A solution to all of your drinking troubles


Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is
wet.

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue
with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.



Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually
pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.



Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to
its owner about its lack of house training.



Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in
progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.



Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not
complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.



Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you
to the bar.



Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
dog-ends.

Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.



Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You
cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat
yourself to a lie in.



Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.

Solution: Panic.

problem: there is an ugly chick (or dude) in your bed

fault: clearly, you aren't drunk enough

solution: drink until they appear bangable

lmao, beer goggles