All these women in this world, so strangely beautiful. I look at face after face, reminding me there different from the others iv'e seen, and yet so much the same. I used to be caught in that outside appearance, ignoring anything else that is plain. One day I changed, although this didnt happen in just a single day. A super model seems extraordinary to almost any man, but I question her beauty at first glance. Men look at pretty smiles, curvy lines, and perky breasts. I ask myself would I want to be with her because she looks the way she does. I guess ive grown up, because I question her looks. I don't want to be with her unless its real love. Iv'e grown distant from people and from myself. Iv'e started doubting what kind of love all those women see in me through there eye's. Maybe I want love to fast, and maybe I think I wont find it as the way that I see it. Beautiful women smile at me time after time, and I wonder why I dont smile back. Has life crippled me in a way that all I reflect is shame. Has my truest happiness gone away and im afraid for my eye's to be seen. To know other people see in me what is now gone. My blue eyes are dark like the deepest depths of an ocean. Blue in color, yet frightening like looking at blood under the moon. There are times when I can smile, and sometimes I smile to much in fear that when it goes away, I'll be seen with my true frowning face. I can smile a million times a day but why do they end so quick, and I cant hold on to that short moment. Am I sick with pain as if it were the sickest of disease. I can easily hide it, am I fooling myself on purpose. Im shoveling dirt over my own grave and im waiting for the job to be finished. Im to young to feel this way, and yet I am. Im 24 and my mind is dying faster then my body. How far will I go before my heart gives out in distress. I pray day and night telling myself im free, i can move on if I try. My own demons are consuming me far to much. Theres to much weight iv'e been living under, to be pulled out. Is medication a solution , herbs and drugs to fool the mind. Id rather live knowing this hell of mine is real, rather then living in a false dream thinkinking its real. Tommorow will come and its beautiful when I first awake. My eyes start to adjust after I stretch and that beautiful sun light seeping in, slowly turns into a still picture, another image from a different wall.

XBE... I feel you... your thoughts are provoking... reality is far better than masking... no matter how bad it hurts... that's true...

I love to hear words like those. Puts a real smile on my face. One that doesnt fade quick. Thanks !