- A day without sunshine is like...night.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- Remember, half the people you know are below average.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?

- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

- Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

- Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

HardeehardeeHaaaaaaaaaaaa ... ... those were really good!


Jack Handy would be so proud ...


If I had a giant house, I would host a large group of travelers stranded by the Icelandic ash-cloud, We would stay up all night reading about science and volcanoes, learn about each others culture, and just have fun. Once the ash cloud abated and it was time for goodbyes, I would lock the doors and block the entryway with a woodsman's axe, but then I'd say,..... 'just kidding, you can leave.'

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear

For those mad scientists that keep human heads in jars, heres a tip, why not add a slice of lemon for freshness.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

Of all my imaginary friends, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill.

If youre in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!



Hmmmm ... ... Maybe he'll even use yours and revive his career, they are better after all ...

why are people on tv yet in the movies?
If a deaf person goes to court is it still called a hearing?

Good ones!

I like what Phuque2 said today about the telly:

Sex on a TV doesn't hurt, unless ya fall off ...

Hahahaha!