Rumoured to be True!


The CAT User's Manual...
CAT V7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester
Manufactured by MOMCAT

System Design Specifications
User Friendly
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Routines for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode
Production Details
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM
programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during
this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations
between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units.
Users may sometimes salvage rejected units.

Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.

Transportation
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the
operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss
or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify
that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the
system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The
user may manually remove any bugs.

Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20° C (+/-
3° tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open
the transporation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the
self learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins. These
should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry
energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be
possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or
two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer
overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The
MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. Afer 72
hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.

The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in
all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment
requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum.
This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability
comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit
autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs.
Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration.
Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to
exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may
happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT
file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be
reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This
lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many
owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the
CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is
discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. Such units will sit
across the room with its back to you.

Applications
At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT.

MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.

Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they
are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to
reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:

CACHE

The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the
object must be smaller.

JUMP

Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new
heights of operation.

MIRROR

Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse
itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

CHASE

Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as
one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING

Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
Maintenance

CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.

CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean
the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a
violent explosion.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive
Technician) for a system checkup.

Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts
inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, or acting otherwise
than normal, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female
scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic
aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are
plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently
by removing an internal part. Such systems should run unix.

Warning Notices

CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented
situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or
obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems.
Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to
milspecs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a
unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz.
Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3
nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the
user.

Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may
BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To
avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.

Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage.

Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".

Service Life

As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation.
The CAT may become too smart for its own good.

CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird
watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal
service. Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra
capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

User Groups

CAT users can find other users and an faq on the Usenet newsgroup
rec.pets.cats.


Lifetime Warranty

The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons
are included.


Documented Problems

The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious
performance problems.

Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit.
These tend to disappear.

System Features

Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in
the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.

Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.

Memory = Not much.

Upgrades available real soon now.


Expected Lifetime = 15 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are
common).

Weight = 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.

Speed = 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist
technology.

Color Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey
shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of high
resolution floating point pixels.
Sound Chip = 16 octaves, digital MIdi OUtput (MI-OU).
Power Consumpution = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)

Operating Range = -30° to +45° C (-22° to 105°)

Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.

This, and things like it, belong in the Jokes & Funny Stories section.
It doesn't matter that its technically neither a 'joke' or a 'Story'.
The general section is cluttered enough as it is.

....great detail!...

nicely put in regards to cats.