My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.





A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home


I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.


- Rodney Dangerfield

Here's another one.


"I woke up in the middle of the night to the smell of smoke........and the voice of my wife to my kids. SSHHHH don't wake daddy up."


"I get no respect"

"I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

Love those.

from Caddyshack, when he first met the judges wife:

Hey, sweety... want to make 14 dollars the hard way?

At our wedding my wife said I do and I should have said with who?

"I remember the first time I hitch hiked I got beat up. I used the wrong finger."

"He was a workaholic. Just mention work and he'd get drunk."

"I once had food in a Chinese restaurant. I opened up my fortune cookie. Inside was the guys cheque next to me. I said to him, 'Hey buddy, I got your cheque!'
He said, 'Thanks'."

"I just finished my first book. Now I'm going to read another one."

"My wife isnt the smarest person I know, just the other day she took the car out. She hit a tree but she said it wasn't her fault, she blew the horn."

He is one of my favorites. "My parents never liked me much when I was growing up. They used to let me play with a toaster in the bathtub".

"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"


I am so ugly, I went to the Proctologist & put his finger in my mouth.

I came from a poor family....
One time at christmas I opened a present and all I got was a battery.....
Toy not included

that's butt ugly...

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. "

"What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. "

"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”

“One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control”

“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”



Funny

"My wife told me she wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car....I was sooo excited....then she said she wanted me to drive"

Anyone remember the rap he did?

"I tell ya I'm alright now, But last week I was in rough shape, Why I don't get a break with nuthin'..."

From Back To School-

Thornton Melon: "What's your favorite subject?"

Bubbles: "Poetry."

Thornton Melon: "Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow."

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The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.


I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.