Dear Jane,
You’re so close I feel like I could almost touch you; feel your presence; feels so great. Strangely, it’s midday I’m sure I’ve been awake but right now I feel like I just awoke from nightmares; the world seems so safe and the future seems brighter for me; I stretch out my hand to touch you but instead I’m met by a sad cold reality; Awake is where I left, the nightmares so scary are also so real; All hope fades away; Every passing second I have to remind myself it’s only a picture of you I hold tightly in my hand and it’s driving me towards madness. I cry, I can’t help it; I starve of your company; Its true there comes a time when even hard men tear up. I watch the ceiling like my very existence depends on it, it projects my memories of you; like blood everything is in red, it was always the color of your choice; I’m trying so hard to make every picture feel real and last forever but the harder I try the further you slip away; the pictures become blur and the moments vague; I’m trying so hard not to forget a detail of every memory I have of you, the remains of a treasure I once had; they’re all so golden. You were so precious, still are. The thoughts of taking life’s misery head on without a parachute for when I fall is one I’m fighting to keep out of my mind. At this point it’s hard to see beyond your departure and within all the madness and confusion which is my mind, one question keeps coming up; “You are gone; how so?”
In front of the mirror I stare at the ghost that’s staring at me; I can’t take my eyes off the image before me. I’ve seen filth in my time but not this kind, the question in my mind is how can someone get so messed up in this day and age? I can’t help feeling sorry for him; then it slowly dawns on me as I take in the reflection before me, this stranger is I; a ghost of myself; it’s disturbing because I have no recollection of how I got this messed up; it’s like I just woke up one day a screwed up teenage boy; The stiches, scars and wounds on my face from stupid fights from every time I’ve let my emotions take the wheel and steer me towards bad choices; Anger, I became it’s slave. Booze, drugs, lose women; I’m in love with disease; a slave of sin; a life of fall after fall after fall; I cover my face with my hands in an attempt to escape from myself but in stead I’m met by a welcomed surprise; the smooth texture of my skin is worth my tears; It’s when I realize that’s a picture of the kind of life I would have had were you not here to guide me. I’m grateful;
Looking back at the frames that make up my life it’s you beside me in every picture; during sunshine and rain; through storms , every step of the way; from childhood to now that I stand a grown man; it’s all thanks to you, you did something great by me. You always found a way to be there when I needed someone to; I can’t even begin to say how much I’ll miss you. I wish you’d be here by me all through my life but ”We don’t always get what we want, do we?” Didn’t you say? Well karma is a *****; I thought it would be us together forever but fate had need for you elsewhere; I’m sorry for all the times I took your love and friendship for granted; I wish you were here for even a minute more so i could tell you how much you mean to me; it’s the little things we left unsaid that really sting the most;
Sometimes I wish my faith was strong as yours was; It’s times like these I wish I couldn’t read between the lines in all these holy books and just let the words comfort me; I can’t understand why it had to be you? And understanding is all I want right now. Anything I care about just not you; it’s all I have ever wished for; why did it have to be you? if truly there’s a God out there I don’t think there’s a thing I’ve done to fall out off his grace; I may not be a believer but I lead a clean respectful life & to deserve a punishment this heavy? Why? Why?
I can’t stand all these people, from the little I’ve picked up from stories I thought friends and family come around during funerals and times of grief for love and support; somehow I feel so alone in this mad crowd; the opposite of what I’m expected to; all these people all they bring is more grief and confusion; I’m furious, having to act polite while all I wish to do is open my mouth wide and swallow them whole; to hell with them and their pity, condolences; bringing flowers to your funeral? Did they even know you? That’s just wrong; In my sadness I find a smile imagining what you’d do were you here if you were here, knowing a plant somewhere is losing life for your sake; you’d probably serve them the petals of their pretty little roses for dinner just to make a point; it’s moments like those when you’d do anything for your believes, standing up for your ideals that I think I’ll miss most.
It’s amazing how you always found to appreciate even the little insignificant things in life; like a smile. How you never took anything for granted; I really admire that about you. It’s the strongest that fall the hardest; I’m yet to understand your actions?
Every time I think about it, I smile to myself thinking “I must be sleeping, dreaming!” but every time the ending is the same, I’m standing before you holding your hand, still, cold and hard as a rock; A shadow of yourself; the opposite of what you were in life, warm and with a kind heart, loving and full of life; you had it all, all a man ever wished for; walking your steps and viewing the world through your eyes would be total bliss for many, Utopia; your own little heaven; So why Jane? Why? If only.
Everyday it becomes more evident that somehow somewhere everyone falls without remedy. All my life I’ve lived working on being like you, so strong and passionate in everything I do; now, I fear I may end up exactly like you, in my grave too young. Remember how you’d say, “suicide is a coward’s way out?” Well now I disagree; I’ve thought about it hard and I think it’s only the bravest of us who can embrace death so. Maybe it’s my way of coming to terms with your death; maybe it’s my way of clinging on to the memories of ‘the Perfect Jane’ I’ve always known. I’m sure whatever it is that made you choose to depart it must have been so bad to take you down. I may never understand your actions; I might never forgive you for this but know that I still love and respect you so much wherever you are.
What I’d give to have you in my arms once again? Anything, anything any day; I’m sad, it's a feeling i haven't felt for a long time, you made my life seem so heavenly; now i have to brace myself for all the collisions coming my way; without you survival sounds more like a miracle than an everyday thing; now who'll hold my hand through storms? Who'll help me up when i fall? Who'll teach me what's right and what's wrong? It’s like you died with my hope to one day 'live it great'; it's you I’ll blame if from now i just keep falling. Suddenly I’m so incomplete, overnight my complete jigsaw puzzle of a life got scrambled and I fear it may never be whole again, some pieces are lost forever; I guess the rest is for time to tell. I have this fear that this is just the beginning of things falling out of place.
With love, your cousin Ray

Hello shapirobo/Ray... welcome to the writers forum... I must say this story, your cousin Jane... the vivid pictures you painted of the path taken... it's riveting.. I couldn't stop reading... you truly have talent and I could feel all the sadness, confusion and heartache... but mostly the love and admiration... and i love how you describe Jane's sincere appreciation for life and the little things.. serving up petals for dinner.. it's priceless.. very good write... thank you for sharing...

I stand a grown man; it’s all thanks to you, you did something great by me. You always found a way to be there when I needed someone to; I can’t even begin to say how much I’ll miss you. I wish you’d be here by me all through my life but ”We don’t always get what we want, do we?” Didn’t you say? Well karma is a *****; I thought it would be us together forever but fate had need for you elsewhere; I’m sorry for all the times I took your love and friendship for granted; I wish you were here for even a minute more so i could tell you how much you mean to me; it’s the little things we left unsaid that really sting the most;

It’s amazing how you always found to appreciate even the little insignificant things in life; like a smile. How you never took anything for granted; I really admire that about you. It’s the strongest that fall the hardest;

with a kind heart, loving and full of life; you had it all, all a man ever wished for; walking your steps and viewing the world through your eyes would be total bliss for many, Utopia; your own little heaven; So why Jane? Why? If only.

I can’t stand all these people, from the little I’ve picked up from stories I thought friends and family come around during funerals and times of grief for love and support; somehow I feel so alone in this mad crowd; the opposite of what I’m expected to; all these people all they bring is more grief and confusion; I’m furious, having to act polite while all I wish to do is open my mouth wide and swallow them whole; to hell with them and their pity, condolences; bringing flowers to your funeral? Did they even know you? That’s just wrong; In my sadness I find a smile imagining what you’d do were you here if you were here, knowing a plant somewhere is losing life for your sake; you’d probably serve them the petals of their pretty little roses for dinner just to make a point; it’s moments like those when you’d do anything for your believes, standing up for your ideals that I think I’ll miss most.

clinging on to the memories of ‘the Perfect Jane’ I’ve always known. I may never understand your actions; I might never forgive you for this but know that I still love and respect you so much wherever you are.

wow..thanks a lot. people really don't appreciate this piece while i consider it my favourite piece...though its old and i was young i need to rewrite it maybe...anyway thanks again...finally someone who appreciates precious words.

critics feel free...i appreciate honesty

I read every word of this and what a piece it is. What this piece is saying to me, is that the world is falli
ng. And look at me standing in it. Everything that once stood straight and tall is now beyond crooked.
You were my gravity against the harshest of turbalance. Gravity is gone and im going with it.
But here you are are you not? Is good enough for now.. and later heaven will be reunited. Simple words of mine and nothing to compare to what happened at the time of this piece.

I will write my letter now, hand deliver it, savor the rustling sound as precise folds unfold...I will inhale the smell of linen parchment as it fills the room ...I will watch him closely and sigh in relief if torment melts from his face as he smiles ever so slightly....

Your letter is a poignant reminder...We must write them before the dying.....

true that...unfortunately our kind has a habit oof leaving too much unsaid.

thanks...i know it's very simple, vocabulary and all...but full of emotion.