The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie.
All I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

The wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday, but once she'd done the deed I started to feel a lot better, so I thought, screw it, I'll just soldier on.

The other night my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing.
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10.30!

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!" As I walked out the front door she screamed "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b..tard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom, it makes the wife look like she's moving during sex!