great first post

hope you will be sharing more of your insight

in the future

..i think with women it's all that crazy hormonal/estrogen combination that makes them all crazy and miserable ..and the only way they can be happy is to make sure someone is more miserable then them ...so they marry..and then comes along some poor unsuspecting happy schmuck ..and the widow,thats black widow springs her trap,dumps a kid or two cracks the whip and works the poor shmuck to death...of course this is just one theory...

,,tomorrow the story of the black widow huntress and the lone buck... jk

it's an easier way for me to see boobies

Am not looking for a relationship to complete me but to compliment and enhance the life I have......but am pretty sure that those looking for completion lack the understanding of how to complete themselves....and maybe a lack of nuturing one anoter or understanding what that is

I think this is probably right, although I would also suggest that this 'completion' thing has rather a lot to do with that little matter of 'baggage'. We all carry at least some - it is part of being human. The real trick is NOT to impose the nasty items hidden within said baggage on others - most especially significant - or potentially significant others. A psychologist might tell you that just about everything that happens to us, that we are a part of, or witness, or that affects us is somehow filed away in our minds - progressing from conscious to subconscious memory as time passes. Such memories, most especially those that we are no longer consciously aware of (otherwise described as subconscious ones) never the less affect our conscious and the ways in which we perceive situations and the actions and words of others. To others this process might manifest itself as insecurity or jealousy. It might lead to innocent words or actions resulting in out of proportion reactions. Ever been really confused about the reaction of a partner to something innocently meant? "Pah - must be hormones" (or) "typical bl**dy woman / man (delete as appropriate)" ...

I guess the real message is that it is good to feel right with yourself. In fact - you NEED to feel 'right with yourself' before you have any genuine chance of building a relationship that stands a chance of lasting with someone else. We are all human - and at the end of the day, the majority of us will have some areas of subconscious that contain insecurities - or conscious that is negative about some aspect of ourselves. The trick is to identify these, have the courage to drag them out into the light of day - and accept them. They are a part of you - and the responsibility for them rests in the first instance with YOU.

Thanks May

then again some people find a lot of happiness and comfort in lifelong relationships - like Bogey & Bacall...a lot has to do with allowing, NO, expecting that u and ur partner will maintain significant separate identities. we bring more to the table that way. Even couples who spend a lot of time together each have "their own thing going" in some way - at least what I've observed in my family

Gues those psychology classes paid off after all eh?

true. it's imporant to know urself and to be aware in interactions with others that we can never know with any certainty what that person has been through when we meet them or see them each day - could have been something quite horrific

also it's important to give way when dealing with the naieve. don't hate someone because they're freaking out over a small thing. It could be the worst thing that's happend in their expereince.

We perceive events within the framework of our own expereinces and this colors our understanding - knowing this may not increase our capacity for understanding so much as it defines our limitations for us as we interact with others. namste

I like ur post also

Never been to psychology classes - I just find people and general human interaction interesting and I guess I must admit - I have read a fair bit. At the end of the day - it is all theory and theories; on a shallow level like clothing and music - go in and out of fashion. Also (of course) as I recall putting at the end of my first post on this subject - I could just be talking complete and utter bollox.

Sweet Girl gets it about right - and I agree - hate is the very last thing you should feel if and when someone appears to over-react. As she says (my reading of her meaning, so apologies in advance if I got it wrong) - you just do not necessarily know what connections he or she might have made as a result of whatever it might have been that set the whole thing off.

We all have our 'moments' - but it is generally only when you get to know someone better on a personal level that you begin to see beneath the public front - that persona that most of humanity adopt for general consumption. Maybe it is partially a British thing - this front. A hangover from that old standby - the 'stiff upper lip' - not letting 'the b***ards grind you down', 'best foot forward' etc - etc ad nausium .... From my viewpoint - another of those 'tricks' perhaps - the point is to not impose responsibility for those darker moments on another. If I get to feeling a bit down - or just want some space - I make that clear - together with also being clear about the fact that it is NOT their fault. A darker moment or a need for a little me time is just that - and will pass. Suitably recharged - the usual nutter can return full of bounce and wit once again ...... (at least - that's the theory ....)

Of course - we all react to inner turmoil in different ways and we all deal with it in different ways. Some prefer to talk things through. Some prefer to deal with whatever it might be themselves. The important thing here IMO is simply honesty and clarity.

Enough already ...

In theory, I would have to agree. In practice, I find that my partners feel totally compelled to try to change me -- their concept of "separate identities" is for me to take on THEIR beliefs and values, even when those beliefs and values are completely alien and abhorrent to me. This is not a good recipe for a lifelong relationship.

Blimey - looks to me that you are drawn towards a particular personality type dude. A lot more common than we might think is that - and certainly (in most cases at least) not a question of deliberate choice. A concept that has always bewildered me - and peed me off in equal measure - is the apparent need for one side of a partnership to always appear as dominant. Actually - I REALLY Hate that!!! I don't want to dictate how or what to think to anyone - and the news is - NO ONE does that to me either.

I don't know, the problem has persisted over dozens of relationships with all kinds of different types. The common element is that they lie to me in the beginning -- because I don't want kids, and I won't get involved with anyone who has them or wants them -- and tell me "I don't want kids either." Three months into the relationship, there's a magical metamorphosis, and they decide WE should have kids. This leads, almost immediately, to the end of the relationship.

The underlying issue seems to be that I'm SUPPOSED to change my entire value system just because they've decided that they have to have a bay-bee.

I'm actually enjoying being single, dating who I want and doing what I want. I don't need something serious right now to be happy.

I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. I have a great job, good friends,a roof over my head, fun hobbies, and good health which makes me quite happy. If I meet someone; its just icing on the cake. I think we would all like to find that special person to grow old with but if we make it our main goal in life then we forget how to be happy with ourselves. I just take life day by day and if I meet someone then fine but if not I will still be very happy.

I agree 100% with this......

Finally found someone confident enough not to change me into his idea of me........and I love him for it!!!

Most people are influenced by what others tell them to do...or rather what others think that they should do. How many times have you been offered "advice" from people who seem to know what is best for you? Countless times I am sure. And while they may have the best of intentions for you, none of them can decide what it is that is best for you. Reality is, we should all make our own choices based on what we want. Not what someone else wants. You hear it all the time. Go into this career because their is more money in it. Date this type of person because it will help you gain status. And on, and on, and on.

The problem is that people WANT to think they are individuals. The reality is that the majority of us still listen to what "they" tell us. I'm not trying to start a revolution here. And, I am not saying to not look for advice. Getting good, sound advice is a good thing. I am talking about doing those things that you want to do. Take a risk. Fall on your face. It's the only way you will know you are alive. But I have preached on far too long.

We have been taught through words and actions all our lives that to be happy we need to be a couple.

Which sets us up for failure.

We cannot be happy as a couple unless both parts of the couple are already happy individuals.

because eventually it gets kind of boring with the same dildo...