A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


Dyslexic man walks into a bra.


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."



Answer phone message
If you're having problems with alcohol press 1. If you're having problems with smoking press 2
If you're having problems with drugs press hash.


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"


Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.


I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that hecouldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".



I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.



A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?"
asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Doctor. I think I'm a set of curtains.
Pull yourself together man.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

its a gift

and a curse

but mostly

an occupational hazard

(to be loved by anyone)

"Tom Jones Syndrome?"


**throws panties at adj***

well more like

name a line otr title of song

in response to

syndrome

Well I needed a laugh for my morning thanks, those were good