You know, I feel like I should have my own place to rant. I deserve that don't I?

What's up with kids, dogs and seniors. Are they related or somethin. Every time you clean them up their back makin a mess. When I get a little older I'm gettin pay back. Forget them diapers, I had to wear them enough when I was little. No more, you guys are gonna clean my crap and I don't want to hear no lip about it either. I've waited all my life to stop sittin on that disgustin seat and by golly there won't be a thing you can do about it. As soon as you get me up I'm goin. I'll tell you how I spell relief "clean me".

Oh and you kids, you ain't no better. Just cause we make faces with google eyes at ya, don't think for one second we're all that crazy about cleanin that stuff up. There's no way on God's green Earth I like stickin my hand down there to check on you. Let me give it to ya straight kid, you stink! When we stand around saying how cute it is we're lyin through our teeth. It's a show we have to put on so they don't lock us up. You can bet your sweet bippy if the mind police was around we'd all be sittin in jail right now cause your nasty. It doesn't smell like roses it's poop. Plain and simple poop is what it is.

And don't you go runnin and hiden from me. "Man's best friend" right! If you were my best friend you wouldn't go runnin out in the middle of my yard to take a dump. What do you think your doin fertilizin the place? You can't wait till you get to the dog park so ya can crap on their lawn? That's right, if no ones lookin I ain't pickin it up. Ain't my shoes. People should know better than to walk around dogs anyway. And what is it, do you have a built in brain chip that tells you that every time I give you a bath that means your supposed ta dry off in the dirt? Why do you think I just gave you a bath? "mans best friend"

Well I've had it with all of ya. If you can't wipe your own butts don't come around no more. Leave me be, I've got better thangs to do than mess with your crap.

there now, you all have a good evenin, don't be a stranger

This senior thing

Well I've never been so confused about anythin in my whole entire life. Today I had ta go pick up my niece from school (she wasn't feelin well). It's tough picken her up cause she weighs a ton. Just kidden I love the little kridder. Anyway I walk in the school and they were so nice. Ya know they put in our own waiten area? No kidden, I wouldn't pull your leg. Sure enough there was a sign outside the door that said seniors 101 home room. Ya know what's weird though. All the time I was in there I saw no other seniors. The only people that came by were kids not more than 18 I bet, except for the lady that came in and called out all their names. They weren't there but 10 minutes or so till they got up and left. And you know somethin, their just messin with you when they tell ya it's a waitin area. It ain't a waiten area. They started haven class in there. Now what good is it ta have a waiten area that you can only be in for 10 or so minutes before some old biddy of a teacher comes and kicks ya out. Why I must have stood in that hall for at least 30 minutes before that officer came in and escorted me out.

There ya go, first class all the way. Heck that police man was so nice he gave me a tour of his office and took a picture of me so I wouldn't have to go out and buy an ID or something in case I ever got lost I guess. I'm not fullin ya, they even told me from now on they got a record of my whereabouts so they know where I am. Now how bout that. Don't believe all ya hear about police. You know them people are so nice down there, they gave me my own room. That's what I call a waiten room. I'm not kidden you, they had your own bed in there in case you get tired and a crapper so I didn't have to walk down the hall. You know that big ole boy shut my door and locked them other people out so no one would bother me. Ya see some of those other fellas didn't know how nice they had it and were gettin a little routy. It's OK though they quieted right down when I started reciten poetry (I do that when I get nervous some times). Now you would think them big ole boys wouldn't like poetry seein they looked all tough and stuff but I assure ya as soon as I started talken they where all ears. You would think they never heard poetry before the way they where all callin and whistlin. Some of em even invited me to their room for a get together later. They ain't so bad. But I couldn't hang out with Tag and the rest of the guys cause my family missed me and came to pick me up. My family must have wanted me to come home pretty bad cause I saw my cousin at the front desk payin off rent. Shoot if I would have know we were payin for it I would have stayed all night singing songs with the boys.

Well I'm home again and no harm done cause my niece isn't even mad at me. Shes on that tweeter thang talkin to her pals about my tattoo. Guess I left out that part didn't I. I'll tell ya bout it some time but for now I gotta take a little nap. Get's awful tiren when your a senior.

you all have a good evenin, don't be a stranger

the senior life is awesome is it not?

Alright!

my best friend's poop

I got to the dog park today and after a few greet and meets Pepper (my dogs first name) went runnin off in search of that magical place. I can tell when she's gonna spritz one or drop one just by watchin how she's bout to deliver the message. When she's bout to do the P word (well heck I already said it by sayin P now didn't I) she drops her lady like bottom and does the tinkle thang. Not too much mind ya (less she's been holdin it a while) cause I thank she's playin miss flirt out there with the boys spreadin her perfume all round. Just as a side note I'd tried this myself one night. Yep, went out with a spray bottle of my sweet yellow overflow in it but I didn't get that great of a reaction. It wasn't until I got to the sports bar before it started workin and all those girls had muscles bigger than me so I left. Any way where was I? Oh, the magical place. Well I can always tell cause she's like an Indian circlin the camp when she's bout to make her deposit. Now here's where thangs get a little tricky. I don't want to stand there and watch her cause I don't want her (when we get home) to be watchin me. Just seems a common courtesy me bein a man and her bein a girl and all. So I head over to the plastic bag box that the nice people of the park supply for just this occasion while she's peacefully doin her thang. If these didn't have doggie prints printed on them I'd swear these were sandwich bags. I wonder how they figure out the size of that bag? Anyway, I get the thang and head back over to the dumpin sight and sure enough there's twelve piles of poop to choose from. I swear these folks must be knowin I'm comin to the park that day and figure I'll do the waste management deed as some type of community service or somethin. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew which one was hers. For you all who live in the cold weather you don't have this problem cause ya just pick up the steamin one, but here we have to do it by feel and heat. I might seem dumb at first glance but let me tell ya there's an art to this.

The first thang you want to do when you get to the place in question is look for the gatherin of flys. The more flys you have on a the little bundle of joy the fresher it is. This is gonna narrow the field down to three or four.

The next step is somethin you should do ahead of time "study". Get to know your pet's pile. Smell it, touch it feel it in the privacy of your own home. There's no shame here, she'd do the same for you if she had the chance. I know this cause they do it for each other at the park. They have no problem whatsoever stickin their nose into another dog's business. And ya know what they say "if they would do it for a stranger they for sure would do it for you". Heck I've even seen some dogs take pride in the art and act of sniffin. This should take you down to two.

The next step is one of faith cause your never gonna really know unless you follow my method. Reach down there and grab that poop. If it's the right one well ya done your job, if not you still made the park one poop pile less and that's a good thang.

What's my method? Well I was thinkin to get one of those patent things on this but I guess someone else will just have to claim my prize and glory. I have developed a sure fire answer to the question of responsible pooper scoopin, "doggie dodo flags" Now if ya run off with this idea and make a fortune I want ta see a slice of that pie. I got the idea while watchin the Golf channel at the same time I was watchin my sweet thang of a pet deliver a big juicy one on the front lawn. I kinda think she maybe did it on purpose to save me embarrassment at the park or maybe it was savin her the embarrassment of her dad reaching over playin with dog dirt. Either way I got me a nice little business going and even do custom flags and poles for those who would like to personalize their dogs spot of choice or honor their favorite holidays or birthdays.

I went by a park I never been at before and sure enough there were my flags stickin in poop piles all over the place. I stopped and watched with a great sense of pride as the dog's owners would be heading back from the plastic bag holders knowin that I have made this world a better place to live in. Sometimes I get a tear in my eye just thinkin about it. Well it could have been the onion I just peeled for my egg salad but all the same I feel good about doin my part. And ya know it's been good for Pepper (my dogs first name) too. She has more friends at the park then ever.

you all have a good evenin, don't be a stranger

hey...I resemble that remark