Topic: "Looking for my best friend."
krupa's photo
Sun 07/01/12 01:53 PM
My best friend is a married chick who lives 5 hours away. I have known her and been friends with her for over 19 years. We have roomied together. I helped raise and spank her sons whom I also love. I introduced her to her husband and was the witness/best man/ brides maid at thier wedding. We have been through good times and bad..through out it all..we remain true friends who would never refuse a request from the other and owe each other nothing with no conditions..... though we got no problem telling each other when either of us are screwing up.

Before they married..her husband told me "I know that I will never get to be her best friend like you are, cause there is just too much history. But, I will be the best husband I can be and be her friend too". 15 years after the wedding....she still calls me her best friend.

Make no mistake, I love Soufie with everything that I got. Each day we become closer, developing our friendship, love and respect.

I have no hesitations in saying that my "best friend" is not my lover. I love my woman and she is my friend. Ain't her fault that I have a fully developed friendship with someone for almost two decades.

It does nothing to lessen the bond and love I feel for my woman, just as it does nothing to lessen the bond and love I feel for my best friend.

I won't give up my best friend for a lover...just as I won't give up a lover for my best friend.

thank God my best friend approves of Soufie...(she has heard me talk all about her and has givin us her blessing)...

Otherwise she woulda tracked her down and ran her off.

Not kidding.

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 01:54 PM


Well, I can tell you what happened to me.. I do not think it´s going to help much...but here it goes..
I used to have a best friend, someone who was lke a sister to me, but then we just stopped seeing each other... and NOT because I had a boyfriend at the time,( it was because i got tired of calling her to get together and do things together and she never called me back)So we distanced from each other, in a way I lost that best friend

Before losing my best friend, I became friends with my boyfriend, we both did (the situation kind of helped too, cause we were almost all alone, with no friends, so we became best friends)

Friendship is something I look for in a relationship, i don´t know about the rest, but being able to trust someone is an important part in a relationship, and I think that if I can´t trust the one I love completely, then it´s not worth it...

sorry if this didn´t help much :(
about your best friend were you the only one trying to stay best friends? or did she try at all? did she just let you go?



well, we were kind of busy, we were both working and studying at the time. but I felt I was the only one trying to save the friendship, so I just stopped calling her... Then we talked on the phone just when it was my or her birthday and that was all. I´m a very straightforward person so one time we got together and I just told her that this friendship was not working for me, that I needed a real friend, not just someone on the phone. She told me she was just trying to give me some space since I was in a relationship , but I told her that was an excuse. We talked about it and she said she was going to try to call me and get together more often, then she went on a trip for 6 months and she appeared at my house for my birthday, acting as if we had been in contact all that time (obviously she didn´t call in those 6 months) So this time, I was really pissed off, and I just told her that I could never "pretend" to be her best friend and that maybe we just wanted different things in a freindship. I haven´t spoken to her ver since..
......and that´s the story of how I lost a best friend :-(

although she´s a very good person ... to me , she didn´t even try to saty friends..

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 03:04 PM
Well for me personally, I suppose I would be looking for someone who I could one day call my best friend.

I do not look at them as replacing anything in my life, friend or what have you, but adding to it. To me, that perfect relationship, would be sharing my life with that one person who really understands me and either shares or fully accepts my interests and passions and I hers. She is someone I can turn to no matter what, and talk to about whatever I am feeling, no matter how large or insignificant. Maybe we won't see eye to eye on everything, but that is OK because we don't have to, that is what gives us the ability to debate and learn from each other on our different viewpoints.

I don't think I would see it as replacing my actual best friend, so much as finding another one alongside with them. Friends come and go, even best ones sometimes sadly, but (in a perfect world for me at least) the love of my life would be there to stay, through thick and thin.

Probably explaining that poorly, but really never thought about it much before. Really interesting question.

......and that´s the story of how I lost a best friend :-(


I know that feeling myself. Don't let it get to you. Not all of us are meant to travel the same road until the end. flowerforyou


paul1217's photo
Sun 07/01/12 03:48 PM

I hear from guys a lot that they're not only looking for someone to have a relationship with, but they want them to be their best friend, too. I'm guessing women do the same. To those who are also looking for their best friend, what happens to the best friends you already have? Do the people you're dating turn into your best friend and replace the one you currently have? Or, do all these people looking for best friends not actually have one already?

This always seems confusing to me.


From someone that has managed to land firmly in the "Friend Zone" for most of the last 20 years, and who has always thought that the perfect relationship would happen by falling in love with my best friend, let me see if I can try to explain it.

I have been involved with 3 women since my divorce almost 20 years ago. I never intended to become "just friends" with any of these women at the start. I met them, flirted with them, asked them out for drinks then dinner etc. I got to know them and they got to know me. I never pushed them for intimacy, I wanted it to happen naturally. The more time we spent together, the closer we became, until we were talking almost every day. In almost all cases they would start telling me and others that I was their "Best Friend".

Then when we would start to get involved physically, the brakes would come on and I would here that dreaded phrase, " I don't want it to ruin our friendship." Eventually they would become involved with another guy, that wasn't their "Best Friend" and when he treated her like crap, she would come running back to cry on my shoulder.

In all of those situations the friendship ended. If they find someone that they are interested in romantically, the chances of remaining "Best Friends" with someone of the opposite sex and their partner accepting it is slim. The simple fact is that once involved with someone else the friendship is sure to drift apart, not necessarily end but change.

If a physical relationship develops with someone that is already your best friend, and the physical part is good, it seems to me that the friendship will only become stronger.

That is why I have been single for so long. slaphead

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 03:54 PM


I hear from guys a lot that they're not only looking for someone to have a relationship with, but they want them to be their best friend, too. I'm guessing women do the same. To those who are also looking for their best friend, what happens to the best friends you already have? Do the people you're dating turn into your best friend and replace the one you currently have? Or, do all these people looking for best friends not actually have one already?

This always seems confusing to me.


From someone that has managed to land firmly in the "Friend Zone" for most of the last 20 years, and who has always thought that the perfect relationship would happen by falling in love with my best friend, let me see if I can try to explain it.

I have been involved with 3 women since my divorce almost 20 years ago. I never intended to become "just friends" with any of these women at the start. I met them, flirted with them, asked them out for drinks then dinner etc. I got to know them and they got to know me. I never pushed them for intimacy, I wanted it to happen naturally. The more time we spent together, the closer we became, until we were talking almost every day. In almost all cases they would start telling me and others that I was their "Best Friend".

Then when we would start to get involved physically, the brakes would come on and I would here that dreaded phrase, " I don't want it to ruin our friendship." Eventually they would become involved with another guy, that wasn't their "Best Friend" and when he treated her like crap, she would come running back to cry on my shoulder.

In all of those situations the friendship ended. If they find someone that they are interested in romantically, the chances of remaining "Best Friends" with someone of the opposite sex and their partner accepting it is slim. The simple fact is that once involved with someone else the friendship is sure to drift apart, not necessarily end but change.

If a physical relationship develops with someone that is already your best friend, and the physical part is good, it seems to me that the friendship will only become stronger.

That is why I have been single for so long. slaphead


That's exactly how I picture things happening when someone starts off by saying they're looking for their best friend. If I spent all that time getting to know someone as a friend, rather than actually dating and being intimate with them I could absolutely see it ending as just being friends.

paul1217's photo
Sun 07/01/12 04:29 PM



I hear from guys a lot that they're not only looking for someone to have a relationship with, but they want them to be their best friend, too. I'm guessing women do the same. To those who are also looking for their best friend, what happens to the best friends you already have? Do the people you're dating turn into your best friend and replace the one you currently have? Or, do all these people looking for best friends not actually have one already?

This always seems confusing to me.


From someone that has managed to land firmly in the "Friend Zone" for most of the last 20 years, and who has always thought that the perfect relationship would happen by falling in love with my best friend, let me see if I can try to explain it.

I have been involved with 3 women since my divorce almost 20 years ago. I never intended to become "just friends" with any of these women at the start. I met them, flirted with them, asked them out for drinks then dinner etc. I got to know them and they got to know me. I never pushed them for intimacy, I wanted it to happen naturally. The more time we spent together, the closer we became, until we were talking almost every day. In almost all cases they would start telling me and others that I was their "Best Friend".

Then when we would start to get involved physically, the brakes would come on and I would here that dreaded phrase, " I don't want it to ruin our friendship." Eventually they would become involved with another guy, that wasn't their "Best Friend" and when he treated her like crap, she would come running back to cry on my shoulder.

In all of those situations the friendship ended. If they find someone that they are interested in romantically, the chances of remaining "Best Friends" with someone of the opposite sex and their partner accepting it is slim. The simple fact is that once involved with someone else the friendship is sure to drift apart, not necessarily end but change.

If a physical relationship develops with someone that is already your best friend, and the physical part is good, it seems to me that the friendship will only become stronger.

That is why I have been single for so long. slaphead


That's exactly how I picture things happening when someone starts off by saying they're looking for their best friend. If I spent all that time getting to know someone as a friend, rather than actually dating and being intimate with them I could absolutely see it ending as just being friends.


When I was asking them out for drinks, dinner, and eventually in most cases away for the weekend I wasn't thinking that was just trying to be friends.

When a woman is calling everyday and wanting to spend time together a few times a week I would think that most guys would think there was more than just a friendly interest there. I was honest about my wanting to be more than just friends. The ones that were honest with me are still friends.

If a guy walks away because the physical doesn't happen soon enough, he's a player or he was only after one thing. If he respects her, gets to know her and waits for the right time, he's a nice guy and "just a friend". Let's face it, you women have all the control. Just be honest and tell us it's never going to happen as soon as you know it (usually within the first 15 min.) and save us all a lot of trouble. laugh frustrated

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 04:45 PM


When I was asking them out for drinks, dinner, and eventually in most cases away for the weekend I wasn't thinking that was just trying to be friends.

When a woman is calling everyday and wanting to spend time together a few times a week I would think that most guys would think there was more than just a friendly interest there. I was honest about my wanting to be more than just friends. The ones that were honest with me are still friends.

If a guy walks away because the physical doesn't happen soon enough, he's a player or he was only after one thing. If he respects her, gets to know her and waits for the right time, he's a nice guy and "just a friend". Let's face it, you women have all the control. Just be honest and tell us it's never going to happen as soon as you know it (usually within the first 15 min.) and save us all a lot of trouble. laugh frustrated


Well, you said they would say you're their best friend and then things would start getting physical. Was there nothing other than friendship going on during these dates and weekends away? You just made it sound like you got very close as friends THEN started a physical relationship later.

If a guy is calling a few times a week and spending time with me, but nothing physical is happening, I'd call that a friendship.

I am quite honest and upfront about what I want. Sorry to hear not all women are that way.

bastet126's photo
Sun 07/01/12 05:01 PM
i love my best friends dearly, but i want my
lover to be my best, best friend. this is someone
that i want to spend life with, intimately, not
just in the bedroom, but in journeys through
it all, till the end. it doesn't detract from the
value i place on my best friends, in fact,
a true best friend, should want that for you.

Ladywind7's photo
Sun 07/01/12 05:26 PM
I already have my best friends of both sexes. I think they are meaning they want intimacy emotionally, physically, with companionship. The person they want will end up being as intimate as their 'best friend' is now to them, someone loving and trustworthy.

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 05:38 PM
I have two best friends...One I met in high school, err...umm, 47 years agonoway ...The other I met in college, 25 year ago....I love them unconditionally...I would go to the wall for them......BUT...........
My lover, my love, will always move to the front of the line....He is the one I can share everything with and he is the one thing I cannot share everything about with my best friends...Some things are sacred...My pals are the same with their men...We understand this and we respect it...So, when a guy says he is looking for his best friend, I totally get him.....:wink:

paul1217's photo
Sun 07/01/12 05:40 PM



When I was asking them out for drinks, dinner, and eventually in most cases away for the weekend I wasn't thinking that was just trying to be friends.

When a woman is calling everyday and wanting to spend time together a few times a week I would think that most guys would think there was more than just a friendly interest there. I was honest about my wanting to be more than just friends. The ones that were honest with me are still friends.

If a guy walks away because the physical doesn't happen soon enough, he's a player or he was only after one thing. If he respects her, gets to know her and waits for the right time, he's a nice guy and "just a friend". Let's face it, you women have all the control. Just be honest and tell us it's never going to happen as soon as you know it (usually within the first 15 min.) and save us all a lot of trouble. laugh frustrated


Well, you said they would say you're their best friend and then things would start getting physical. Was there nothing other than friendship going on during these dates and weekends away? You just made it sound like you got very close as friends THEN started a physical relationship later.

If a guy is calling a few times a week and spending time with me, but nothing physical is happening, I'd call that a friendship.

I am quite honest and upfront about what I want. Sorry to hear not all women are that way.


With a couple of them there was some physical contact, hugging and kissing, that seemed to me to be more than just friendly. The "afraid it will ruin the friendship" line, would only come out when the topic of sex would come up.

krupa's photo
Sun 07/01/12 05:45 PM

I have two best friends...One I met in high school, err...umm, 47 years agonoway ...The other I met in college, 25 year ago....I love them unconditionally...I would go to the wall for them......BUT...........
My lover, my love, will always move to the front of the line....He is the one I can share everything with and he is the one thing I cannot share everything about with my best friends...Some things are sacred...My pals are the same with their men...We understand this and we respect it...So, when a guy says he is looking for his best friend, I totally get him.....:wink:



"understanding".."respect"...????

No....guys wanna hump everyone....we accidentally make "friends" or "best friends"....and eliminate a shot at getting laid. You don't bone your friends...it is man law. Makes it kinda tricky.

It is a double edged sword.

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 06:00 PM


I have two best friends...One I met in high school, err...umm, 47 years agonoway ...The other I met in college, 25 year ago....I love them unconditionally...I would go to the wall for them......BUT...........
My lover, my love, will always move to the front of the line....He is the one I can share everything with and he is the one thing I cannot share everything about with my best friends...Some things are sacred...My pals are the same with their men...We understand this and we respect it...So, when a guy says he is looking for his best friend, I totally get him.....:wink:



"understanding".."respect"...????

No....guys wanna hump everyone....we accidentally make "friends" or "best friends"....and eliminate a shot at getting laid. You don't bone your friends...it is man law. Makes it kinda tricky.

It is a double edged sword.


I'm not a guy, so I suppose I could be wrong, but I don't agree that ALL guys wanna bone everyone....and I'm not sure we make best friends accidently either...You've heard the saying "you choose you friends, not your family"....It didn't pop out of someone's azz...And FWB works very well for many peeps Krups...We are all different...To each his own brother....drinker

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 07:43 PM
Edited by mg1959 on Sun 07/01/12 08:04 PM



I have two best friends...One I met in high school, err...umm, 47 years agonoway ...The other I met in college, 25 year ago....I love them unconditionally...I would go to the wall for them......BUT...........
My lover, my love, will always move to the front of the line....He is the one I can share everything with and he is the one thing I cannot share everything about with my best friends...Some things are sacred...My pals are the same with their men...We understand this and we respect it...So, when a guy says he is looking for his best friend, I totally get him.....:wink:



"understanding".."respect"...????

No....guys wanna hump everyone....we accidentally make "friends" or "best friends"....and eliminate a shot at getting laid. You don't bone your friends...it is man law. Makes it kinda tricky.

It is a double edged sword.


I'm not a guy, so I suppose I could be wrong, but I don't agree that ALL guys wanna bone everyone....and I'm not sure we make best friends accidently either...You've heard the saying "you choose you friends, not your family"....It didn't pop out of someone's azz...And FWB works very well for many peeps Krups...We are all different...To each his own brother....drinker


I'm with you. I don't put the "boning thing" high on the list when it comes to friendships an developing acquaintances. I think it's funny that guys act like animals about sex and I find it surprising when they can't control their little friend. I for one don't get the eurge to cross the line ever with my friends. Nor do I get turn on by everything with two legs. I sometimes wonder if guys are really like that as it seems they brag a lot about sex, but for me it isn't romantic to lump women in a sex camp. In my book it gets a little old to be honest. I like relationships period and all things to me don't add up to sex. Sex has it's place, and it's a beautiful one, but what makes it beautiful is when we hold it in high esteem and not as a cheap givaway.

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 08:34 PM




I have two best friends...One I met in high school, err...umm, 47 years agonoway ...The other I met in college, 25 year ago....I love them unconditionally...I would go to the wall for them......BUT...........
My lover, my love, will always move to the front of the line....He is the one I can share everything with and he is the one thing I cannot share everything about with my best friends...Some things are sacred...My pals are the same with their men...We understand this and we respect it...So, when a guy says he is looking for his best friend, I totally get him.....:wink:



"understanding".."respect"...????

No....guys wanna hump everyone....we accidentally make "friends" or "best friends"....and eliminate a shot at getting laid. You don't bone your friends...it is man law. Makes it kinda tricky.

It is a double edged sword.


I'm not a guy, so I suppose I could be wrong, but I don't agree that ALL guys wanna bone everyone....and I'm not sure we make best friends accidently either...You've heard the saying "you choose you friends, not your family"....It didn't pop out of someone's azz...And FWB works very well for many peeps Krups...We are all different...To each his own brother....drinker


I'm with you. I don't put the "boning thing" high on the list when it comes to friendships an developing acquaintances. I think it's funny that guys act like animals about sex and I find it surprising when they can't control their little friend. I for one don't get the eurge to cross the line ever with my friends. Nor do I get turn on by everything with two legs. I sometimes wonder if guys are really like that as it seems they brag a lot about sex, but for me it isn't romantic to lump women in a sex camp. In my book it gets a little old to be honest. I like relationships period and all things to me don't add up to sex. Sex has it's place, and it's a beautiful one, but what makes it beautiful is when we hold it in high esteem and not as a cheap givaway.


Hello (((Michael)))...flowerforyou

no photo
Sun 07/01/12 08:51 PM
Edited by singmesweet on Sun 07/01/12 08:54 PM




When I was asking them out for drinks, dinner, and eventually in most cases away for the weekend I wasn't thinking that was just trying to be friends.

When a woman is calling everyday and wanting to spend time together a few times a week I would think that most guys would think there was more than just a friendly interest there. I was honest about my wanting to be more than just friends. The ones that were honest with me are still friends.

If a guy walks away because the physical doesn't happen soon enough, he's a player or he was only after one thing. If he respects her, gets to know her and waits for the right time, he's a nice guy and "just a friend". Let's face it, you women have all the control. Just be honest and tell us it's never going to happen as soon as you know it (usually within the first 15 min.) and save us all a lot of trouble. laugh frustrated


Well, you said they would say you're their best friend and then things would start getting physical. Was there nothing other than friendship going on during these dates and weekends away? You just made it sound like you got very close as friends THEN started a physical relationship later.

If a guy is calling a few times a week and spending time with me, but nothing physical is happening, I'd call that a friendship.

I am quite honest and upfront about what I want. Sorry to hear not all women are that way.


With a couple of them there was some physical contact, hugging and kissing, that seemed to me to be more than just friendly. The "afraid it will ruin the friendship" line, would only come out when the topic of sex would come up.



I hug my friends all the time, so I would not assume that meant a relationship. If I spent a long time getting close to someone as friends without any sex, we'd probably stay friends. Not saying it couldn't ever happen, but it wouldn't be on purpose. It would be more that I was becoming friends with someone with no intention of more and developed more feelings along the way.

no photo
Mon 07/02/12 02:16 PM




I have two best friends...One I met in high school, err...umm, 47 years agonoway ...The other I met in college, 25 year ago....I love them unconditionally...I would go to the wall for them......BUT...........
My lover, my love, will always move to the front of the line....He is the one I can share everything with and he is the one thing I cannot share everything about with my best friends...Some things are sacred...My pals are the same with their men...We understand this and we respect it...So, when a guy says he is looking for his best friend, I totally get him.....:wink:



"understanding".."respect"...????

No....guys wanna hump everyone....we accidentally make "friends" or "best friends"....and eliminate a shot at getting laid. You don't bone your friends...it is man law. Makes it kinda tricky.

It is a double edged sword.


I'm not a guy, so I suppose I could be wrong, but I don't agree that ALL guys wanna bone everyone....and I'm not sure we make best friends accidently either...You've heard the saying "you choose you friends, not your family"....It didn't pop out of someone's azz...And FWB works very well for many peeps Krups...We are all different...To each his own brother....drinker


I'm with you. I don't put the "boning thing" high on the list when it comes to friendships an developing acquaintances. I think it's funny that guys act like animals about sex and I find it surprising when they can't control their little friend. I for one don't get the eurge to cross the line ever with my friends. Nor do I get turn on by everything with two legs. I sometimes wonder if guys are really like that as it seems they brag a lot about sex, but for me it isn't romantic to lump women in a sex camp. In my book it gets a little old to be honest. I like relationships period and all things to me don't add up to sex. Sex has it's place, and it's a beautiful one, but what makes it beautiful is when we hold it in high esteem and not as a cheap givaway.


Wow! it´SO nice to see that not ALL men think that they have to have sex with EVERY women on earth!!
I agree with Leigh and mg1959

An I congratulate singmesweet for bringing up such an interesting topic. It´s nice to read so many different opinions and experiences. I guess now we should call it "Does friendship between a man and a woman exist?" . I know many of you will mention the "physical" aspect and the sexual desire. Many people I know think that friendship between a man and a woman exists only if the man doesn´t feel atttarcted by the woman, or only after they had sex. I think that´s pretty sad, I mean, it´s like Mg1959 just wrote above: I get the feeling that men just beahve as animals who want to have sex with just every woman that comes in their way.

I never had a man for a best friend, not because I couldn´t stay friends but only because I bnever had the chance to be friends with a man.

What do YOU think?

no photo
Mon 07/02/12 03:16 PM

I get the feeling that men just beahve as animals who want to have sex with just every woman that comes in their way.

I never had a man for a best friend, not because I couldn´t stay friends but only because I bnever had the chance to be friends with a man.

What do YOU think?


A lot of guys do that, in fact probably far too many, which is what makes it so difficult and confusing sometimes. But no, not every guy wants ot have sex with every woman who walks his way.

For several years my best friend was a woman, and her friendship meant the world to me. It was only because of unavoidable circumstances it came to an end.

In my opinion, you can be friends with whomever you want. Society likes to paint a picture where that is not possible, but if you share the interests, laughter and mindset I do not see what can stop you. Just because you are a different gender than me, does not mean we cannot look at the world the same way, and laugh and share in its perplexities.

Any good man will treat you as an equal and someone worth knowing as a friend, and not just as a plaything.

no photo
Mon 07/02/12 04:22 PM
Edited by Leigh2154 on Mon 07/02/12 04:24 PM


I get the feeling that men just beahve as animals who want to have sex with just every woman that comes in their way.

I never had a man for a best friend, not because I couldn´t stay friends but only because I bnever had the chance to be friends with a man.

What do YOU think?


A lot of guys do that, in fact probably far too many, which is what makes it so difficult and confusing sometimes. But no, not every guy wants ot have sex with every woman who walks his way.

For several years my best friend was a woman, and her friendship meant the world to me. It was only because of unavoidable circumstances it came to an end.

In my opinion, you can be friends with whomever you want. Society likes to paint a picture where that is not possible, but if you share the interests, laughter and mindset I do not see what can stop you. Just because you are a different gender than me, does not mean we cannot look at the world the same way, and laugh and share in its perplexities.

Any good man will treat you as an equal and someone worth knowing as a friend, and not just as a plaything.


Marian and Kartagane...Your posts made me tear up just a little...Know why?....I lost one of my best friends to pancreatic cancer in September, 2009....He was my everything man minus the sex...I loved him with all my heart, I love him still...What struck me hard were your words Kartagane...."if you share interests, laughter, and mindset...look at the world the same way, share its perplexities"...We shared all of this and more...He was my friend, my confidant, my teacher, and my student...We were as equal as it gets...For nearly 20 years, we were indeed best friends.... I want to add this...Nine years into the relationship he married....Of course it changed some things...We did not spend as much time together....Nor did we continue to do all of the same things together...But the depth of love for each other never changed, our friendship never waned....

no photo
Mon 07/02/12 05:06 PM
I agree with Kartagane: it´s kind of confusing and frustrating when two people want to become friends and sex gets in the way. Personally, I´m quite straightforward and I would tell the other person right away what my intentions are: if to become friends I would say so or I would rather say that with my actions, you know, not playing games like many women do (I completely understand why some men complain at that games)

Maybe it´s because of tha that i haven´t got any friends at all... anyway, Kartagane and Leigh; you should consider yourserlves very lucky to have had such wonderful friendships... i would have liked to have a strong friendship like that