Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.

# I feel like I'm diagonally
parked in a parallel universe.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
- Mark Twain

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Tough being an alcoholic .But someone's gotta do it