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| Topic: MY Favourite One Liners | |
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Crime in multi-storey car parks.
That is wrong on so many different levels. Phil Taylor asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said "You just can't let it go can you?" I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, €1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.” I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes So I said to a Scottsman 'Did you have? terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne' Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was' Exit signs? They're on the way out! Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse! Velcro? What a rip-off! I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. 'Ha ha,' I thought, 'You can hide but you can't run.' Does an earl who gets an OBE become an earlobe? When the kids in the playground first discovered I had a possibly fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to push me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with a packet of Revels. I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so. Retired mermaids! I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds. So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama. If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious! Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever. Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that. AND FINALLY........... DON'T go camping in the countryside. Have you ever noticed that if a body is found in the countryside, it's always in a tent?  
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 04/26/13 03:24 PM
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Just had margarita cocktail.
Didn't taste like pizza at all.  
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An Englishman is a self-made man, thus relieving God of that awful responsibility.
[Thank you. Thank you. I'm here all week. Try the veal.] |
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