I have tried...I have rehashed and replayed it all and I am still missing something...
Monday I felt so weak and yet so good, so loved and in love.

Tuesday I waited for your call,you text me that afternoon and told me you couldn't wait for
our date. I fell asleep. Woke late and you never called.

Wensday I got a text from your "mom" that said your phone had crashed.
I never had a clue it was far from the truth...

Thursday I called and you never picked up the phone. At first I was a little worried.
Buy that evening I called what was then "our Mother". She said you were fine.
She said you had been at a dinner party and even had a few beers.
I cried the night away. I just could not understand. I kept asking what in the hell did I do that was so wrong?

Friday I was insane. I was so angry at you. I could not figure out why you would not use your mothers phone if yours was broken.

Saturday was torcher and I could not wait any longer I wanted answers. We spoke of the colors in our wedding just days before, so nothing could be wrong, could it,answere the phone and tell me..

sunday apart of me died....My heart, my soul, my everything...
I cant eat and I cant sleep. The drugs only help a little, the pain is to great.
It does not take the dreams away or the pain in my heart.
It does not give me answers, or make all the past , our past go away.
It replays and cuts deeper than any knife could.

They have drugs for the cancer, the muscle spasms the bronchial spasms but there
isn't any drug to take the pain and hurt away from my broken heart.

The hole in my heart is so big. I wish I could just fall in it and disappear.
You were told, I told you that I could not love and lose again.
I told you it would be the end of me.
I was so scared of you and you told me you would never hurt me like that.
I was coming to you, you were my destiny...
I was working things out and on my way..

You gave me so much hope.
How could you think that I would be okay with you leaving.
You know me, or at least I kidded myself into thinking you did.

Your crying only told me how much you really loved me. it did make me feel bad, but it also helped me want to get stronger that much faster.
To get my act together and be what you wanted.
Why was it to much to love me and give me some time to heal to prepare myself
for you mentally and physically?

Why would you rather have nothing than what we had?
You made me feel it was magical. the connection was so strong and so great.
Why couldn't you feel this was wrong and my heart would be torn to shreds?

Why was it so easy for you to leave me?
Why did you think it was okay to just walk away?
My God I fought this battle so hard for you.
You have no idea what I went through. And that was my right.

I am sick Isn't that enough turmoil for one person to endure?
But I had decided that I did not want to do it alone anymore.
I was opening up to you, letting you all the way in.
That was not easy for me.

But I was letting you in. Getting myself ready for whatever came.
I did not want you here for so many reasons.
You know most of them.
Some things you don't, it does not matter now, but it mattered than.
You said you understood.
You made me believe that you were okay, we were okay.

Why did you offer me so much if you were not going to let me in just days before?
You asked me to be your wife for God sakes.
Your children called me Mommy.
Was I just suppose to shrug my shoulders and say oh well and be okay?
Why do I have to fight cancer and loose the man who swore he would be here for me no matter what, for however long it took.


Why did you feel we could not talk about this?
God you were my everything.
You said you didn't lie, what would you call it?
A change of heart?

I am sorry that I cant get it.
I suppose in time I will.
I hope I am not around if it takes to much longer to figure out
and understand.
The pain is so unbearable.

If you knew me like you said than u know that I don't give a damb about money.
If you knew me like you said than you should have known that I would not be okay
with you just walking away.

I seriously had no clue why you just walked out on my heart
our dreams, your promises.
I never meant to hurt you.
Tell me what am I suppose to do with all this pain?

We were best friends and now we are nothing.
I gave you all of my heart
And I was working on giving you me physically.
How do I get you out of my head.
When will I stop asking why?

Why cant you understand how hard this is for me.
All you had to do is be there.
All you had to do is answer the phone
All you had to do was love me.

I had to try and learn to not cringe when people look at me.
I had to try and learn that being in a diaper was okay.
I had to try and learn that 5 baths a day didn't always take the stench from being sick away.
I had to try and learn that puking was apart of the cancer.
I had to try and learn that the big green diaper looked better in sweats and not
jeans.
I had to try and learn that the once soft lips would be softer with coat after coat of chap stick
I had to try and learn that the tube in my chest keeps me alive even if it left ugly marks and was hard to hide.
I had to try and learn that sleep was essential and okay to do so.

I had to try and comes with the realization that I might not make it even after all the fighting, but it was better to have sometime with you and the kids than none at all.
I had to learn that I might have to ask for help.

I feel like a failure, I feel like a loser.
I feel like my x was right.
I am nothing but damaged goods.
Maybe I should have been what my dad was teaching me to be.
I hear women of the night don't get emotionally attached.

I do not know how to let you go
You are so deep down in m soul.
You were my heartbeat
my breath
my dreams
my love
my hope
my life

How do I go on from here?

I will never love again.
I will never trust again.
I will never let anyone close.

Why is life so cruel. Tell me what I did to deserve this pain?
Tell me how to hate you because I cant?

Eghad! Someone had a rough ride recently! Well, you fell of the bicycle. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back on it and ride. Eventually the pain does go away but some times the scars don't. All you can do is admire old battle scars of the past and revel in surviving such injury! the right person will make you forget all of the past trauma.

May the healing begin!

Thank you!

Wow,that was sad

sorry that some jerk is treating such a beautiful and deep person so poorly.

some guys.



. . .

Yeah I just checked out your profile. Damn I want to fly over there and beat your ex up! You are pretty hot! Girl, move on! beauty like yours should not be like pearls cast to swine!

trust me, there is no reason you should let your heart be pulled along by a choad who doesn't appreciate curves like yours!


Pardon me while I stuff my eyes back in my head!