i asked a childhood friend last evening:

why am i alone? why do i walk this path. i have no real defect.

his reply came swift and direct, unwavering..

because you're complicated. and your daddy beat and raped you.

i was quiet. really there's nothing more to say.

i live life as fully as i can from one day to the next. i generally smile a lot. find meaning in relationships of all kinds. i couldn't love my daughter more. and i want to be an expression of something beyond what i've known, i suppose i pretty much am that.

though i spent a lot of time in search of the answers and trying to heal one way or another from tragedy. so doctors and therapists and boyfriends and foreign philosophy and fashion and diet and exercise and every other remedy and on and on it goes. spent a good bit of my 20s on wellbutrin which amounted to the equivalent of being high on speed and spanish fly. it was fun.

there's only so much talking and feeding you can do until you sit, in your own disaster.

pick up the pieces or leave.

maybe that's why some never really do change or experience something more. they don't wanna be on their own clean up crew. sleeping behind glasses, driver behind the wheel. living in the crash is only sedation.

is there ever really a question of the right thing to do

You need to live...
Heres to living dear...

i've still a pulse, lol.

so i asked the next, my ex:

how would you make me perfect?

his reply, think before you speak.


i'm not sure about that, lol. i think i do think before i speak. i'm never not thinking except maybe a moment or two when i'm on my back.. or when i find a moment of zen elsewhere.

maybe he didn't think when he listened.. maybe others don't think either. don't really listen. don't hear the message.

maybe he's lazy. and that's cool. but probably wasn't interested in what i was saying, i would think.

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghh!!!!!!

"You think too much" grrrrr..

I have heard that so often I would like to seal it in silicone and ram it down the neck of the speaker!

What I do, is think enough. For me. For this path. For this lifetime.

Sometimes sitting in one's own debris, is the best place to sit.

Sit with it..pick up each piece, own yours, discard the rest.

Learn from the people who harmed you...learn their humanity, see their broken ness, and then let it go.

There is only you in that body, and they cannot take your inner light.

And ak0?

Speak up...you have a voice!

Speak your thoughts...I for one enjoy hearing them.

thank you. my inner voice is the strong but silent type, lol.

and yes, here's to the light ;)

i am zero

also known

as

i become

take everything you think noone wants to hear and voice it. take all you think they want to hear and keep it to yourself....you'll find it's theraputic to just let go.

will anything not get deleted lol

i agree

thank you for your encouragement

We all have our flaws, it's how we deal with them. Most would rather try and change the other person instead of dealing with their own issues. This is futile, all the manipulation and attempts at conrol just break down the relationship.

hmm. then it is also rough for the ones that do not attempt to control and manipulate

the ones that maybe are self-aware and share a generous spirit in living

what happens when they are not appreciated

If you ask yourself a "why" question, change it to a "how" question and you'll begin to fill your life with endless possibilities. =)

thank you but i don't take advice from skinny pretty girls

j/k!

For starters you are not dead.

Pity me will not save you. You need to be positive and stay positive and try to be happy. You will have some good and bad experiences in life, learn what you need to learn and stay positive.

The other night I saw a TV show about children and young adults with deformities. You know, instantly, issues I thought I had I cannot compare to what these children and young adults have to go through for the rest of their life. I am not saying any “abuse” is different but you have your life so hold onto that and make something of it. Every able-body individuals can make chances in their life, they just need to believe.

uhhhh, you're already perfect? what is the problem?

if someone asked me "what would you change to make me perfect?" my answer could only be. "nothing. you decide what you want to change, and i'll be there either way"

thank you for taking the time to comment.

for all my meager years, i never really spoke of any of this living ever joyfully and i really don't pity myself as much as i'm taking the time to acknowledge how my past has perhaps unconsciously driven me.

sometimes when we ask the question, its for something other than knowledge of self.

being alone is helpful when you need to establish your identity without interference of someone else's needs and desires.

otherwise, bring on the ppl