Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice ****! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety.

The doctor asks why he needs so much.

The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers.

The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?',

'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

cop catches a woman prostituting and say "lady it's illegal to sell sex" she responds "i'm not! i'm selling expensive condoms with free ***** samples"

An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ***!!!!!!!'

Two hillbillies walk into a bar.
While having a shot of whiskey,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,
who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so,
it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and
shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,
lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her but
cheek a lick with his tongue!!!

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly
walks slowly back to the bar.


His partner says,
'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver' but
I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Worx purrrty good.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time."

She replied, "You have the biggest dick out of all your friends."

lol nice

>
> > An old country Preacher had a teenage son, and it was
getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

> > Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he
wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
> >
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four
objects:
> > - a Bible,
> > - a Silver Dollar,
> > - a bottle of Whiskey, and
> > - a Playboy
magazine
> > 'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old
Preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon,
I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a
Preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
dollar, he's going to be a Businessman, and that would be okay, too. But
if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord,
what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine
he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'
> > The old man waited
anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house
whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

> > With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

> > Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his
arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He
uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's
Centerfold.
> > 'Lord have Mercy,' the old preacher
disgustedly whispered, 'he's gonna be a politician!
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.


A sign read:
'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy, and
smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elder Scot was carried off on the
shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the same salesman
visited the same little town and saw a faded sign (for the same circus)
and the same sign that read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing
his act!

He bought a ticket.

Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on
the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with the Scotsman, after
the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman.

"But I have to know something....You're older now, why switch from walnuts to
coconuts?"

''Well laddie," said the Scot,
"Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."


laugh

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

snoop dogg has come out with a new line of condoms....they're called....fo jizzle

alright lady at least someones laughing

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of
the church by hand.

He notices,
however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the
original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued
in all of the subsequent copies.

The
head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but
you make a good point, my son.'

He
goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for
him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.


'We missed the R ! We missed the R !


We missed the R !'


His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong,
father?'


With A
choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...



CELEBRATE!

A boy sitting on a drive way is seen by his mom licking the cat, eating m&m's and scooting down the pavement a little. Then he repeats the process. Licks the cat, eats some m&ms and moves down a bit.
Curious the mom asks the son 'what are you doing?"
The boy replies "licking p***Y, poppin pills and movin on down the road....



ya, i know lame but its all I could think of.

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine,again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.