was that I was also traditional and the man is the head of the house, well that wasn’t an option… I had to take care of the day to day things. I became very independent in one aspect; the other thing was I was always lonely. It was tough no other words for it. There were many times I was tempted and yet I just couldn't do it.

How did we make it through and yes we did till the day he died, we were a unit. I think for us it was because we never let go of the magic when we met, the courtship, the little things. One of the things I would do is send him journals that I wrote of our day to day lives the silly things that pass that once they are gone, you never talk about again. I would send that out 1x a month.

Why do some work, those that work, work hard each day, cherishing the moments you have together, not let day to day things get in the way. Which at times I believe is almost impossible many times we wanted to quit the thing was it was never at the same time. If it had been I am not sure if we would have survived. Communication was vital, along with trust, the willingness to keep going one more day. The commitment to the love we shared the life we were building the bigger picture of what was going to be not what was in the moment.


Why don’t they work because I believe they both get tired at the same time and the world has crowded in, and they chose to walk away…One or the other lost site of the commitment to each other.. I think in those moments it only takes one to take that first step away from the other and if it isn't stopped immediately the relationship will erode away..

double edged sword my friend
on one hand it has to be this way
on other hand everyone needs to feel needed


I was the spider killer, the one who took care of kids if they got sick or towed the truck out of ditch when my oldest slid off road when he was 16.
I was one handling the doctor appts, running em back and forth to school plus the visiting with inlaws on families and the annual camp out in the UP each summer


we did stuff together
vacations when he was home
he would take boys skiing or we would all go golfing or bowling

I can remember sitting marriage counseling towards the end hearing him say to the counselor
" I want my wife back like she was at 23"
no he didnt mean young and perky

he meant dependent, innocent and naive
he could not handle strong, independent and wise

Taking us back to Igor's input regarding 'compatibility'. Is that innate? Or is it, as some of what Ms. Rains offered, a case of 'plan your work then work your plan.' As long as I'm flingin' cliches left an' right, Prior Planning Prevents ('P' word of your choice HERE) Poor Performance? Can one prepare or is it sink or swim stuff?

I don't know.
It's their relationship.
Their relationship is as unique to them as you are a unique person to yourself.


Why does any relationship sometimes work and sometimes not.
Why does any relationships sometimes work for a while and then not.
Why does any relationship not work and then work as a different type of relationship.
Why does any relationship work, then not work, then work, then not work?


Sure! The problem is you are only going to learn how from the other person.

Relationships are based on, defined by, how you interact with the other person.

Relationships aren't like karate that you learn and then apply towards someone.
They are more like learning a new language that is specific to the other person.