Topic: how hard is it? | |
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villians are also very nice...
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to be compassionate, to love someone unconditionally, to be able to laugh together, cry together? to be there through the good and the bad. good men have vanished. "Good men" is such a subjective term, though.... I'll say this -- there's little incentive to be THAT guy (the one you describe) when all it does is make your partners want to change you into someone completely different. Being the "good man" isn't enough -- they want you to morph into an entirely new (antithetical) person. It just isn't worth the time, effort, or aggravation. Sadly, I think this is true. I know I am a few days late to the party but I wanted to chime in on this one. Us good guys are out there, but no we are not the norm. We have been conditioned NOT to be that guy. But this post is right, being that guys leads to your girl wanting you to change. Perhaps I (and the girls I have dated) am just too young, maybe in a few years the games can end. I hear women talk about wanting the "good guy" all the time. I am one, many of my male friends are as well. Women walk over you. Being that nice, loving, forgiving, compassionate guy ... you get turned into a doormat. They say they want the guy that will hold them while they cry about Bambi dying. The guy who will listen when they talk about anything and be interested (if not in the topic, in the fact that she is interested). The guy who isn't afraid to have emotions or hug and kiss his children. Time and again, what happens when these guys are found? They are told to be more "manly". They are cheated on. They are left for the deadbeat "tough guy". They are discarded. Then when they are down and need someone, they are told to tough it out, men don't cry, we drink beer and go fishing... He is right, there is little incentive to be "that guy"... Now that I am done sounding bitter ... how about that weather, wow! Hah, I just reread that and I do sound like a whiny ... well you get it. I will not change what I wrote, it is the truth as this man has seen and experienced it . |
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How hard is it? Touch it and see. and there you have it |
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to be compassionate, to love someone unconditionally, to be able to laugh together, cry together? to be there through the good and the bad. good men have vanished. "Good men" is such a subjective term, though.... I'll say this -- there's little incentive to be THAT guy (the one you describe) when all it does is make your partners want to change you into someone completely different. Being the "good man" isn't enough -- they want you to morph into an entirely new (antithetical) person. It just isn't worth the time, effort, or aggravation. Sadly, I think this is true. I know I am a few days late to the party but I wanted to chime in on this one. Us good guys are out there, but no we are not the norm. We have been conditioned NOT to be that guy. But this post is right, being that guys leads to your girl wanting you to change. Perhaps I (and the girls I have dated) am just too young, maybe in a few years the games can end. I hear women talk about wanting the "good guy" all the time. I am one, many of my male friends are as well. Women walk over you. Being that nice, loving, forgiving, compassionate guy ... you get turned into a doormat. They say they want the guy that will hold them while they cry about Bambi dying. The guy who will listen when they talk about anything and be interested (if not in the topic, in the fact that she is interested). The guy who isn't afraid to have emotions or hug and kiss his children. Time and again, what happens when these guys are found? They are told to be more "manly". They are cheated on. They are left for the deadbeat "tough guy". They are discarded. Then when they are down and need someone, they are told to tough it out, men don't cry, we drink beer and go fishing... He is right, there is little incentive to be "that guy"... Now that I am done sounding bitter ... how about that weather, wow! Hah, I just reread that and I do sound like a whiny ... well you get it. I will not change what I wrote, it is the truth as this man has seen and experienced it . At the same time though, women (like myself) that do appreciate "that guy" get lumped in with all the rest of our species that do as you described and kick "that guy" to the curb for a bad boy.....It's a viscious cycle that makes dating even harder than it already is. We all need to learn to NOT hold new people in our lives accountable for what people in our past have done to hurt us. I've been married to both...bad boy and "that guy"....loved them each with all my heart and was hurt by both. So basically I was screwed if I couldn't learn to "let go" because that pretty much covers both "types" of men out there. People are people. There are good and bad...both male and female. I try not to let my past hurts influence my current relationships. It is very hard...but you have to live it every day, otherwise you never move on! |
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At the same time though, women (like myself) that do appreciate "that guy" get lumped in with all the rest of our species that do as you described and kick "that guy" to the curb for a bad boy.....It's a viscious cycle that makes dating even harder than it already is. We all need to learn to NOT hold new people in our lives accountable for what people in our past have done to hurt us. I've been married to both...bad boy and "that guy"....loved them each with all my heart and was hurt by both. So basically I was screwed if I couldn't learn to "let go" because that pretty much covers both "types" of men out there. People are people. There are good and bad...both male and female. I try not to let my past hurts influence my current relationships. It is very hard...but you have to live it every day, otherwise you never move on! I know that not all women are like what I described and I do know that one day I will find a good gal for me. When I started writing that post it wasn't intended to be a "it's womens fault" type post, that's just how it came out. I was just trying to answer why it can be so hard to find one of us. Another reason we are hard to find is because we generally aren't looking. I am recently out of a bad marriage myself and I have no intentions of doing it again any time soon. The couple friends that I have who I would say are good guys have never really searched either. If you want to find a good guy, look for the shy ones. It's no guaranty but it's a good starting point. |
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Edited by
papersmile
on
Mon 05/10/10 02:05 PM
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it seems to me like a lot of guys want a slut in the bedroom and a lady in the living room.
so why can't us women find a guy who's a little bit of both too? i don't think any of us want the wishy washy geek nor the macho jerk, but rather someone who has qualities across the board. |
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Perhaps I (and the girls I have dated) am just too young, maybe in a few years the games can end. In my experience, age doesn't enter into it at all. The ONLY constant is "I love everything about you!" for 3 months, followed, like clockwork, by "Now I have to CHANGE everything about you." It's not about love, it's not about relationships, it's about being MOLDED to fit someone else's preconceived notion of what's needed. I hear women talk about wanting the "good guy" all the time. It's safe, it's expected, it's what one is SUPPOSED to say. Cliches are preferable to saying anything real about what they really want. I am one, many of my male friends are as well. Women walk over you. Being that nice, loving, forgiving, compassionate guy ... you get turned into a doormat. Or a domesticated farm animal. Or a cardboard cutout. Or someone's idea of a one-dimensional sitcom dad. In my experience, THAT is what they want. Someone who won't make them think, won't challenge them, won't be anything beyond the agreeable puppet. They say they want the guy that will hold them while they cry about Bambi dying. The guy who will listen when they talk about anything and be interested (if not in the topic, in the fact that she is interested). The guy who isn't afraid to have emotions or hug and kiss his children. Time and again, what happens when these guys are found? They are told to be more "manly". They are cheated on. They are left for the deadbeat "tough guy". They are discarded. Then when they are down and need someone, they are told to tough it out, men don't cry, we drink beer and go fishing... But this is just more cliches. I don't drink beer and I have no interest in fishing, and most of my friends (since about the age of 15) have been female, and women are constantly telling me "You're the first guy who ever really took the time to listen to what I had to say." Yet, just let a relationship start, and they need to CHANGE me. Makes sense, huh? He is right, there is little incentive to be "that guy"... There could be, IF someone actually appreciated it. In my experience, that never happens. |
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I think its very hard to find a lady who can just simply, LOVE ME,,for ME!
Fine tuning is something that WE ALL can do,,,yet,,,,REALLY, will THAT then, makes us BETTER to them and toour selves, or do WE CHANGE because THEY WILLFEEL BETTER ABOUT US? |
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There could be, IF someone actually appreciated it. In my experience, that never happens. See? That's a lot of the problem right there. It is so difficult for people to understand that "their experience" is just that! They have come into contact with people or had events happen to them that were bad experiences so they can't imagine that anything other than that exists out there? What is that quote? If you expect the same, you will get the same. Or something like that I think? So in not being able to think past their "experience" (negative experiences) they keep getting more of the same. |
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Edited by
Srp92580
on
Mon 05/10/10 02:27 PM
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LexFonteyne,
Unfortunately, I agree with just about everything you are saying; however, call me a hopeless romantic or whatever, but I don't think that is how it has to be. I know that there are women out there that wouldn't make it a game like that... there have to be, right? But this is just more cliches. I don't drink beer and I have no interest in fishing, and most of my friends (since about the age of 15) have been female, and women are constantly telling me "You're the first guy who ever really took the time to listen to what I had to say." Yet, just let a relationship start, and they need to CHANGE me. Makes sense, huh? This part I do understand all too well. |
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There could be, IF someone actually appreciated it. In my experience, that never happens. See? That's a lot of the problem right there. It is so difficult for people to understand that "their experience" is just that! They have come into contact with people or had events happen to them that were bad experiences so they can't imagine that anything other than that exists out there? What is that quote? If you expect the same, you will get the same. Or something like that I think? So in not being able to think past their "experience" (negative experiences) they keep getting more of the same. I've been through SO many carbon-copy examples of this exact same experience that, yes, it is pretty much impossible for me to imagine that any other possibilities exist out there. I'm not saying every woman is like that, though, which is why I preface these comments with "in my experience." I'm just saying, given history and the extreme unlikelihood of my running across anyone who doesn't fit this pattern, it would be foolish and pointless for me to keep on looking. |
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LexFonteyne, Unfortunately, I agree with just about everything you are saying; however, call me a hopeless romantic or whatever, but I don't think that is how it has to be. I know that there are women out there that wouldn't make it a game like that... there have to be, right? I used to think so. I don't think so anymore. |
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Well I am truly sorry for those that have had so many bad experiences that they can no longer hope for anything other than the same. I hope that I never reach that point in life that I just give up on anything good happening and stop looking altogether.
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I am way too young to say I give up forever as well. I am taking a break from it and have to focus back on myself and my kids. The rest will sort itself out.
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I am way too young to say I give up forever as well. I am taking a break from it and have to focus back on myself and my kids. The rest will sort itself out. Good for you hun! You are wayyyyy to young to give up on anything! There is nothing more important during a divorce than keeping focus on what is most important! Yourself and your family! Good luck babe! |
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Well I am truly sorry for those that have had so many bad experiences that they can no longer hope for anything other than the same. I hope that I never reach that point in life that I just give up on anything good happening and stop looking altogether. It boils down to a sort of cost-benefit analysis. I've been in a lot of relationships. All of them were bad. In the end, I would gladly erase all of them. This tells me something. Sometimes it just isn't worth it. |
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it seems to me like a lot of guys want a slut in the bedroom and a lady in the living room. so why can't us women find a guy who's a little bit of both too? i don't think any of us want the wishy washy geek nor the macho jerk, but rather someone who has qualities across the board. your search will end here just let me know, I'll come to the rescue. |
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