The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare forthe worst so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I though she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself - she's going through the change."

Local police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked!"

Murphy sais to Paddy "Waht ya talkin' to an envelop for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies "The filim said 18 or over!"

Its too early to laugh this hard..i need another coffee.

Pharmeceutical truck full of viagra got hijacked today....

Police said to b on the lookout for hardened criminals