Community > Dating & Relationships

Topic: What happened?
Spidercmb Joined Fri 04/27/07 Posts: 13137	Wed 02/08/12 01:50 PM
I can understand where you are coming from. I was physically and sexually abused by my father and my mother just left. As a 44 year old woman I now understand how all that affected me and I can make better choices for myself than I did when I was younger. Better late than never. Oh Ruth, I'm sorry to hear that. That is absolutely terrible. But it's great that you now recognize how your experiences shaped you and how to compensate.

Spidercmb Joined Fri 04/27/07 Posts: 13137	Wed 02/08/12 01:51 PM
IMO, it's because boys learn to be men from their mothers or other boys, rather than their fathers. Men are becoming softer and more emotional. Don't get me wrong, mother's are absolutely wonderful creatures, they just remove the natural edge and hardness from their boys. How can boys learn to be men from their mothers.? My point exactly.

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Wed 02/08/12 01:56 PM
IMO, it's because boys learn to be men from their mothers or other boys, rather than their fathers. Men are becoming softer and more emotional. Don't get me wrong, mother's are absolutely wonderful creatures, they just remove the natural edge and hardness from their boys. So, do you suppose if a girl is raised strictly by her father that she might be less feminine and harder as a person? Just wondering what you views on that would be. Yes, absolutely. I think both parents provide a very important function in raising a child. I do agree that both parents do provide an important function in raising a child but I was raised by both my parents and I don't think I was a well-rounded individual because of it. Mind you; I didnt' have very good role models with either of my parents. I did ofte wonder if my life would have turned out better had my mom divorced my dad as he was quite abusive and treated women like dirt. I can understand where you are coming from. I was physically and sexually abused by my father and my mother just left. As a 44 year old woman I now understand how all that affected me and I can make better choices for myself than I did when I was younger. Better late than never. I am sorry to hear that Ruth. I was never sexually abused by physically I was. Everytime a man even raises his hand to scratch his head; I go into defense mode. I think this had a play into why I shut myself off to relationships. Well this and the guys I met that were mentally and physically abusive to me.

Optomistic69 Joined Mon 10/10/11 Posts: 5173	Wed 02/08/12 01:58 PM Edited by Optomistic69 on Wed 02/08/12 01:58 PM
IMO, it's because boys learn to be men from their mothers or other boys, rather than their fathers. Men are becoming softer and more emotional. Don't get me wrong, mother's are absolutely wonderful creatures, they just remove the natural edge and hardness from their boys. How can boys learn to be men from their mothers.? My point exactly. My point is my mother done most of the chastising and reared eight boys and not one unmanly one among us.

Spidercmb Joined Fri 04/27/07 Posts: 13137	Wed 02/08/12 02:02 PM
IMO, it's because boys learn to be men from their mothers or other boys, rather than their fathers. Men are becoming softer and more emotional. Don't get me wrong, mother's are absolutely wonderful creatures, they just remove the natural edge and hardness from their boys. How can boys learn to be men from their mothers.? My point exactly. My point is my mother done most of the chastising and reared eight boys and not one unmanly one among us. That says a lot about your mother and very little about mothers in general.

Optomistic69 Joined Mon 10/10/11 Posts: 5173	Wed 02/08/12 02:06 PM
That says a lot about your mother and very little about mothers in general. That is true, I am speaking from personal experience..

Spidercmb Joined Fri 04/27/07 Posts: 13137	Wed 02/08/12 02:08 PM
I am sorry to hear that Ruth. I was never sexually abused by physically I was. Everytime a man even raises his hand to scratch his head; I go into defense mode. I think this had a play into why I shut myself off to relationships. Well this and the guys I met that were mentally and physically abusive to me. It's heartbreaking to hear that. I know that words can't provide you comfort, but believe me there are plenty of good men out there and I'm sure you'll find yours some day.

Ruth34611 Joined Sat 08/02/08 Posts: 32402	Wed 02/08/12 02:09 PM
I am sorry to hear that Ruth. I was never sexually abused by physically I was. Everytime a man even raises his hand to scratch his head; I go into defense mode. I think this had a play into why I shut myself off to relationships. Well this and the guys I met that were mentally and physically abusive to me. Listen, PLEASE believe me when I tell you that you can relearn your automatic responses. It takes time and effort, but it IS possible. You dont want to spend the rest of your life at the mercy of these responses programmed by your past. I can send you the name of a book that really helped me. I think it was called Mindsight. Change is possible.

Ruth34611 Joined Sat 08/02/08 Posts: 32402	Wed 02/08/12 02:11 PM
I can understand where you are coming from. I was physically and sexually abused by my father and my mother just left. As a 44 year old woman I now understand how all that affected me and I can make better choices for myself than I did when I was younger. Better late than never. Oh Ruth, I'm sorry to hear that. That is absolutely terrible. But it's great that you now recognize how your experiences shaped you and how to compensate.

Seakolony Joined Fri 11/07/08 Posts: 11968	Wed 02/08/12 02:13 PM
I am sorry to hear that Ruth. I was never sexually abused by physically I was. Everytime a man even raises his hand to scratch his head; I go into defense mode. I think this had a play into why I shut myself off to relationships. Well this and the guys I met that were mentally and physically abusive to me. Listen, PLEASE believe me when I tell you that you can relearn your automatic responses. It takes time and effort, but it IS possible. You dont want to spend the rest of your life at the mercy of these responses programmed by your past. I can send you the name of a book that really helped me. I think it was called Mindsight. Change is possible. Yes, Ruth, I can relate.....it takes a really long time though......

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Wed 02/08/12 02:14 PM
I am sorry to hear that Ruth. I was never sexually abused by physically I was. Everytime a man even raises his hand to scratch his head; I go into defense mode. I think this had a play into why I shut myself off to relationships. Well this and the guys I met that were mentally and physically abusive to me. Listen, PLEASE believe me when I tell you that you can relearn your automatic responses. It takes time and effort, but it IS possible. You dont want to spend the rest of your life at the mercy of these responses programmed by your past. I can send you the name of a book that really helped me. I think it was called Mindsight. Change is possible. I appreciate it Ruth but I think its too late to change how I feel. Just too many bad memories and I have a history of meeting abusive men. I just don't want to put myself though that anymore.

Spidercmb Joined Fri 04/27/07 Posts: 13137	Wed 02/08/12 02:15 PM
I am sorry to hear that Ruth. I was never sexually abused by physically I was. Everytime a man even raises his hand to scratch his head; I go into defense mode. I think this had a play into why I shut myself off to relationships. Well this and the guys I met that were mentally and physically abusive to me. Listen, PLEASE believe me when I tell you that you can relearn your automatic responses. It takes time and effort, but it IS possible. You dont want to spend the rest of your life at the mercy of these responses programmed by your past. I can send you the name of a book that really helped me. I think it was called Mindsight. Change is possible. I know this was meant for NavyGirl, but I'm going to get a couple of copies. Thanks for the book suggestion.

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Wed 02/08/12 02:15 PM
I am sorry to hear that Ruth. I was never sexually abused by physically I was. Everytime a man even raises his hand to scratch his head; I go into defense mode. I think this had a play into why I shut myself off to relationships. Well this and the guys I met that were mentally and physically abusive to me. It's heartbreaking to hear that. I know that words can't provide you comfort, but believe me there are plenty of good men out there and I'm sure you'll find yours some day. Thanks for saying that but I don't think there is anyone out there for me. I have accepted that and I am okay with it.

Leigh2154 Joined Sun 10/02/11 Posts: 16479	Wed 02/08/12 02:19 PM
Even as the lines blur, as male/female roles become more and more interchangeable due to more single parent homes with the majority of those being run by the women, the mothers, I don't think you can pigeonhole loss of masculinity or femininity on the gender of the custodial parent....For all the role modeling a young boy or girl might sacrifice when one or the other parent raises them, they gain it back in spades through exposure to media via internet and TV...also peers provide a powerful influence on children....Today, their role models come from many more sources than that of the person raising them...A single mother raising a boy can insure that he is exposed to the things a father would expose him to...and of course vice versa.....Here's to good parenting skills...

Ghostrider2u Joined Thu 05/17/07 Posts: 6953	Wed 02/08/12 02:20 PM
I don't know if this Pic is the best example but I understand you're point.(Rhett was an @zz to her and Scarlet was a Biotch to him) LOL He tried to control her, and she used him!!!! Point is, not many parents teach respect, chivalry, equality or Integrity to their children anymore. Whole new generation of ME,ME,ME's out here in the world today!!! Grandaddy taught me early in life..... Ya give respect....ya get respect. Ya get respect....ya give respect. Equally to all genders, races and nationalities!!!! How I raised my children too!!! It DOES Work!!!! JMO

Ruth34611 Joined Sat 08/02/08 Posts: 32402	Wed 02/08/12 02:20 PM
I am sorry to hear that Ruth. I was never sexually abused by physically I was. Everytime a man even raises his hand to scratch his head; I go into defense mode. I think this had a play into why I shut myself off to relationships. Well this and the guys I met that were mentally and physically abusive to me. Listen, PLEASE believe me when I tell you that you can relearn your automatic responses. It takes time and effort, but it IS possible. You dont want to spend the rest of your life at the mercy of these responses programmed by your past. I can send you the name of a book that really helped me. I think it was called Mindsight. Change is possible. I appreciate it Ruth but I think its too late to change how I feel. Just too many bad memories and I have a history of meeting abusive men. I just don't want to put myself though that anymore. I understand that.

Spidercmb Joined Fri 04/27/07 Posts: 13137	Wed 02/08/12 02:24 PM
Even as the lines blur, as male/female roles become more and more interchangeable due to more single parent homes with the majority of those being run by the women, the mothers, I don't think you can pigeonhole loss of masculinity or femininity on the gender of the custodial parent....For all the role modeling a young boy or girl might sacrifice when one or the other parent raises them, they gain it back in spades through exposure to media via internet and TV...also peers provide a powerful influence on children....Today, their role models come from many more sources than that of the person raising them...A single mother raising a boy can insure that he is exposed to the things a father would expose him to...and of course vice versa.....Here's to good parenting skills... I don't think there are many (any?) positive male role models on TV or in the movies...I'm not even sure about the internet. Now that I think about it, the same is true about women.

Ruth34611 Joined Sat 08/02/08 Posts: 32402	Wed 02/08/12 02:26 PM
I know this was meant for NavyGirl, but I'm going to get a couple of copies. Thanks for the book suggestion. I think you'll like it. The first half is very scientific. The second half gets down to the nitty gritty on how to make the changes. You actually don't have to read the first half to get the benefit of the book. But it is pretty interesting.

Ruth34611 Joined Sat 08/02/08 Posts: 32402	Wed 02/08/12 02:29 PM
I don't think there are many (any?) positive male role models on TV or in the movies...I'm not even sure about the internet. Now that I think about it, the same is true about women. Andy Griffith. Can't think of one for women.

Spidercmb Joined Fri 04/27/07 Posts: 13137	Wed 02/08/12 02:33 PM
I don't think there are many (any?) positive male role models on TV or in the movies...I'm not even sure about the internet. Now that I think about it, the same is true about women. Andy Griffith. Can't think of one for women. Unfortunately, most kids don't watch re-runs. Kids learn what a father is from "American Dad", "Family Guy" and "The Simpsons". There just aren't many positive role models on TV for men or women.