I'm starting to wonder if I'm just cursed.

I've gone on a handful of meet-ups and always without fail something happens or the other person just disappears. Even if we'd talked for days or hours by messages. It's hard enough for me as an introvert to even consider going out to meet someone that may or may not like me for me when meeting me in person. I don't know if I'm just doing something wrong or if I'm just incompatible with humanity as a whole.

I won't meet someone in a private location, that's just basic safety right there, but some have issues with meeting at a restaurant or even a coffee house for the first time.

I won't just hand out my phone number, it's the only one I have and work uses that as a mobile contact in emergencies where I may need to help with the office...and I've had too many past individuals that didn't get the "message" to not call or text during work hours and potentially causing me issues with my current gainful employment. The bills do have to get paid, so an "lol" text can wait until lunch or break. But it seems I'm too demanding to make even this request.

I'm not a one-night-stand, and stating that makes others offended and I get called horrible things. I'm sorry, I just believe that it takes longer than one hour, one date or even a few dates before I'd consider going to bed with someone. Asking to give me a full body massage (to me) is about the same as asking me to have a one-nighter - you just want to see me without clothes on and I'm sorry...I'd rather go to a health spa where I can keep myself clothed for a massage.

I apparently can't have friends (at least none that are guys) since their girlfriends are jealous of me for some weird reason and don't trust me because I'm single. Girls just tend to through me under the bus if I attempt to be friends - it's all just a matter of time.

Am I just doing something wrong in my existence? I'm half-way debating on deleting my picture because I could care less with the approaches I get in random messages that make me feel like I'm some kind of object on a store shelf. I'm an individual with feelings. I'm not even sure what to do now or if any of this rambling makes sense.

Why does being a shy person mean I'm a threat to people when I do random acts of kindness? I can't seem to have friends, or be happy about friends in relationships let alone seem to even start another relationship of my own be it friend or a potential serious relationship. Am I really that odd or alone in this kind or experience?

Are you odd?

From a Melmacian's perspective, no.

Sometimes the problem is with whom you choose to be friends.

Are your friends edifying you, helping you to become the person you want to be? If not, then perhaps you need a new set of friends.

My friends used to help me strive to better myself in other ways, now it's just depressing since they've all vanished because their girlfriends are afraid of my existence and because I'm single. I don't look at my friends as someone to get involved with like that especially if they're in a relationship. I still believe they're good people, but their actions suck.

I'm kinda ashamed to be female because of the compilation of my own sour experiences throughout life. I get that women inspire men in so many ways, but they also create walls. Not that the guys are without blame - it takes two.

I'm really not sure where to begin now that those I used to go to and get an outside opinion or such are just gone. A pat on the head and keep yer chin up or being told to just soldier on isn't what got me through, it's what I'm doing now to just get through the days. They used to know what best to say at the time or stating facts to get me to think about the situation - enough to light a fire under me that would piss me off just enough to take action. I try to remember all of that, but I can't see the forest for the trees most days.

I'm more comfortable at a library reading or finding a quiet place in the sun at a park or a lake to just relax. It just makes me sad that I don't have anyone to share this or my excitement and amusement with things I experience in life. I'm more of a bore or a bother to my family when I try to share, so it's just me. Yet I can't even seem to start any kind of friendship or relationship anymore. I'm not sure what's going wrong or what I'm doing wrong, but I'd like this cycle to break.

I appreciate knowing that from a Melmacian's perspective I'm not odd.

FYI, my late wife was age 38 when she met me. So, you still have time to find love.