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| Topic: Who leaves if either cheats? | |
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You’re living with your significant other, either as lovers or as spouses, while trusting that you’re both being monogamous, one of you cheats. The relationship is okay up to this point, and the non-adulterer has little reason to suspect there is a problem in the relationship that might tempt the other to stray, so it’s unexpected and causes a serious wound in the heart of the faithful partner. Now, what do you do as a direct result of this breach in your love? Will you both salvage this relationship and forgive the adulterer, or separate? If you decide to remain together, do you try to regain the trust you had before the incident, and become closer to each other, never to cheat again? Or might you stay together not so much for love at this point, but for financial/economic reasons, because in today’s economy it’s easier to live well with two incomes instead of just one, and you can even separate in the residence by having your own rooms, perhaps even having an open agreement now, where either partner is free to meet someone else and move on? If not, and you’re lovers who are renting with the lease signed by both, who would move out if a complete break down occurs? And likewise, if you’re married “without children” to consider, and you have a mortgage, which spouse would stay; the one who could afford to pay the monthly notes on the residence, even if they are the adulterer? Would your decision about who leaves even be based on the financial aspects of your relationship, or would the offender automatically have to move out as punishment for their error in judgment? Or, in this day and age when our sexual behavior is touted as being open and easily accessible, now that it’s the acceptable norm to just “love the one we’re with”, is it wiser to expect that cheating might occur in any relationship, so we go into one already prepared to overlook this activity? What do you Minglers think about cheating, are you for, or against it? And what do you consider cheating to be? Can flirting be a form of cheating? And if so, should people in committed relationships be free to flirt with others? Well let me put it as this. Our leaders say war is the last option. So if my wife or girlfriend cheats I will try to work it out by any means necessary. If not, go into the next stage. After all i am with that person for better or for worse. Call me old fashioned but that's the way i see it I admire your answer, mikaxel... having never cheated on a man I've committed myself too, I don't understand why a woman cheats on hers to begin with. I know when I get tired of accepting my man's ways, and I'm ready to leave him, I divorce him first, so as not to disrespect myself and God, by violating my vows I took honoring everyone involved. And only when I'm single is my conscience clear to love again. But, if my ex came back and wanted to reunite and work things out, how is that going to happen when he is still the same man I divorced and isn't going to change his ways at this late date just to win my affection again? People don't generally change unless there's an overwhelming reason to see the necessity... and even if the man was able to change long enough to get what he wants he will always revert right back to his old ways because he feels comfortable again. Regardless, I do appreciate your willingness to try to understand and make it work, even if it ultimately doesn't... |
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My last relationship ended because she cheated. She called me, crying and begging for me to forgive her and I did. My job keeps me away from home most of the time, she's very young and I'd expected her to have a moment of weakness at some point. You just can't expect a young, healthy woman to be celibate for long. We agreed to a few simple rules and did our best to move on unaffected. We didn't talk about it again until... It happened again, within a month, with the same person. She again called me, crying and begging to be forgiven. But, I knew this time I couldn't just forgive her. This time she had to prove to me I was the one she truly wanted to be with. I told her this time she had to earn my forgiveness. She said she'd do whatever I asked. I told her to write down her confession, everything she did wrong, how it hurt me, how it had damaged our relationship and the steps she'd take to prevent it from happening again. In three months, she hadn't written a single word. So, I decided that our relationship wasn't important to her and I left. I have not felt any emotional pain over this. That may be due to me feeling confident about the way I handled it. I still think it was the best solution. She and I still talk (we have a small child together) and we still have sex from time to time. But, I don't love her anymore. I won't get involved in her problems unless they involve our son. I have drawn a line and it will not be crossed. She is a toy and I play with her when I'm in the mood. She knows this and accepts it. I'm sure that's how she wants it because she doesn't ask for more and is always available when I want her. A very wise Scoundrel you are indeed...  when the cat's away... 
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If I ever ended up cheating on someone, then by all means, slap some sense into me.
 . I think I would volunteer to leave my man, if I ever cheated. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever did that. The guilt would feel overwhelming. If the man cheated on me, I'd again volunteer to leave the relationship, as I could not trust him anymore. I will forgive, but that doesn't mean buying me flowers and taking my trust for granted. At all. If we lived together, I'd move out. I couldn't bare to look at him after that.
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Edited by
AthenaRose2
on
Mon 02/18/13 04:01 AM
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If I ever ended up cheating on someone, then by all means, slap some sense into me. . I think I would volunteer to leave my man, if I ever cheated. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever did that. The guilt would feel overwhelming. If the man cheated on me, I'd again volunteer to leave the relationship, as I could not trust him anymore. I will forgive, but that doesn't mean buying me flowers and taking my trust for granted. At all. If we lived together, I'd move out. I couldn't bare to look at him after that.
I couldn't bear to look at him after that... you are so right on, Sarah... the hard part for me would be online... if I had a relationship in which he cheated on me and I dropped him, but still had to see him on the boards every where... jeeezz, now that would be difficult for me becuz rather than the pain easing when he is out of sight and out of mind... he'd be a constant thorn that kept pricking away at me just to watch me bleed... I guess I'm just to emotional when it comes to how I react too various stimuli... |
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I couldn't bear to look at him after that... you are so right on, Sarah... the hard part for me would be online... if I had a relationship in which he cheated on me and I dropped him, but still had to see him on the boards every where... jeeezz, now that would be difficult for me becuz rather than the pain easing when he is out of sight and out of mind... he'd be a constant thorn that kept pricking away at me just to watch me bleed... I guess I'm just to emotional when it comes to how I react too various stimuli... Yeah.  . More often than not, the affair stems from a friendship with someone they've known for years, more than with a stranger. I think if you have such a strong bond with whichever buddy, then would you even need a relationship? If you were only going to go and sleep with him/her anyway? Gauranteed, go and have sex in whichever situation you want, but to be in a relationship at the same time? Not on MY time :)
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I couldn't bear to look at him after that... you are so right on, Sarah... the hard part for me would be online... if I had a relationship in which he cheated on me and I dropped him, but still had to see him on the boards every where... jeeezz, now that would be difficult for me becuz rather than the pain easing when he is out of sight and out of mind... he'd be a constant thorn that kept pricking away at me just to watch me bleed... I guess I'm just to emotional when it comes to how I react too various stimuli... Yeah. . More often than not, the affair stems from a friendship with someone they've known for years, more than with a stranger. I think if you have such a strong bond with whichever buddy, then would you even need a relationship? If you were only going to go and sleep with him/her anyway? Gauranteed, go and have sex in whichever situation you want, but to be in a relationship at the same time? Not on MY time :)
exactly...
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Edited by
Solace84
on
Mon 02/18/13 07:34 AM
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There is what i termed,'' Love-Binder'' in a relationship,and that is Trust.. Cheating means breach of trust..But for a relationship to be more successful,one has to put this notion at the back of one's mind,that cheating is likely to occur in a relationship..The fact that your spouse cheats on you does'nt mean that he/she does'nt love you..If the pain is so horrible on you that you find it hard to forgive,can have your separate ways..But if the love kept hunting you,just put your broken parts together and go on.. Most importantly,try to build the trust again..
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There is what i termed,'' Love-Binder'' in a relationship,and that is Trust.. Cheating means breach of trust..But for a relationship to be more successful,one has to put this notion at the back of one's mind,that cheating is likely to occur in a relationship..The fact that your spouse cheats on you does'nt mean that he/she does'nt love you..If the pain is so horrible on you that you find it hard to forgive,can have your separate ways..But if the love kept hunting you,just put your broken parts together and go on.. Most importantly,try to build the trust again.. If you are talking about rebuilding trust with someone that burned me once, then I am not your girl, because once the rug has been pulled out from under me, I won't give you a second chance to knock me to my knees again. To me, my trust and respect is far more valuable a commodity than love... because I can love my new puppy, and love him even more as he grows to become a dog that I can trust.. knowing he's a creature of habit... he's predictable... where as a man who claims to love me then makes love to another woman behind my back, this kind of man doesn't know what love really is, because if he did, he would know how his actions would adversely affect me, hurting me... so, if he's so selfish in wanting only to gratify his own feelings at the expense of mine... then that shows me he doesn't love me, and he has no compassion or empathy for me either... he is heartless... and cruel.. so the other woman is more than welcome to take him off my hands until the next one takes him off hers... |
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Edited by
DaySinner
on
Mon 02/18/13 12:22 PM
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so, if he's so selfish in wanting only to gratify his own feelings at the expense of mine... then that shows me he doesn't love me, and he has no compassion or empathy for me either... he is heartless... and cruel.. so the other woman is more than welcome to take him off my hands until the next one takes him off hers...
I agree 100% with this.
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so, if he's so selfish in wanting only to gratify his own feelings at the expense of mine... then that shows me he doesn't love me, and he has no compassion or empathy for me either... he is heartless... and cruel.. so the other woman is more than welcome to take him off my hands until the next one takes him off hers...
I agree 100% with this.
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This is quite a dilemma to be in. I've been through this same situation more than once.
When 'being in love' gets mixed in w/stupidity, mistakes are made. Lesson to be learned is, as I have in the past is... - Cover your own azz - I guess part of the problem is some of us blindly get into relationships, loving the other person, expecting their partner to uphold their end of bargain and stay 'faithful.' More likely than not, someone, somewhere down the line, will forget to stay faithful...and some form of 'cheating' happens. What next, is we become so 'stunned' by the adulterer's actions that our good judgement(s) unknowingly creeps out the dang window. I suppose back in the day it's advisable to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of reputation or children involved, but these days divorce has become prevalent, and in some cases, even encouraged. My take on that, is whatever I get into, with anyone, I'm going to make sure I cover myself in pretty much every aspect. Vows and promise are thrown out there...and 9 times out of 10, they are are taken with a grain of salt. So why leave yourself azzed out and in a demoralizing situation when you can prepare for the worse? |
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If he will admit his act and apologize then its not a problem, but if he deny it means its all over. I will not stay in a house with an unfaithful husband. If ever theres a child involved, i will not take his right to the child. I will not just cry in the corner all the time. Ill better leave atleast he can do it freely.
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This is quite a dilemma to be in. I've been through this same situation more than once. When 'being in love' gets mixed in w/stupidity, mistakes are made. Lesson to be learned is, as I have in the past is... - Cover your own azz - I guess part of the problem is some of us blindly get into relationships, loving the other person, expecting their partner to uphold their end of bargain and stay 'faithful.' More likely than not, someone, somewhere down the line, will forget to stay faithful...and some form of 'cheating' happens. What next, is we become so 'stunned' by the adulterer's actions that our good judgement(s) unknowingly creeps out the dang window. I suppose back in the day it's advisable to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of reputation or children involved, but these days divorce has become prevalent, and in some cases, even encouraged. My take on that, is whatever I get into, with anyone, I'm going to make sure I cover myself in pretty much every aspect. Vows and promise are thrown out there...and 9 times out of 10, they are are taken with a grain of salt. So why leave yourself azzed out and in a demoralizing situation when you can prepare for the worse? After going thru this last commitment that lasted 18 years, I won't make this same mistake twice... I have too much to lose this time... my azz is completely covered...  
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If he will admit his act and apologize then its not a problem, but if he deny it means its all over. I will not stay in a house with an unfaithful husband. If ever theres a child involved, i will not take his right to the child. I will not just cry in the corner all the time. Ill better leave atleast he can do it freely. hi winlei... please clarify your statement, "I will not stay in a house with an unfaithful husband", "If he will admit his act and apologize then its not a problem" Are you saying that you will forgive his adultery if he apologizes, but you will leave him if he doesn't? What if he does it more than once, but apologizes each time... will you keep forgiving him... or is there a limit to how many times he can cheat before you realize he's won't change? |
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hi winlei... please clarify your statement, "I will not stay in a house with an unfaithful husband", "If he will admit his act and apologize then its not a problem" Are you saying that you will forgive his adultery if he apologizes, but you will leave him if he doesn't? What if he does it more than once, but apologizes each time... will you keep forgiving him... or is there a limit to how many times he can cheat before you realize he's won't change? Oh sorry. Silly me. Haha. If he apologized and admit his mistakes is forgivable. We know that men are egotestical. They hardly apologize for something. If he admit it then he's sincere. I will give him the second chance ofcourse knowing that i didnt fulfill his needs. But if he deny it and act as if nothing happens then he's free to do anything that he want because surely i will leave him. |
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hi winlei... please clarify your statement, "I will not stay in a house with an unfaithful husband", "If he will admit his act and apologize then its not a problem" Are you saying that you will forgive his adultery if he apologizes, but you will leave him if he doesn't? What if he does it more than once, but apologizes each time... will you keep forgiving him... or is there a limit to how many times he can cheat before you realize he's won't change? Oh sorry. Silly me. Haha. If he apologized and admit his mistakes is forgivable. We know that men are egotestical. They hardly apologize for something. If he admit it then he's sincere. I will give him the second chance ofcourse knowing that i didnt fulfill his needs. But if he deny it and act as if nothing happens then he's free to do anything that he want because surely i will leave him. I understand, thanks for clarification... Howeeveeeeeer, just because a man cheats on his wife, doesn't mean that she didn't please him, so you can't accept the blame for his extracurricular pleasure seeking, although they do tend to want to place the blame on us, instead of admitting they're just horndogs... furthermore, this blame tactic is also used to make us feel guilty about why they cheat, so they can try to manipulate us into giving them the kind of sex we might refuse them, but they can get it from a whore or a prostitute who may be willing to do anything for money... |
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Yeah i agree.
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Sorry for having to bring up bipolar disorder again, just that there is a genetic thing with bipolars that can make them want to cheat. I know this from going through research with an ex. This was before we knew he had it. Not even him himself knew. I would be sat in the dr's room, with him, and his dr would always ask me how it made me feel. I just shrugged and didn't know what to say. I'm not defending cheaters. Sometimes there are other explanations though, rather than just the old "I think I'll just cheat anyway because I can" mentality. However, I still warned him that it did hurt my feelings all the same. I felt comfortable telling him this upfront because he was so easy to talk to. He would listen to any problem I had. He was quite mature. Maybe me and him mingled quite well down to instinctively always being able to predict each others reactions and behaviour. I had to take a long break.
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Sorry for having to bring up bipolar disorder again, just that there is a genetic thing with bipolars that can make them want to cheat. I know this from going through research with an ex. This was before we knew he had it. Not even him himself knew. I would be sat in the dr's room, with him, and his dr would always ask me how it made me feel. I just shrugged and didn't know what to say. I'm not defending cheaters. Sometimes there are other explanations though, rather than just the old "I think I'll just cheat anyway because I can" mentality. However, I still warned him that it did hurt my feelings all the same. I felt comfortable telling him this upfront because he was so easy to talk to. He would listen to any problem I had. He was quite mature. Maybe me and him mingled quite well down to instinctively always being able to predict each others reactions and behaviour. I had to take a long break. I understand bipolar, I have a distant family member diagnosed, who takes psyche meds to keep their impulses under control... and yes, even though this erratic behavior can be very disturbing... the person affected is such a loving soul that it's difficult to stay upset with them when they do cross over... so long as they always remember to come back... |
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Sorry for having to bring up bipolar disorder again, just that there is a genetic thing with bipolars that can make them want to cheat. I know this from going through research with an ex. This was before we knew he had it. Not even him himself knew. I would be sat in the dr's room, with him, and his dr would always ask me how it made me feel. I just shrugged and didn't know what to say. I'm not defending cheaters. Sometimes there are other explanations though, rather than just the old "I think I'll just cheat anyway because I can" mentality. However, I still warned him that it did hurt my feelings all the same. I felt comfortable telling him this upfront because he was so easy to talk to. He would listen to any problem I had. He was quite mature. Maybe me and him mingled quite well down to instinctively always being able to predict each others reactions and behaviour. I had to take a long break. I understand bipolar, I have a distant family member diagnosed, who takes psyche meds to keep their impulses under control... and yes, even though this erratic behavior can be very disturbing... the person affected is such a loving soul that it's difficult to stay upset with them when they do cross over... so long as they always remember to come back... Right on:). |
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