Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? I mean no one is gonna try to get out!

There are Government regulations on the lawful disposal of human remains...

Well out in the country we didn't have mortuaries
and so it was always customary
to lay the dead out right there at home.
Well the church would loan ya foldin' chairs
abd you'd have visitation and everything right there
and when the nighttime come you had to sit up with the dead
'cause it wasn't right to leave them alone.

The last time I sat up was in '65 when my old arthritic Uncle Fred died
he was so stooped over the morticians couldn't straighten him out.
They used used a loggin' chain to tie him down
and covered that all up with a cape and a gown
'cause that's the kind of thing folks just don't want to know about

Well we were all sittin' there it was 3 in the mornin'
When there come up a cloud, a thunderin lightnin' and stromin'
The lightnin' flashed and the house went black
and the chain 'round old Uncle Fred went 'snap'
and rattled and fell to the floor with a thump
and Uncle Fred just sat right up.

Well I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more, I don't know 'bout you
I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more no matter what ya say or do.
They say the dead can't hurt ya cause they already left
but what they left can sure make ya hurt yourself.
And I ain't sittin up with the dead no more since the dead started sittin up too.

Well when Fred sat up so did everybody there
and there came a great partin' of the foldin chairs.
The preacher nearly knocked me down, he said
"I'm headed out that kitchen door over there."
I said "Rev that kitchen ain't got no door in it"
He said "Don't worry son, it will have in minute."
And I ain't never seen so much jumpin' and shovin' before.

Then somebody stepped on the old cat's tail
it let out a scream, a screech, a wail
and to say the least that didn't help to calm the situation down.
Then the lightnin' flashed and the thunder cracked
and I spoke to feets I said "Boys make tracks"
and I went out that screen door lickety split for town.

Well I cut through the cemetary, fell in a hole.
It was Uncle Fred's grave and it was dark and cold.
Well the town drunk dug it and he dug it too deep
and unbeknownst to me he's still in there asleep
and I'm jumpin' and scratchin' trying to get out of that hole when he says
"Might as well come over here and sit down beside me boy
'cause you ain't gettin' outa here tonight."
But I did.

And I ain't sittin up with the dead no more, I don't know about you.
Well I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more no matter what ya say or do
They say the dead can't hurt ya 'cause they already left
but what they left can sure make you hurt yourself.
And I ain't sittin up with the dead no more since the dead started sittin up too.
Next time I'm just gonna send flowers.....

So that nobody has to scoop up grandpa when one of the pallbearers trips.

Good point.........

todays caskets are fairly airtight with a rubber gasket and crank down locks. if they gotta dig you up, youll still be halfways presentable

Hahahaha.....so if you weren't quite dead yet....you can't pop up mid service and scare the patooey out of old aunt Ethel...

Ehel put your clothes back on.........They call me The Streak. Boogada boogada............

Undead will and testament:

If you think me to be braindead, wait a day or two, it should pass.

If braindeath is confirmed (by at least three impartial sources), don't just pull my feeding tube, terminate with explosives. If I start giggling when I see explosives, wait a day or two, it should pass.

In the unlikely event that I die with my body left intact (...uh...), do not use makeup on the body. Keep the casket closed and bury my nasty carcass like a man.

Or, if it's still in decent shape, give it to cannibals to fight world hunger.

Fun historical fact: that happened to Abe Lincoln's mom when she was pregnant with Abe. She was epileptic.

I was thinking of the whole urban myth of Rigor Mortis....with a monty python twist...

Yup. I know of Rigor, but didn't finish watching Monty fully.

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.

Oh gods-may-be. I need coffee before reading anymore of that.

grave Robers and satanic cults that dig up people and rip their skulls, etc? maybe?

i think we have a winner!

That's great! Thanks!

Remember Hurricane Katrina?







If the caskets were not sealed, there would be bodies everywhere

When rigor mortis sets in, the fluid in the body becomes tight and constricts, which, on occasion, causes the body to move involuntarily. When a body is placed in a coffin, the lid is nailed shut to prevent an arm or leg from forcefully opening the casket.