Welcome to the Q&A Hole, if you don’t see your question answered here, send us an email. We’ll do our best to answer and if enough people drop the same bomb on us we’ll clearly have to spell it out on here. No fear, just ask, but you better read out this page first because we go a little crazy getting questions already answered. You’re mean, not dumb, so read first, and then ask your question.

What will I get in the mail?
Regardless of what you order, you will always receive your semi-live sample (should be mostly eggs, though a few may have hatched in transit,) plus detailed instructions on how to give them to your no-longer-loved one. You will also get your own anti-crab solution, in case of accidental self-crabbifying. You will also get an order form you can use to place future orders, as well as a catalog, and you may even get a coupon for future discounts, something we reserve for our most loyal customers.

How do I give away these crabs?
It’s easier than you think! You can give them to yourself to transmit, or even hand them off physically to the intended victim, if you like. If your ex is the sort who keeps the landing strip shorn clean, you won’t actually be able to give them to her, but if you can put them in her bed, they can still live off her blood regardless of hair until her new lover comes over, at which time he will catch them from her sheets and blankets. Each order ships with a detailed brochure detailing a number of the most popular methods of giving the crabs, so don’t worry too much about it.

Can I give crabs to myself?
Of course you can! One of the easiest ways to give the crabs is by giving them to yourself in advance of that one last hookup with your despised ex. Some buyers choose to give them to themselves just so they can seem more popular sexually, which can technically be effective, though the methods and motives alike are a bit suspect at best.

How many people give crabs to their exes?
There are no official statistics published at this point, but we believe around 70-80% of individuals give crabs to their former lovers, whether on purpose or just as a matter of course. If you’re considering the purchase of Revenge Crabs but are having doubts, we suggest you seize the opportunity, buy the product, give these crabs to your ex and see how it works out for you. You can always go back and give her the shampoo if you have regrets, but your opportunity to be close enough to give them to her may never be as good in the future as it is today.

I’m afraid of spiders, should I buy Revenge Crabs?
Certainly! Crabs are nothing like spiders, mostly because they’re almost invisible, but more because they have all kinds of other, terrible connotations that come along with them. There’s the social stigmatism, the emotional damage and the difficult process needed to explain the infestation to any other potential lovers in the interim. Spiders are just gross and creepy, but crabs can be so redeeming and wonderful, and they’re much too small to remind you of a spider!

What if I get caught with my crabs?
What if you get caught with an ant farm? What if you get caught with a bee hive and a bucket of honey? What if you get caught with a tank full of Sea Monkeys? Novelty infestations are not common, but they do exist, and if someone thinks it strange that you have a blossoming colony of genital crab lice in your home, that’s really more their problem than yours. Next they’ll be telling you it’s crazy to have a cat or dog!

I shave the shizzle out of my carpet, but my butt’s a mangy mess, is that a problem?
Technically, there is never anything wrong with shaven genitals, nor a really thick welding apron of an anus, but as it pertains to hosting whole civilizations of crabs, the fact that your frontal area is bald will be of no consolation if your rump is a forest of refuge, no matter how attractive and comely it may be to your fellows.

Is it illegal to give crabs on purpose?
Almost certainly no, though you should always consult your own attorney, and not take our off-the-cuff suggestions as legal advice. We have a whole page dedicated to the legality of our Revenge Crabs, but it cites a bunch of reasons why it’s probably totally legit to give your ex crabs, even on purpose, even with malicious intent. Find that page on our navigation bar, and if your question still isn’t answered, feel free to use our contact page to drop us a line.

What color are crabs?
Dark brown, ideally, but if they arrive in colors from red to purple, we’ll call it good enough. Most of their lives they are white or clear, only becoming visible in dark colors after having feasted on human blood, but they’re rarely noticeable during such periods of inconspicuousness. Please do not use this as a definitive source on the matter, since these slices of spectrum are designed to indemnify us against lawsuit, rather than to actually educate our consumers. My crabs were dark brown, and they itched like insanity, and I even shaved my junk-spots to rid them, but they just migrated taintwards, and that was even worse.

Can I get in trouble for giving crabs to my ex?
Depends how big she is, whether or not she owns a gun, or if she’s the type to sneak into your bed at night and slice you up. Ha ha. No, but seriously, no you can’t. From the moral angle it’s perfectly acceptable to do it, and from the legal end it’s almost as solid, so you should be fine.

What health risks are associated with Revenge Crabs?
The risks from Revenge Crabs should be none. These are farm-raised crabs harvested in a uniquely simulated environment, fed only animal products, and the supply chain is kept entirely away from human contact from egg to hatch to shipment. The only risk you should ever face is that your girl will get back with you, and you’ll have some explaining to do.

What are Revenge Crabs fed?
We only feed our crabs livestock-grade animal products, usually beef blood. We’d like to tell you more but we have to protect our trade secrets, you know.

I have head lice; can I just stuff that in my girlfriend’s pants for the same affect?
First of all, it’s “effect” not “affect” (though the difference paints a comical scenario,) but your lack of grammatical understanding is overshadowed only by your lack of biological comprehension. No you can’t. Head lice have feet close together to grasp thin, narrow-spaced hair. Pubic crabs have legs on their sides to grasp coarse, wide-spaced hair. These are two organisms as entirely different as smart people are compared to people like you who keep asking this question, even though we’ve had the answer published since it was first asked.

What are the Shampoo Resistant crabs, and how are they different?
When we first launched our business, we hired on “Dave”, a promising dropout from NYU who had so much wisdom we couldn’t imagine how he couldn’t cover his tuition payments, especially considering he was on the G.I. Bill. He’s been our resident expert in Phthirus Pubis Husbandry, and he took it upon himself to spend his spare time developing a strain of Shampoo resistant parasites. Basically he feeds the batches small amounts of Permethrin (the poison that kills them) and re-breeds the survivors. Those that have come out the tail end of the breeding process are quite different in shape and color, but most importantly, they have a much greater resistance to treatment. They can still be killed, but if you don’t completely soak even one of them, they’ll come back stronger than ever, and they’ll do it over and over again.

Isn’t the breeding of Super Crabs morally irresponsible?
No. It’s basically fine. We’ve been wronged, so doing wrong in kind is always justified. Just be thankful the option exists for you. You’re welcome.

Can I order other breeds of crab?
We commonly get requests for hermit, King, Dungeness, snow, Christmas Island and Opilio breeds of crab, but we are unable to fulfill these requests. If you have to ask about foodstuff breeds of crab it’s very likely that you have somehow misunderstood the mission and purpose of Revenge Crabs. We would suggest that you read our other web site pages and try to get a better handle on it. We give crabs to your ex. Not your wife for your anniversary, and not on a platter with butter. We do this for revenge, not romance. That’s basically it.

Why crabs instead of something more serious?
We considered an array of typically sexual maladies during our business planning phase, but decided against them for a number of legal, practical and moral reasons. Herpes and Hepatitis leave permanent damage, and HIV remains fatal, so none of those would be acceptable in terms of our corporate mission statement. Syphilis, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia are all easily cured, and can be extremely funny and embarrassing, but lab tests found them too difficult to transmit without detection. Ultimately our decision came down to crabs or scabies, but since scabies can be caught a number of ways that do not involve extra-relationship sex, we felt there was no choice left but crabs.

Can I give crabs to friends, family, enemies or others who aren’t my ex?
Of course you can! There’s little that’s more comical as a practical joke than infesting your grandmother, who may have been celibate these thirty years since pappy died, with pubic crabs. What we do is breed a hearty line of pubic crabs. What you do with them is up to you, and is surely as varied in use as our patrons are in personality. If you’ve got a purpose for them, we’ve got crabs to fill that order.

What are Nits?
Gross, that’s what they are. This question was supposed to be answered by a member of our technical staff, but they’ve ignored repeated requests, probably because they’re a bunch of stupid stoners, and now I have to publish the answer and here we are. They’re gross, I guess. Maybe not, but probably, so “gross” is my answer. Nits are gross. Sorry I can’t be more helpful, but maybe go read Wikipedia or something.

What is the return policy?
If you’re honestly asking what our policy is as it pertains to mailing live pubic crabs back to us so you can get your money back, sadly the answer is that you can’t, and not because you’re not a good person, but because you’re delusional. Why would we want your crabs back? Odds are they’re dead, or worse, they’re still alive. If you need a refund or replacement shipment please contact our customer care department by email, but don’t mail us crabs. We’re not your ex and we don’t deserve that, no matter what condition they are in. Gross dude, seriously.

I think I got crabs because of your site, what should I do?
You should start by thanking your lucky stars our site isn’t called Revenge AIDS, and then go make amends with your ex who actually gave them to you, because we’re just a supplier, we don’t actually give crabs to any but our purchasing customers. Beyond that, if you want information about the who’s, where’s, and what’s, you can get rid of your crabs and then seduce somebody in our office. We have very strict data control protocols, but as much as we like to put our bros before our hoes, them hoes got that one thing we need, so we’re pretty susceptible to the ways of the fairer sex… especially a crazy like you who already has a track record of putting up with dudes who are totally beneath you. Feel free to use the contact form to solicit us, but be explicit because we get a lot of these things.