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| Topic: Is love really blind to emotional abuse? | |
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you?
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you? 
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you? loved turned to fear in a world of dependency is a potent volatile concoction 
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you? loved turned to fear in a world of dependency is a potent volatile concoction
I also heard some people believe the emotional abuse they are taking. "You are so dumb>" and they believe they are and are you guessed it...afraid to leave on their own. Or they believe for some reason they deserve the treatment. Sad, really. |
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Types of Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing. Aggressing Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance. Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. Denying Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc. Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.” Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own. Minimizing Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted. Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing. Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience. Learn to love yourself... I think that some of the above descriptions although well intentioned are overbroad. Attempts to help are usually simple attempts to help and not manipulative. It is generally inappropriate to label attempts to help as "aggression". "Countering" is not abusive in general since everyone has differences in opinion. It could only be abusive if it was incredibly extreme and pervasive. "Minimizing" likewise could only be abusive if it is pervasive and extreme. People are too sensitive, blow things out of proportion and exaggerate all the time without any abuse involved. There is no doubt that consistent attempts to be manipulative and controlling are abusive. There is no doubt that aggressive behavior is abusive. But one has to be very careful in throwing around some of this terminology because most of the instances of being helpful, or expressing an opposing point of view or discussing whether or not someone is being overly sensitive or exaggerating are not in the least abusive situations. Abuse is too serious a thing to be misrepresented and misinterpreted. |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Fri 03/08/13 08:25 AM
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you? loved turned to fear in a world of dependency is a potent volatile concoction
I also heard some people believe the emotional abuse they are taking. "You are so dumb>" and they believe they are and are you guessed it...afraid to leave on their own. Or they believe for some reason they deserve the treatment. Sad, really. this is true. Part of how we develop the POV of who we are is the messages we receive from those we love and depend on like parents....friends....and partners. those are strong messages. We all need a Chuck Norris inside our heads 
personally I am thinking of buying a wavemaster lol |
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you? loved turned to fear in a world of dependency is a potent volatile concoction
I also heard some people believe the emotional abuse they are taking. "You are so dumb>" and they believe they are and are you guessed it...afraid to leave on their own. Or they believe for some reason they deserve the treatment. Sad, really. this is true. Part of how we develop the POV of who we are is the messages we receive from those we love and depend on like parents....friends....and partners. those are strong messages. We all need a Chuck Norris inside our heads
personally I am thinking of buying a wavemaster lol So it all goes back to the cycle perpetuated by the daddy and mommy...children see it and pass it on in the cycle. |
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Attempts to help are usually simple attempts to help and not manipulative. It is generally inappropriate to label attempts to help as "aggression". .... "Minimizing" likewise could only be abusive if it is pervasive and extreme. People are too sensitive, blow things out of proportion and exaggerate all the time without any abuse involved. .... Abuse is too serious a thing to be misrepresented and misinterpreted. I agree. And this touches on another point relevant to many comments made in this thread: Abuse exist on a spectrum! There is no single line between 'abusive' and 'not abusive'. As Slow is pointing out, some 'abusive' behaviors are just variations of loving behaviors! What is considered 'abuse' or 'not abuse' depends on the beliefs and views of the people involved, and on their culture/subculture. So when CutiePie asks: I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you?
As hippie said, part of the answer is that the abused believes the things being said, or believes they are deserving of the abuse. They don't even recognize that its abuse. Some people were raised to believe that this kind of behavior is acceptable. And since there are different views on what really is abuse in some cases, the people around them may reinforce the belief that the way they are being treated is acceptable. Slow's comments apply here, too - since some abusive behaviors are variations of non-abusive behaviors, even the abuser often doesn't even realize they are being abusive. |
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... Part of how we develop the POV of who we are is the messages we receive from those we love and depend on like parents....friends....and partners.
... So it all goes back to the cycle perpetuated by the daddy and mommy...children see it and pass it on in the cycle. Oh, I didn't refresh - and commented on a stale page. I see you guys already said this. |
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... Part of how we develop the POV of who we are is the messages we receive from those we love and depend on like parents....friends....and partners.
... So it all goes back to the cycle perpetuated by the daddy and mommy...children see it and pass it on in the cycle. Oh, I didn't refresh - and commented on a stale page. I see you guys already said this. It happens. 
Obviously this DOES happen, but is not always true. I was raised in such a household and my sister certainly grew up believing everything my father said...even while protesting it at the time...and in turn she married clones of our father until her latest husband...in which case she married a doormat, and she is the one who puts HIM in his place and tries to dominate his every thought. On the other hand, I’ve never so much as dated, let alone had a relationship with someone even slightly abusive. Any love I had for a person would be condemned the moment I saw the first sign of it. And at the other end of the spectrum, I already have a door mat...it says Wipe Your Feet Please. It’s very difficult to understand how two children, close in age, raised with the same parents, same principles, same rules and regulations can grow up to expect such different things out of life. All I’m sure of is that it’s one hell of a mental beating someone has taken if they can be conditioned to think they don’t deserve the most basic common decency in a relationship...of their own choosing no less! |
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Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” ...
Saying “You’re too sensitive" is messed up, in my opinion. We should respect other people's sensitivity levels. I might say "Your sensitivity is biasing your perception" but no one is 'too sensitive'. They are as sensitive as they are. But people do exaggerate and they do blow **** out of proportion, sometimes! In general, I feel they should be called on it when they do. I might save these words for a time when they are less raw - but if they can't handle it at all, then I'd rather not be in a relationship with them. ... all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
As opposed to...? Always trusting your emotions and perceptions? That would be messed up. I don't like how this is phrased. People should be skeptical of their perceptions. In general, people's perception are faulty and are not to be trusted. This is part of how my partners help me - they criticize my perceptions and help me to develop more accurate perceptions. And emotions should be honored to a degree, but they should not always be 'trusted'. |
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Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” ...
Saying “You’re too sensitive" is messed up, in my opinion. We should respect other people's sensitivity levels. I might say "Your sensitivity is biasing your perception" but no one is 'too sensitive'. They are as sensitive as they are. But people do exaggerate and they do blow **** out of proportion, sometimes! In general, I feel they should be called on it when they do. I might save these words for a time when they are less raw - but if they can't handle it at all, then I'd rather not be in a relationship with them. ... all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
As opposed to...? Always trusting your emotions and perceptions? That would be messed up. I don't like how this is phrased. People should be skeptical of their perceptions. In general, people's perception are faulty and are not to be trusted. This is part of how my partners help me - they criticize my perceptions and help me to develop more accurate perceptions. And emotions should be honored to a degree, but they should not always be 'trusted'. I think a lot of what you are saying relates to how well you communicate too. I try to understand my partner's point of view and communicate with them so I am not seen as "abusive." |
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Edited by
jacktrades
on
Fri 03/08/13 04:25 PM
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you? I agree and that was the point I was trying to convey. How can you stay with someone who is treating you terrible.Why stay and open your self up to misery from someone who thinks they own you. I have come across this twice in my life and choose to move on to avoid the constant stress and hurt feelings. It took awhile but speaking for myself I would rather be alone than go through that again. |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Fri 03/08/13 04:43 PM
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you? loved turned to fear in a world of dependency is a potent volatile concoction
I also heard some people believe the emotional abuse they are taking. "You are so dumb>" and they believe they are and are you guessed it...afraid to leave on their own. Or they believe for some reason they deserve the treatment. Sad, really. this is true. Part of how we develop the POV of who we are is the messages we receive from those we love and depend on like parents....friends....and partners. those are strong messages. We all need a Chuck Norris inside our heads
personally I am thinking of buying a wavemaster lol So it all goes back to the cycle perpetuated by the daddy and mommy...children see it and pass it on in the cycle. yes and no. In a general sense in our younger years as totally dependent on parents, yes. If parents are the primary caregivers those are almost the only messages a very young child receives. But as we get older other important adults and peers can also affect that POV of ourselves. By adulthood, in MY opinon, the messages from a partner we love would have a greater impact in the "moment" so to speak, in terms of influence on our POV of self. Tho' in the background parental messages remain - I think thru life. Maybe maturity is the power to accept or reject those messages after we undertand what they are and realize that we do not have to believe them I think people divorcing go thru a similar sorting process. Part of the growth for a partner who was abused is learning the power to let go and deny those messages ( to reject the "I love him/her, so she/he has to be right about me) if that makes sense. But it's not always a huge thing. Some abuses are not really abusive behavior meaning that the individual isn't an abuser always. An abuser manipulates a psychological cycle on a regular basis over a perios of time that degrades another. whereas anyone can make a mistake and say something abusive in frustaration as long as it is atypical behavior, I would not call that person abusive especially if they are normally loving and kind. |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Fri 03/08/13 04:48 PM
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Types of Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing. Aggressing Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance. Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. Denying Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc. Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.” Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own. Minimizing Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted. Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing. Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience. Learn to love yourself... I think that some of the above descriptions although well intentioned are overbroad. Attempts to help are usually simple attempts to help and not manipulative. It is generally inappropriate to label attempts to help as "aggression". "Countering" is not abusive in general since everyone has differences in opinion. It could only be abusive if it was incredibly extreme and pervasive. "Minimizing" likewise could only be abusive if it is pervasive and extreme. People are too sensitive, blow things out of proportion and exaggerate all the time without any abuse involved. There is no doubt that consistent attempts to be manipulative and controlling are abusive. There is no doubt that aggressive behavior is abusive. But one has to be very careful in throwing around some of this terminology because most of the instances of being helpful, or expressing an opposing point of view or discussing whether or not someone is being overly sensitive or exaggerating are not in the least abusive situations. Abuse is too serious a thing to be misrepresented and misinterpreted. well there are also times when being controlling or aggressive are a matter of self protection....often enablers (of alcoholics or drug addicts) can exhibit those traits out of fear and/or concern for their loved one - to protect from the perceived and very real threat of the addiction. The cycle escalates because the enabler eventually begins to realize on some level (subconcious or conciously) that they are powerless, just as powerless over the addiction as the addict. This is a tremendously sad cycle. buy on a less dramatic level...trust me - if I saw my child doing soemthing dangerous I would get darn controlling at that point. that's my job as a mom |
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I think a lot of what you are saying relates to how well you communicate too. I try to understand my partner's point of view and communicate with them so I am not seen as "abusive." Yes, i agree. and a lot of it relates to what people want from each other. I've had friends who just couldn't handle having errors in their thinking pointed out to them, so i dialed that back a great deal. I would just support them by listening to them. I would never date a person like that, but i was kind to them as a friend. And I've had friends who really wanted me to critique their view, their feelings, their way of handling situations. |
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As far as whether love keeps people with an abuser...well a lot of people use the word 'love' to mean 'attachment'. If anyone is thinking that they are staying with an abuser our of 'love', its really just emotional attachment and emotional dependency which they are calling love. I have to agree with this in most cases. I'm certain it's in some part evident in all cases. |
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I would think that it would be fear that would take over in the case of emotional abuse. How could you love someone that was abusing you? loved turned to fear in a world of dependency is a potent volatile concoction
I also heard some people believe the emotional abuse they are taking. "You are so dumb>" and they believe they are and are you guessed it...afraid to leave on their own. Or they believe for some reason they deserve the treatment. Sad, really. 
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