Soooo…I've quit smoking. Yup that's right, I remember saying nothing
could every get me to quit. Well, after cigarettes caused me to pass
out, butt naked, in front of a female friend of mine, I realized
something…I was wrong.
Now your wondering how in the hell a cigarette could make me do
something like that. Well I'll tell you.
It all started when I was getting dressed in front of my bedroom
mirror. I was looking in the mirror, and noticed I had a the start of
some love handles. It was the beginning of summer, so I figured it was
about time to work off my winter weight. And what better way to do that
then to start running every morning. You see, I used to run two miles
every morning last summer. So I figured running a mile or two every
morning THIS summer would be a piece of cake, if I could do it then, I
can do it now. Well, I had forgotten that last year, I wasn't SMOKING A
PACK AND A HALF A DAY. That's something you want to remember when
planning any strenuous activity…such as running two miles….up hill.
Yeah that's right, UP HILL. How's that for a first run of the season.
Did I mention that I have asthma? Ok so anyway, there I am, standing
outside my apartment in black running shoes, black shorts, and a black
sports shirt. And I'm smoking a cigarette. The picture of the perfect
athlete. Big 'ol beer gut, smoke billowing out of my face, and a
cigarette burn on the side of my shirt. Oh yeah I'm ready to run an
Olympic marathon…the "special Olympics"…maybe. If I compete with that
retorted kid with a peg leg .
Ok, so off I go, with no stretching before hand, and a cigarette in my
mouth, oh if only I knew the horrors that were about to befall me.
Well about half way down the block I chuck the cig. at least. Now for
the first two blocks, I'm fine, then, about halfway past the third
block, I hit the wall. I cant catch my breath, my legs go numb, and my
vision goes blurry. But, being the stubborn idiot I keep on going…I
push on for about two more blocks, and all of a sudden, my chest feels
like its going to explode, so then I finally decide to turn around and
run back. that's right, run. Don't know why I did it, I was thinking
the whole time, slow down ****tard, your gunna pass out in the middle of
the road, and some blind old lady is going to run you over.
So through some miracle, I somehow make it home, and after chugging
about three gallons of water, naturally I run to the bathroom to throw
it all up. After im done spewing, I undress turn on the cold water, and
take a cold shower…now, once I got out and dried off, I went to the
bedroom to get into some dry cloths, I grab some shorts and sit on my
bed to put them on….and pass out cold. So there I am, butt naked, ass
in the air, one leg hanging off the side of the bed, and my face berried
in the pillow.
Now, normally this wouldn't be so bad. I would wake up later, feeling
like crap, put some cloths on, and everything would be fine…but I had
forgotten one very important thing…a friend of mine was coming over that
morning. A female one at that. Now, I had left my radio blaring that
morning when I left, and being in the state I was when I got home, I
didn't really think about turning it off. Well I was still passed out
when she showed up…and when I didn't answer when she knocked…she came
inside looking for me. I'm sure you see where this is going. So
needless to say, I wake up to the sounds of a woman screaming.
Apparently she thought I was dead. Well all I'm thinking about is there
is a women standing in my doorway screaming at the top of her lungs, so
I run over trying to find out what's wrong…and then without taking a
breath, her screams turn to hysterical laughter. And its at this point
that I realize I'm not wearing any cloths…so after I run over to my bed
and pull my sheets around myself, and I finally get her to stop laughing
and leave the room, I put some cloths on and head out to the living
room.
And as I tell her what happened…I put a cigarette in my mouth, and as
I'm about to light it, a little switch clicks on in my head. THIS IS
WHY IM IN THIS SITUATION. So I take a look at the girl I'm with, and
take a look at my cigarette, and I toss that thing out the porch window
like it's a lit stick of dynamite.

(true story...well most of it is. lol)