a pig playing poker with a zebra at food city

your turn

"My God, Lansford, the crow is addictive!"

I tossed a bag of potatoes at him. "No, James, it's only the unusual weather that makes you feel that way. The truth is, it's 1904 and the world is about to end."

He turned, gazed directly at the purple snowman standing on the stairway. "You mean....?"

"That's right, James, the lemonade is contaminated with oven cleaner. Our only hope is to hide behind an enormous gray moose."

In the distance, a clown sneezed.

A petulant angel ripping the wings off a butterfly.

God I wished I still dropped acid too.

We've flattened their fingers. We've branded their buns. But, nothing is working....SEND IN THE NUNS!

Cinderella in prison with a coleman cookstove

my dp

Grandpa can pop caps by squeezing his rock hard butt cheeks.

I have a penis instead of a heart.

the moose walks backwards in the moon light.. but the hawk flies south on thursdays

72 virgins skinny dipping in rivers of honey... HEAVEN!

Tap dancing mimes have hearts made of penises too.

Bugs Bunny looked mentally challenged in the "Alice In Wonderland" movie.

green

tonight I watched tv in a bar and drank a margarita with a bunch of married people

I felt like a fly on the windowsill

a weed in the garden

a 6 fingered glove


but fortunately they were all nice, and no one asked me

"Oh honey, didn't u bring a date?"



















there is a God

Smack a pigs *** win a quarter!

"Woof woof" said the clown, as she poured herself another pint of gerbils. "Never in my life has she needed this more" she said, pretending she was the the toaster.

The toaster just looked at her like she was a kettle.

The kettle didnt say a word.

Neither did the American Indian who was standing on his head wearing a kimono.

"I can see one of his balls" said the king.

the king was not lying, he not only seen his balls, but his racket as well
"this is no time for games" said the king


in walked a sumo wrestler dressed as little orphan annie challanging everyone to a heated game of hop scotch

No one said a word

Except the five-legged dog from Poland who was on webcam. As he seductively undone another button on his collar, he muttered 'floccinaucinihilipilification'.

"That will be five pounds please" said the Maltese pedophile.

The equation sat on the chalkboard like an angry moth on a pool table.

Jimmy peered at it from seventeen angles, finally shook his head.

"I don't get it," he finally said. "What is A?"

"A is archaeology," Professor Snyderman replied.

"How does archaeology fit into a mathematical equation, Professor?"

"How does it not? It's a science, a study, an area of global concern. Without archaeology, we wouldn't have pyramids or television, man would never have gone to the moon or some of the seedier areas of Denmark."

"You haven't answered my question."

"You haven't asked one. Well, you did, but it was either rhetorical or subcutaneous, I forget which is which now. Let's just say that architecture is important to the understanding of history."

"We were talking about archaeology, Professor."

"All words that start with 'arch' are the same word, Jimmy -- archeology, architecture, archaeopteryx, archipelago, archery. All the same."

"That's insane."

"That's linguistics. That's the nature of language. That's the nature of the beast."

"Which beast?"

"The one that uses language. The one that likes to talk about archdioceses and archimandrites."

"I just came over here to ask if I could borrow your banjo."

"Why, certainly. It is rather strange, though."

"What do you mean?"

"The B in the equation -- ? It stands for banjo."

the goat drove his van down the road singing all i want for christmas is my 2 front teeth..
while the dog in the back seat was performing open heart surgary on an artichoke