Community > Dating & Relationships

Topic: Separated .........
s1owhand Joined Fri 05/18/07 Posts: 29437	Tue 06/01/10 07:57 PM
Separated is just that. Single doesn't mean that there are no conflicts and married does not mean unavailable. Grow up people and stop labeling everyone. Everyone is an individual and I've seen a lot of different situations. Since I'm married and not looking then I have a different take now...but please remember that each person and relationship is unique. You have to come to know someone before you can make any real assessment of their situation. I agree with some of this .. yes. But not the "married does not mean unavailable" part. Sorry but that's not gonna fly in my world. I honor a committment 2 people make between each other. I KNOW if I was the wife of someone who signed onto a dating site I'd be devastated. I believe in the Golden Rule so there is no way I will do to another's wife what could be done to me. Actually WAS done to me. At least not knowingly. perhaps you do not understand me on that point. what i mean is that when some people are married they are actually available. not everyone just some. sometimes both parties of the marriage are available. this is not a good marriage but happens when it is pulling apart at the seams or perhaps is merely extremely unconventional. my point is - you never know until you really understand the situation - the specific situation. merely throwing around the label married, single or separated means little. so all i say is don't judge based on a label. it is unreliable in the end.

Fade2Black Joined Mon 10/08/07 Posts: 50752	Tue 06/01/10 08:09 PM
I appreciate you clarifying SH. For the record then .. I don't judge EVER. I have found that when I judge I end up BEING judged. And it hurts a whole lot more

jamsarsal Joined Wed 06/02/10 Posts: 4	Wed 06/02/10 05:40 PM
I think it depends on the situation. I am seperated but in the process of divorce. There is no going back to him or him to me. He has moved on with a new life and that is what I am doing. I agree that I would rather be totally honest on here than say that I am divorced when I am not. It's just up to the individuals opinion.

bum_runner Joined Wed 06/02/10 Posts: 24	Fri 06/04/10 12:42 PM
I hadn't even considered that would be a problem for some people. I am currently separated and my wife lives across the country while i live in Chicago. There's no going back. We are moving on. I understand the position most people seem to agree on, but i think everyone's individual situation merits individual consideration instead of just lumping all of us as un-datable. just a thought

Fade2Black Joined Mon 10/08/07 Posts: 50752	Fri 06/04/10 03:00 PM
I think it depends on the situation. I am seperated but in the process of divorce. There is no going back to him or him to me. He has moved on with a new life and that is what I am doing. I agree that I would rather be totally honest on here than say that I am divorced when I am not. It's just up to the individuals opinion. Oh I totally agree you should be honest! That wasn't in the equation as far as my post was concerned

luv2roknroll Joined Sun 07/06/08 Posts: 30367	Fri 06/04/10 03:22 PM
Like the song says.... "Gotta keep em seperated"!!! You aint SEPERATED, TILL YOUR SEPERATED FOR GOOD!

Fade2Black Joined Mon 10/08/07 Posts: 50752	Fri 06/04/10 03:37 PM
I’ve wasted years being unhappy trying to make this marriage work just because of my kids, so now that we are where we are, I don't see a reason why I should wait until I am divorced.... I deserve to live my life and find someone who i can be happy with. The 'reason' you lost sight of is the role modeling you provide your kids. Just like you were hoping to show them to work on a marriage when you hit the bumps, you can continue to role model honorable behavior. You can work on yourself as an individual while you are finalising a divorce and show your kids that this is how you show respect to them, yourself, your ex, and even your potential new someone. I missed this post before but I totally agree. I stayed in my marriage years longer than I should have "for the kids". We were living in separate bedrooms and I suddenly realized this was even WORSE than the fear of divorce's effects on my kids, because they would get the idea THIS was what marriage was. Nothing could be further from the truth. Instead I chose to model good separation & divorce techniques and what to do when there is NO way to reconcile. How to be kind and compassionate and work thru the child custody issues. And how to develop a strong single-parent home without making the children feel the heavy negative effects of so-called 'broken home' syndrome. I spent a lot of extra time with my children so they would continue to sense stability and strength thru the divorce.

Fade2Black Joined Mon 10/08/07 Posts: 50752	Fri 06/04/10 03:40 PM
Like the song says.... "Gotta keep em seperated"!!! You aint SEPERATED, TILL YOUR SEPERATED FOR GOOD! Ha ha .. there's my Rocker Girlfriend. I had that song stuck in my head when I started this thread.

luv2roknroll Joined Sun 07/06/08 Posts: 30367	Fri 06/04/10 03:42 PM
Like the song says.... "Gotta keep em seperated"!!! You aint SEPERATED, TILL YOUR SEPERATED FOR GOOD! Ha ha .. there's my Rocker Girlfriend. I had that song stuck in my head when I started this thread. Yeah, Its a great song.... but a lousey life choice... MOVE ON MFERS!!!Ya know?

Fade2Black Joined Mon 10/08/07 Posts: 50752	Fri 06/04/10 03:42 PM
I hadn't even considered that would be a problem for some people. I am currently separated and my wife lives across the country while i live in Chicago. There's no going back. We are moving on. I understand the position most people seem to agree on, but i think everyone's individual situation merits individual consideration instead of just lumping all of us as un-datable. just a thought And I do agree. We need to see each situation from it's own unique perspective. But MY perspective was from the person DATING the separated person, not the separated person themselves. And from your beginning sentence, that's what I created this thread FOR. Because I don't think most people who are separated and on a dating site think thru what it's like for the person who's taking the chance on dating them when they don't SEEM to be 'final' yet. It's JUST a thought as well

sweetestgirl11 Joined Fri 09/12/08 Posts: 30087	Fri 06/04/10 05:03 PM
What's your take on those who are separated looking to find luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv on here? I mean comeon. Could ya finish ONE thing before starting another? GEESH. Yeah, I don't think it makes them look to good either. when I see seperated, I see still married, so I pass them just as I would someone who is married. exactly - married or NOT married is how it is. "separated" is really a legal term that is helpful in defining legal matters, but u r not yet single I have been approached by separated men really I don't go there - I'm only interested in men who are single and preferably have been single for awhile. A separated person is more likely to try to reunite with their former partner making ur life miserable - same with a very recent divorcee - also it's too much drama to try to be with someone who is so recently "separated" for a lot of reasons - left over issues & attachments that make them really not ready or able to give %100 to a new relationship.

IgorFrankensteen Joined Thu 10/01/09 Posts: 5444	Fri 06/04/10 05:07 PM
Aaah, an old complaint. I AM a separated person. I AM trying to get on with my life, because the laws where I live DEMAND that I can't get a complete divorce in under two years. In some places, it's even worse: last I heard, in Ireland, they have to stay separated, living apart for SIX YEARS before the government allows them to apply for complete divorce. So anyway, I AM done with my marriage. I am NOT trying to start something new before I finished the first thing. I Am trying to deal honorably with my ex, AND with other people I might meet here and elsewhere, so I am open and honest about my status, AND I am carefully fulfilling my obligations to my children and my ex. I fully understand the annoyance SOME people have with the fact that there are SOME people who PRETEND to be Separated, who are actually cheating on their spouse, and I can appreciate that OCCASIONALLY a separated person ends up going back to their original spouse. But that in no way makes it okay to insult and disparage those of us who are behaving openly and honorably. After all, divorce does NOT make someone magically wonderful again. Divorced people are just as likely to dive into "rebound" relationships and screw you up, and they are just as likely to be selfish and petty, and just as likely to dump you for someone else. Many of them have just as many continuing obligations, both financially, and in terms of child-raising. The ONLY thing they have going for them, is that they are no longer LABELED as "semi-attached," so you can't point to that LABEL as the reason they acted like jerks. I've had a few people write to me and get self-righteous about my Separated status, and I don't mind, I don't care. I've known people who were gun-shy about getting involved with separated people, because they DID try it, and got burned. But again, they ALSO got burned by divorced people, and by single people. They didn't give up on and disparage EVERYONE, just the one with the label they thought they could get self-righteous about. So that's my view on it. If you hate blacks, or people with blond hair, or people with blue eyes, or people who have been divorced, or people who are overweight, or people who dare to enjoy pastimes you don't, or separated people, just don't date them. No need to publically insult them.

luv2roknroll Joined Sun 07/06/08 Posts: 30367	Fri 06/04/10 05:09 PM
Aaah, an old complaint. I AM a separated person. I AM trying to get on with my life, because the laws where I live DEMAND that I can't get a complete divorce in under two years. In some places, it's even worse: last I heard, in Ireland, they have to stay separated, living apart for SIX YEARS before the government allows them to apply for complete divorce. So anyway, I AM done with my marriage. I am NOT trying to start something new before I finished the first thing. I Am trying to deal honorably with my ex, AND with other people I might meet here and elsewhere, so I am open and honest about my status, AND I am carefully fulfilling my obligations to my children and my ex. I fully understand the annoyance SOME people have with the fact that there are SOME people who PRETEND to be Separated, who are actually cheating on their spouse, and I can appreciate that OCCASIONALLY a separated person ends up going back to their original spouse. But that in no way makes it okay to insult and disparage those of us who are behaving openly and honorably. After all, divorce does NOT make someone magically wonderful again. Divorced people are just as likely to dive into "rebound" relationships and screw you up, and they are just as likely to be selfish and petty, and just as likely to dump you for someone else. Many of them have just as many continuing obligations, both financially, and in terms of child-raising. The ONLY thing they have going for them, is that they are no longer LABELED as "semi-attached," so you can't point to that LABEL as the reason they acted like jerks. I've had a few people write to me and get self-righteous about my Separated status, and I don't mind, I don't care. I've known people who were gun-shy about getting involved with separated people, because they DID try it, and got burned. But again, they ALSO got burned by divorced people, and by single people. They didn't give up on and disparage EVERYONE, just the one with the label they thought they could get self-righteous about. So that's my view on it. If you hate blacks, or people with blond hair, or people with blue eyes, or people who have been divorced, or people who are overweight, or people who dare to enjoy pastimes you don't, or separated people, just don't date them. No need to publically insult them. I wont dont worry!

sweetestgirl11 Joined Fri 09/12/08 Posts: 30087	Fri 06/04/10 05:42 PM
Aaah, an old complaint. I AM a separated person. I AM trying to get on with my life, because the laws where I live DEMAND that I can't get a complete divorce in under two years. In some places, it's even worse: last I heard, in Ireland, they have to stay separated, living apart for SIX YEARS before the government allows them to apply for complete divorce. So anyway, I AM done with my marriage. I am NOT trying to start something new before I finished the first thing. I Am trying to deal honorably with my ex, AND with other people I might meet here and elsewhere, so I am open and honest about my status, AND I am carefully fulfilling my obligations to my children and my ex. I fully understand the annoyance SOME people have with the fact that there are SOME people who PRETEND to be Separated, who are actually cheating on their spouse, and I can appreciate that OCCASIONALLY a separated person ends up going back to their original spouse. But that in no way makes it okay to insult and disparage those of us who are behaving openly and honorably. After all, divorce does NOT make someone magically wonderful again. Divorced people are just as likely to dive into "rebound" relationships and screw you up, and they are just as likely to be selfish and petty, and just as likely to dump you for someone else. Many of them have just as many continuing obligations, both financially, and in terms of child-raising. The ONLY thing they have going for them, is that they are no longer LABELED as "semi-attached," so you can't point to that LABEL as the reason they acted like jerks. I've had a few people write to me and get self-righteous about my Separated status, and I don't mind, I don't care. I've known people who were gun-shy about getting involved with separated people, because they DID try it, and got burned. But again, they ALSO got burned by divorced people, and by single people. They didn't give up on and disparage EVERYONE, just the one with the label they thought they could get self-righteous about. So that's my view on it. If you hate blacks, or people with blond hair, or people with blue eyes, or people who have been divorced, or people who are overweight, or people who dare to enjoy pastimes you don't, or separated people, just don't date them. No need to publically insult them. This is a public forum and I am entitled to my opinion and it prolly won;t change. I am not insulting anyone - as opinions can and do differ. It is based on quite a bit of life experience of my own and of friend's of mine. If u read intelligently u will see that I also prefer men whose divorces are not recent - I would say the same about a break up of an LTR - it's not the status as much as the recent attachment, being emotional as attachments are, we all need time to put the past behind us, and become who we R again without that person who was (or in some cases) still is our partner. We r each entitled to our preferences, and it is my prference to be with someone who doesn't have recent emotional ties to a previous partner. And who is not still tied legally to that previous partner -so, that "in flux" life status means they're still negotiating terms and seeing each other in court and are still in contact regarding issues related to separation & divorce which are often emotional times that would be a dsitraction from our relationship. Yes, I am selfish in that way - that would bother me, and at least I am honest also to admit that. Good luck to u in ur search & in finding what u seek. namaste

Fade2Black Joined Mon 10/08/07 Posts: 50752	Sun 06/06/10 07:11 AM
Aaah, an old complaint. I AM a separated person. I AM trying to get on with my life, because the laws where I live DEMAND that I can't get a complete divorce in under two years. In some places, it's even worse: last I heard, in Ireland, they have to stay separated, living apart for SIX YEARS before the government allows them to apply for complete divorce. So anyway, I AM done with my marriage. I am NOT trying to start something new before I finished the first thing. I Am trying to deal honorably with my ex, AND with other people I might meet here and elsewhere, so I am open and honest about my status, AND I am carefully fulfilling my obligations to my children and my ex. I fully understand the annoyance SOME people have with the fact that there are SOME people who PRETEND to be Separated, who are actually cheating on their spouse, and I can appreciate that OCCASIONALLY a separated person ends up going back to their original spouse. But that in no way makes it okay to insult and disparage those of us who are behaving openly and honorably. After all, divorce does NOT make someone magically wonderful again. Divorced people are just as likely to dive into "rebound" relationships and screw you up, and they are just as likely to be selfish and petty, and just as likely to dump you for someone else. Many of them have just as many continuing obligations, both financially, and in terms of child-raising. The ONLY thing they have going for them, is that they are no longer LABELED as "semi-attached," so you can't point to that LABEL as the reason they acted like jerks. I've had a few people write to me and get self-righteous about my Separated status, and I don't mind, I don't care. I've known people who were gun-shy about getting involved with separated people, because they DID try it, and got burned. But again, they ALSO got burned by divorced people, and by single people. They didn't give up on and disparage EVERYONE, just the one with the label they thought they could get self-righteous about. So that's my view on it. If you hate blacks, or people with blond hair, or people with blue eyes, or people who have been divorced, or people who are overweight, or people who dare to enjoy pastimes you don't, or separated people, just don't date them. No need to publically insult them. lookin around to see who insulted you Being the OP, since I started this thread let me clarify. It was not to insult, or judge, or get all self-righteous, or get anyone's panties in a bunch. I am simply stating from MY point of view, which of course I have every right to HAVE just as you do that it's hard to get into a relationship with someone who is not completely DONE with their last one. I'm talkin legally, physically, emotionally .. whatever floats your boat. Certainly been enough frustrated posts here to keep this baby running, but all I was saying from the beginning was that it's hard to date someone with that kind of status. And I speak subjectively since I've done it. More than once. Just a thread to talk about it. Not get all defensive about. ps .. sux about the 2 yr deal .. didn't know there was anywhere with that time limit on it. Ridiculous

delilady Joined Fri 07/24/09 Posts: 23825	Sun 06/06/10 07:32 AM
As one of the "separated", I did not take anything here as an insult. I think it is great to see both sides. My profile states that I am here for friends but that doesn't stop me from being "interested". It is only natural. The men I talk to are quite aware of my situation and my friends here know that I have agreed that "separated is still married--legally" Once my divorce is final, I would hope that I would be as understanding of a separated man's situation and at least listen to him before I would decide whether or not to take a chance. Every time a relationship begins, it is taking a chance. But it is the integrity of the person that matters most.

Fade2Black Joined Mon 10/08/07 Posts: 50752	Sun 06/06/10 09:18 AM
As one of the "separated", I did not take anything here as an insult. I think it is great to see both sides. My profile states that I am here for friends but that doesn't stop me from being "interested". It is only natural. The men I talk to are quite aware of my situation and my friends here know that I have agreed that "separated is still married--legally" Once my divorce is final, I would hope that I would be as understanding of a separated man's situation and at least listen to him before I would decide whether or not to take a chance. Every time a relationship begins, it is taking a chance. But it is the integrity of the person that matters most. Good to hear re: not being insulted. I do believe people see things as afronts when they feel the world judges them for something. I'm not judging. Not at all. And if I came across that way ANY where in this thread I do apologize to those I offended. But it was never ever my spirit to do so.

popcornncoke Joined Fri 11/02/07 Posts: 2088	Tue 06/08/10 08:45 PM
no.....i wont get involved with someone that has "separated" on their profile......that still means MARRIED....not goin there!!! Just as the ones that have "no answer"....that most generally means they're also married...... I mean, IF they WEREN'T married, they'd state so on their profile!!!!! simple! Not into PLAYAS!!! SHE TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

willy_cents Joined Sat 07/14/07 Posts: 4471	Tue 06/08/10 08:54 PM
I dated a separated lady once(separated for 6 months)....damn near got me shot by her hubby. He still felt possessive about her. Then, they got back together and her dating while separated got the sheet beat out of her. Not worth it on either side. For me now, separated means married and I stay away from them

Fade2Black Joined Mon 10/08/07 Posts: 50752	Wed 06/09/10 07:20 AM
I dated a separated lady once(separated for 6 months)....damn near got me shot by her hubby. He still felt possessive about her. Then, they got back together and her dating while separated got the sheet beat out of her. Not worth it on either side. For me now, separated means married and I stay away from them Like I said. The status concern is more on the part of the one who dates the separated person, not the separated person themselves Actually, to me .. they have the best of both worlds. Just sayin ............