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| Topic: Was I right or wrong? Feedback wanted. | |
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The last relationship I was in, my girlfriend promised her depressed mother 3x at dinner that we'd stop by her place the next night and hang out with her. Next day, I come home from work and pick up my truck from the shop and call her. She was with some girls from work drinking and I asked her if we're still going up her moms. She says she forgot and wanted me to call and tell her mom we can't make it because she's tired from work and just wants to sleep. Now, I was friends with her mom before we got into a relationship... her son from a different father is one of my best friends. Soooo.... what should I have done? Cuz I'd say how I reacted was the reason we ended the relationship. I'll post later what I did... but asking for input on what I "should" have done. Thanx in advance. what you do is what you feel is the right thing, and I hope that is what you did. There was nothing to lie about. Her daughter prolly needed to call mom herself, but if u were going to mom's anyway - nothing wrong with showing up alone & explaining that Princess was hanging wiht some friends (and also nothing wrong with suggesting to Miss Barstool of the month to maybe stop by mom's when she left the bar) .... I don;t see why this had to become a conflict I guess that's where I am stumped  the zen approach..I like it..but I am thinking/wondering if going to see Mom isn't exactly the most fun thing to do, maybe this situation has been going on for some time and unfortunately has become something to deal with, a stresser...and he knows what the mom really wants is time with her daughter....maybe this is not the first broken promise and was the straw. |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Sun 09/18/11 06:27 AM
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Wow... that was some quick feedback, and it's quite a relief to read the responses. I was afraid people would say I acted out of anger in what I did, but I took some breathing time at home and calmed down before I made my decision. I did follow through on driving up to her mom's and playing cards and chatting with her. Her mom asked where her daughter was and I did not lie. I told her she was drinking with girls from work. The next night, my girlfriend and I drove up her mom's so she could try to make up for the night before. Thing is, she didn't ask what I did the night before when we were supposed to go up there and I didn't tell. So, she straight up lied to her mom and got caught in a lie. So, yea... shortly after we broke up. She was in a tailspin at that time and I hope what I said to her got through. I hear from my friend (her half-brother) that they've really patched thing up in their relationship. No matter how beautiful she was... lies disgust me to no end. Thanx again for the awesome responses. It sounds like you purposely set her up in a passive aggressive kinda anger. I have no patience for that kind of thing myself. Her lieing to mom is wrong, certainly. But your backstabbing is worse IMO you are supposed to be a team and be there for each other....this would have been a good time to talk with her about telling the truth and this value as a lesson....beforehand |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Sun 09/18/11 06:50 AM
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Wow... that was some quick feedback, and it's quite a relief to read the responses. I was afraid people would say I acted out of anger in what I did, but I took some breathing time at home and calmed down before I made my decision. I did follow through on driving up to her mom's and playing cards and chatting with her. Her mom asked where her daughter was and I did not lie. I told her she was drinking with girls from work. The next night, my girlfriend and I drove up her mom's so she could try to make up for the night before. Thing is, she didn't ask what I did the night before when we were supposed to go up there and I didn't tell. So, she straight up lied to her mom and got caught in a lie. So, yea... shortly after we broke up. She was in a tailspin at that time and I hope what I said to her got through. I hear from my friend (her half-brother) that they've really patched thing up in their relationship. No matter how beautiful she was... lies disgust me to no end. Thanx again for the awesome responses. It sounds like you purposely set her up in a passive aggressive kinda anger. I have no patience for that kind of thing myself. Her lieing to mom is wrong, certainly. But your backstabbing is worse IMO you are supposed to be a team and be there for each other....this would have been a good time to talk with her about telling the truth and this value as a lesson....beforehand hmm. I like that. Its a tricky spot tho. How would he know she was about to dig herself a deeper hole, with more lying. How was she to know he wouldnt back her up with her new lie. She was trying to force him to be a liar for her, on the spot. No notice, or discussion beforehand. They both seem poorly matched. because she had asked him to lie the night before so he knew that she was conflicted about having stood mom up....at that point it might have been good to say _"hey no need for any lies here. let's handle this like adults" fear of MOM should be over with as an adult.....I am not saying anyone here is a bad person, but I think there were mistakes on both sides. and asI said to start with, it did not have to become the drama that ensued...jmho IDK if they are poorly matched. that is up to them. but were it me I would not take him back....don't like people who set me up 
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It sounds like you purposely set her up in a passive aggressive kinda anger. I have no patience for that kind of thing myself. Her lieing to mom is wrong, certainly. But your backstabbing is worse IMO you are supposed to be a team and be there for each other....this would have been a good time to talk with her about telling the truth and this value as a lesson....beforehand Wow... that was some quick feedback, and it's quite a relief to read the responses. I was afraid people would say I acted out of anger in what I did, but I took some breathing time at home and calmed down before I made my decision. I did follow through on driving up to her mom's and playing cards and chatting with her. Her mom asked where her daughter was and I did not lie. I told her she was drinking with girls from work. no way did he set her up, she dug her own grave. he stated he took some time to cool down and think before he decided on what to do |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Sun 09/18/11 06:54 AM
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It sounds like you purposely set her up in a passive aggressive kinda anger. I have no patience for that kind of thing myself. Her lieing to mom is wrong, certainly. But your backstabbing is worse IMO you are supposed to be a team and be there for each other....this would have been a good time to talk with her about telling the truth and this value as a lesson....beforehand Wow... that was some quick feedback, and it's quite a relief to read the responses. I was afraid people would say I acted out of anger in what I did, but I took some breathing time at home and calmed down before I made my decision. I did follow through on driving up to her mom's and playing cards and chatting with her. Her mom asked where her daughter was and I did not lie. I told her she was drinking with girls from work. no way did he set her up, she dug her own grave. he stated he took some time to cool down and think before he decided on what to do well I do not agree at all! not at all. so I guess we just agree to disagree, ese. I wouldn't touch him w/ a 10 ft pole.....and if it was my daughter? not sure he'd be welcome 
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well I do not agree at all! not at all. so I guess we just agree to disagree, ese. I wouldn't touch him w/ a 10 ft pole.....and if it was my daughter? not sure he'd be welcome wow, the guy turned down getting drunk with his girlfriend and her friends to go visit her mother and you think he's a douche. i guess the part we might agree on is that he should have kept his mouth shut when her mom asked him about her daughter |
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well I do not agree at all! not at all. so I guess we just agree to disagree, ese. I wouldn't touch him w/ a 10 ft pole.....and if it was my daughter? not sure he'd be welcome wow, the guy turned down getting drunk with his girlfriend and her friends to go visit her mother and you think he's a douche. i guess the part we might agree on is that he should have kept his mouth shut when her mom asked him about her daughter well he was in a difficult spot, but maybe could have handled it better I don;t think he's a douche. I just think there were mistakes on both sides. he needs to man up go get her, talk it over and have some great sex |
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well I do not agree at all! not at all. so I guess we just agree to disagree, ese. I wouldn't touch him w/ a 10 ft pole.....and if it was my daughter? not sure he'd be welcome wow, the guy turned down getting drunk with his girlfriend and her friends to go visit her mother and you think he's a douche. i guess the part we might agree on is that he should have kept his mouth shut when her mom asked him about her daughter  he wasnt invited to go drinkin. Maybe thats part of it. Yes, it was a bit of betrayal. He shoulda said, 'she couldnt make it tonite' but maybe he cant think on his feet. who knows. really, that may be part of it - hadn't thought of that anyway ya work it tho - I don;t see why it was such a drama???? that was HIS doing so hold this thread up for all the guys who have in their profiles "NO DRAMA" 
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We were poorly matched, no doubt there.
Did I backstab by staying quiet and seeing how she would explain it to her mom why she stood her up? I don't see it that way, but I respect your view if that's how you feel, sweetestgirl11. I reacted in a way I thought was best for her, not me or us. I felt she needed a wake-up call for her to realize the slippery slope she was on with her family in general. I do feel a couple should have each other's backs, and I do feel I let her down on that... but I also felt very betrayed the night prior. I still feel bad about it nearly two years later, but her family tells me shortly after our break-up she made a great turnaround. That's all I ultimately wanted. What's best for her. For whatever reason, it wasn't me... at least not in the way I wanted. I guess I could've left the full reaction out of my answer, as I was just curious how other's felt I should've initially reacted. Thanx for the replies again and please don't view me as tooooooo evil. :D |
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Also of note here as I reread the later responses...
No, I don't like drama and I'm not trying to create it or whatever. I'm just reanalyzing a situation I was put and asking for feedback in a (to me, at least) difficult situation. Not once in my decision-making process did I ask "What's best for me?" or "How can I keep her so I can still get laid by her?" For me, it was an extremely difficult decision as I knew she would not be pleased with and a high risk of losing her. I guess it's one of those decisions you have to know the person and do whatever it takes to get them to step outside themselves to see the path they're on to the best of your abilities. Even at the cost of self-happiness. |
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Yes, it was a bit of betrayal. He shoulda said, 'she couldnt make it tonite' but maybe he cant think on his feet. who knows. She was staying with her brother at the time. Coming in stone cold drunk and puking near their little girl's room didn't sit well with them either. It wasn't gonna stay a secret long and sugar-coating it wasn't going to work. Bleh, now I feel I'm trying to justify my actions. >:( |
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Noted and quoted...
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I think you handled it perfect.
If you were friends with the mom, I don't see anything wrong with visiting her anyways. There is nothing wrong with honestly answering the mother's question of where her daughter is. If she decides to lie to her mother that's all on her. If she was blind folded and walking into traffic, keeping your mouth shut would be a bad thing. Keeping quiet so someone will learn a lesson they otherwise ignore, that's fine with me. As teenagers we all learned that experience is everything. Your parents can tell you not to do something for 13yrs, but until you acctually do it, you just don't understand. Just look at cigarettes. |
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Yeah, I dislike liars too. That's all I'm saying.
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Edited by
winterblue56
on
Mon 09/19/11 04:06 PM
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Well...I don't know about everyone else; but I would bend over backwards for my mother. Anything she asked..I would do for her. If that meant dropping everything and running over there to sit and have coffee with her...in a heartbeat
 . Sometimes people don't know what they have until it's gone. So for your girlfriend to make a promise and then break it to go drinking with her friends ...and ask you to lie about it; is just unacceptable in any way, shape or form. I think you handled it very well. Kudos to you  .
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