Hey Minglers,

I want to help out an acquaintance of mine who I have never met. It is a long story as to how I know her, but lets just say she kept me from getting involved with this violent man she claims to love.

About this guy:

He's been in jail for over a year for arson
Has rape and domestic abuse charges attached to him

She birthed three of his kids which he does not see .. ever. He beats her, threatens her, etc. She isn't allowed to leave the house or have friends. She has to be very sneaky around him. She claims she is unhappy, but is confused because she does after all love this guy. They live together even though they are not together because she has nowhere else to go. Her mom is currently raising the kids away from all the madness. She said she has been to providence houses and such. According to her, this guy she apparently loves his also a stalker and crazy to the max.

I don't speak to her often. It bothers me that she is in this situation, but it bothers me even more that she won't do more to help herself even though she claims she has tried. Is she just not trying hard enough? Or do you think she has gotten so used to the situation? she said she wants out, that she just wants to be happy. I believe there is a way out of every bad situation as long as you have the resources needed. And I realize it may take some time, but this has been going on for years according to her. So who would like to provide me with some resources or at least try to help out?

The situation is getting to me and I want to help her. I've met the guy and he was very sneaky with me and likes telling pity stories.

She just texted me and said that she needs to break the hold he has on her. She said it is like an addiction and it is far worse than doing drugs or being an alcoholic. I don't know what to do, but I'm ready to start a mob and go after the dude myself.

Thanks, Guys.

Nothing you can do honey. I have been in her shoes in my 20s, and its with her consent.
Just hope that he finally does something so bad, she cant live with it, and leaves,or/ and calls the cops on him-
they will be happy to put him back in jail.
All you can DO, is be her friend, stick to your guns, that hes no good for her, and if you cant watch it anymore, tell her so, and drop the relationship.
It can be very draining, since its pretty much you giving, her staying put and taking.

The thing she AND you need to see, is, that SHE picked this guy, and remains with him.
Lip action isnt change, its just talk.

I agree

A woman who is being abused can only get HERSELF out of the abusive situation

No one can do it for her or force her to do it

She will reach the point
Of either

Saying enough is enough
Or the point of no return

You can give her hotline numbers in your area
For safe shelters and domestic violence help groups so she has it

But only SHE can end it!!

Sounds like you need to talk to CPS and/or the cops.

I know .. you're all so very right. It's just disturbing to me.

The most important lesson I have learned in this life is that you CAN change yourself and your reactions to others, but YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. By trying to do this for her, you are enabling her to not do it for herself. If SHE cannot do it for herself and her children, you certainly cannot. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is walk away--for you, too!

It is an addiction....this guy enables her to stay in drama.

This guy enables her to remain firmly entrenched in high drama, and low self esteem....and she enables him the same.


and the tough love approach...?

Tell her so.

If she wants out, then she needs to sh * t or get off the pot.

Challenge her, she will probably get cranky...however, if she does want out, she'll call back.


I have had women living in horrendously brutal domestic violence situations choose to stay.... for years....and then, they wake up one day and just cannot keep doing it, they leave...and appear on my doorstep, children in hand, ready to make the break.

You have to be tough.... and call it for what it is.... to help them see what it is, and be able to be accountable.

I see your point. It does make sense.

I also see your point which makes sense as well. Like I said, I don't talk to her often seeing as I don't know her that well. But I've had few long discussions with her.