You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

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Thinking On Your Feet

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half...

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

When do I start my job?
Jeb went into the fish market in St. John's to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Newfie, so he decided to set a test for Jeb hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Jeb says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Jeb says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Jeb stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go m'bye," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Jeb answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat be 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Jeb so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Jeb stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Jeb's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Jeb, "Go on, Jeb, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Jeb leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

Give that boy a promotion.