It was a hot day...
Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .

She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?"

So, she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice.... "I don't usually go into bars, but today I vill make an exception...It is zo hot, I tink I'll haf myself a cold beer"

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

A security guard at the Olympic Games in Bejing in 2008 saw a man dressed in athletes attire carrying a long stick.
He approached the man and asked,
“Are you a Pole Vaulter?”
The man replied,
“No, I’m German. And how did you know my name is Walter?”

A woman I worked with told me a true story about her friend who spoke very broken english...

She went to the corner store and asked the cashier for "sex tonight - five dollar". The man wasn't sure he understood and asked her to repeat what she said. The lady repeated "I need sex tonight for five dollar." The cashier told her to leave the store. The lady went home very upset and her son tried to figure out what was wrong. He went back with her to the store and asked the cashier what happened. He said that she'd wanted him to pay five dollars to have sex with her. The son explained that she was trying to buy a lottery ticket. She wanted the $5 Set For Life.

When deGaulle, the most famous of French presidents in the first few post WWII years, was about to retire, the embassies in Paris were each buzzing. At the reception and gala dinner in the American embassy in his honour, the language of the conversation was English, in honour of the host. Someone asked the retiring president's wife, "and what do you look forward to in the retirement years?" Mrs. de Gaulle answered, quietly and shyly, "a Penis."

Dead silence. People did not know whether to swallor or spit the spoonful of soup already in their mouths. They just kept it in there, hoping something would happen very soon.

Her husband leaned over, and audibly whispered to her, saving the situation:
"Mon Cherie... in English it's pronounced Appiness."