My birthday was feb on the 25th. And i turned 25, Nothing about that day was out of the ordinary. Just another Monday like any other day. Just like today in my life. It goes by with as much joy as looking at minutes circle around the clock. Once in my life my days were different. And my heart and mind were in a place that now i dont even recognize. Everthing ive gone through has damaged me. Maybe i can be repaired and whatever. I kind of doubt that, I walk through each day of my life as if my insides were on fire. I focus so hard on anything that doesnt remind me of yesterday so much that its unsettling. At times its unbearable but i push through it as if i was in my last fight to the death. I hold on to this monstrous part of me im disgusted with. Its grown on and within me to the very core. I know I've lost a lot. Everything that matters. More then having a normal life. More then having had parents around . I've lost part of me that made me human. Ive lost more then love. At times you would think by looking at a picture of me i might appear normal and handsome. At times i feel nothing and worse. I feel like people who look at me see all this ice within my heart. Peering through my eyes into a perilous pool without color. I havent given up on life or what i have left. Im just scarred beyond the point of covering them all up. Im scared of becoming the man i picture in my mind. Im trying to live free. I feel like a slave, and only something as great as faith can free me. As fierce as i appear on the outside, is really a cover for how broken and fragile i am. -- This piece of material doesnt even make complete sense to me when i read it but i know all my words are honest.

Hi blue eyes, it's good to see you again, my friend... I hear your soul and it touches many chords in my heart, because I too recall a time in my younger life when I was a disappointment to myself, and thought my life was done, that I would never achieve my goals... but the deeper I reveled in my own self loathing, the more my instinct for survival took hold... and I kept fighting... it took me many years to realize it was my self I fought so hard against... it just takes time and a new direction, and of course patience... you're still a very young man, and even if it doesn't seem like it, your life is just starting out, tho it may already feel like it's over... and you have at least another 50 years to try something different, take a new path... only you know what's missing, and only you can make your world come to life... so hang in there... and remember that tomorrow starts today... and see what you can make of it... even if it's just in the planning stage...

Happy belated birthday...