Last night as I was laying in my bed staring at the stars, I thought :"Where the heck is my ceiling?!"

I date this boy for two years - and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem? Arnold Schwarzenegger

Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?

Many men smoke but fu manchu

Surprise your friends, burn their houses down.

When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
Muhammad Ali

Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath. Jacob Braude

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Photons have mass!?? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

The easiest person to deceive is yourself.

I think therefore I am... I think .

Dejaja vu = "Have we met, Ms. Gabor?"

Dijon vu = "This mustard tastes familiar."

Daysa vu = "This is the same storyline they did on that other soap opera."

Deja moo = "I swear that's the exact same cow we passed about six miles ago."

I'm not only weird, I'm gifted too!

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

"Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle."

Give some people an inch and they think they are rulers.

"Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency."

"Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes..." - Kirk

"Poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese." G.K.Chesterton

5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

its good to meet girl in park, better to park meat in girl

Holy crap thumper. I just spat my tea all over my monitor.

im full of the one and 2 liners,,
like, man that stand on toilet is high on pot

or try this one
go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger?

lol one hung low by rupture boy

People who live in glass houses should close curtains before removing troussers.

i also heard people live in glass houses go to basement to use potty

deja poo - the feeling you've heard this sh*t before

haha....So thats where thump got that fractions quote!?!!

yeah i ganked it from uk,, me and him been trading secrets,,,,

The angle of the dangle is inversely proportionate to the heat of the meat.

You guys crack me up

Nothing is impossible to the man, who doesn't have to do it himself.