The Suicide Pact:

After both suffering from depression for a while, My wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "**** it, soldier on!"

*****


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


*****

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


*****


A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

*****

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."

"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

*****

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


*******

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

LMAO

awesome! lol