Well said. My family and friends accept me for who I am and never try to change anything about me which is why I have the great relationship with them. Wish I could say the same for the guys I dated though.

- the important thing is that as we grow we choose and own the changes that we make because we all change - sometimes in a big way - sometimes it's barely noticeable - but they are OUR changes- not directives coming from a partner

no one has the "authority" to tell us we need to be someone else

- I tend to see if the person I am with reflects my values and is trustworthy - if after a time they are not I will try to talk about that with them, but that is not necessarily asking them to change. that is up to them what to do - and to me - what we can accept in each other as we don't know much about the other in those earliest days.


but if someone I am close to has - say- a drug use problem - I do expect that to change. a relationship is not possible any other way because that kind of person has a relationship with a substance that will always come first, period.

hey you

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I agree

when someone looks at another wanting them to change my question is why? what are they afraid of? losing that person? is my guess

I'm gonna need a HUGE closet....!

I agree we change because of our own choosing but what we are discussing is someone telling you change something in you. If we talking health issues; I would suggest to a person to change their habits to prolong their life but in the end; its their decision. I haven't the right to tell them to lose weight, quit drinking, or stop taking drugs; but I do have the right to walk away if this issue is destroying the relationship. An example of what I disagree with is a guy that I dated said I needed to act more like a woman and less a Tomboy. Now lets take in consideration; I wear dresses, make up, hight heels, lingerie, cook, etc.; all the things that are considered what a woman should be. Where the problem lies is that a guy will promise to put up a shelf or say repair a fence. So, I give the man a chance to do these chores and give him ample time to do the chore. However; waiting a week to three weeks is ridiculous; so I do the chore myself. That is when the guy gets mad at me and says I should be more of a woman because I didn't let him do the chore. I say its pure BS. The man knew I was like that before he met me and now suddenly he is uncomfortable with it. That is unacceptable as he is trying to change who I am.

if a person demand that you change everything about yourself...of course the first logical step to grant their request would to be to change from liking them to loathing them

but that's way to easy and besides if you are going to get dumped anyway, may as well have a little fun, get a little revenge and teach the person a little lesson all at the same time

DAY ONE...I will be a pirate and all day long I would wear a patch on one eye and a hook on one hand, place a voice activated stuffed parrot on my shoulder and answer all her questions with Arrrrrr Matey ...I may even resort to piracy and download movies illegally

DAY TWO..... I would jump into chick flick mode and become Gene Kelly and all day long swing around the furniture dancing while singing show tunes, by the time I finish my redition of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and The USS Pinafore she will be missing the Old me

eventually one of two things will happen...she will either dump you or apolgize for suggesting that you be someone other than yourself

but the moral of the story is that she will think twice before she tell someone else that and make better choices to find someone she like not someone she doesn't like and then demand that they change

exactly - as I said on here somewhere. People do change. I have also gone through events that have caused some changes. I am still basically gullible but not nearly so much as I used to be and I'm not as trusting either. That I find unfortunate because I think my trusting nature was one of the best things about me

so, yes, people change but those changes come from within them either by choice or through experience

if you nag your partner daily to change themselves, they will resist you and draw a line in the sand in terms of communication. My ex husband found that out - he wanted total control. no sorry - people do not change because you want them to - they change when THEY want to

BTW that 's also a basic concept in Al-Anon for families and partners of alcoholics but good stuff for anyone who struggles with a partner who cannot accept them as they are

I understand this rule. However, I want to expand a bit on this thought process. And I do this because I know that when two people do get together, they do change. Maybe they don't mean to. Maybe they don't ever realize it until either (a) they left that person and it hits them like a ton of bricks on how much they did change. Or (b) they find that they have changed because circumstances dictated it to them (maybe they try something drastic out of their comfort zone to help the relationship). My point is that when couples are together, they do change one another.

Navy, I know that you are talking about a man just doing all he can to mold you into what he wants you to be. I'm just looking at the other side to this thought. I don't think anyone wants to be told to change. But, when you believe you love someone, sometimes people give in to it. I guess deep down, most of us humans want to make others happy. Which can be a good thing. But in this case, it is destructive.

Well, Tea, Even though one of my ex's harmed me, i still half expected him to jump out from somewhere, and secretly say to me "I'm here". I secretly wanted him to, sometimes, which i know sounds stupid, cos of how he treated me. I just got really used to him sneeking up to me. It's amazing what people put up with, when they're in love. However, if someone doesn't like me for who i am, then why even bother flirting with me in the first place?

I think if you change because you truly want to; then its fine but I think its wrong to demand change of someone. I think you truly love them; you wouldn't demand them to change who they are. It would seem most people lose their identity because their partner wants them to change so much. My last boyfriend wasn't into fitness at all where as I am. He didn't have to get into a fitness regime because of me but he decided to. I gave him the option to say yes or no. It would not have changed our relationship one way or the other. So, yes he changed but not because I demanded it but because he wanted to try something different. I was equally open to going to the Legion with him which is not my thing but again thought I would give it a try. When there is no pressure on the person; they may change something about themselves but they must do it because they want to and the partner should not put any pressure or demand on them. If you truly love someone; you should accept them just as they are. I think if you are doing something to make someone happy but its not making you happy; then it seems wrong in my eyes. I will add to that Goof, that in all my relationships I have never asked any man to change for me and I have never changed for him. My relationships ended because of me traveling or the man having addictions. I am 52 years old and like to consider myself a mature enough individual that I don't see the need to change or mold someone merely to satisfy me. That is wrong and I suspect this is probably a factor to relationships ending.

The meaning of love is to accept one another for who they are. I believe when you truly love someone, you do fall for them cause they are attractive to you, you like the things they say and how they live their life, you love how they make you feel, etc. So yes, when love is their then neither partner should want to change the other. And when one partner wants to change something about themselves (like maybe one wants to exercise, while the other doesn't) then the other partner should be accepting of it.

I firmly believe that so many people just don't (or won't) trust others when it comes to relationships. I mean, you hear about cheating all the time. And, you hear about abuse (physical, mental) as well. It's like we want someone, but we cannot allow ourselves to just have faith in that person cause we don't wanna get screwed over. And that's sad. It's sad because I still want to believe in having faith in someone and at the same time finding someone who will show that same faith to me is so hard to discover.

I like what you said Navy. Lot of truth there.

Thanks Goof. You are correct that it is hard to trust in relationships. I am living proof of that. I went through mental, verbal, and physical abuse in the dating scene. It takes a lot to trust especially after physical abuse. I am afraid to turn my back on any man for fear of yet again being hit from behind. These experiences have shut me down from dating. I hope you do find someone that you can trust and have faith in.