A wise old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond." Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shi#t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.



Top Ten Stupid Things To Be Thankful For

10. Silly Putty. Gives me insight to what augmented women will feel like in their golden years

9. Infomercials. Without them, I'd be rich.

8. Penny Saver. Where else would I sell things I bought from Infomercials.

7. Polyester. Has kept me "Lookin' Good" for many years.

6. Disco Music. Don't laugh, it'll be back, and I'll have all the babes!

5. Rectal Thermometers. For those nights when I got the "Boogie Fever."

4. Spanish Fly. If ya gotta ask, you don't need to know why.

3. 8 Track Players. Cause the music sounds so good.

2. My 3 inches. Because some women like it that wide

1. Community Mental Health, where the Lithium is free!!


Here's to me, and here's to you,
And here's to love and laughter-
I'll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.

Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!

An Irishman is never drunk as long as
He can hold onto one blade of grass and not
Fall off the face of the earth.

May your future be blessed with green pastures
and soon be blessed with the sound of pidder-patters
but pray and pray, that a good gene is found
that your baby don't look like a hound.


A little old lady goes to a store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

Pardon me sir, she says to the store manger, but can you explain the differences in all theses toilet papers?

Well, he explains pointing at 1 brand, this is as soft as a baby’s kiss. It sells for $1.50 per roll.

He grabs another roll and says, this is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it sells for $1.00 per roll.

Pointing to the bottom shelf , he tells her this is our no name brand and it sells for $.20cents per roll. She says, give me the no name roll.

About a week later, seeks out the manger and says, I have a name for your no name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.

Why, the manger asked the old lady.

She says its rough, its tough, and don't take crap off of anyone!