Think about what your mother would want from you.

I cannot judge or think the way she would, but I do have a hunch, that deep in her heart she wants you to live life to its fullest extent. Letting everything go is not what she wants from you. This is making her sad. What would make her happy is for you to find a middle way in creating a life that offers happiness, laughter, and productivity at the same time.

If you love music and teaching then you should do it. Organize yourself! Create a webpage. Offer it to people and let your inner laughter laugh again.

You can ressurrect your life and reestablish a activity that makes you feel productive and essential to living a life.

Don't let the magical estate and your life perish for that is not what your mother would want. It is not what you want if you really look deep inside of you.

It can be done.

As always, you're absolutely right John.

I recognized this in the poem I wrote the very day that my mother died.


~ Empty Heart ~

~~~

Waves crash upon the rocks
with undulating persistence
washing away the sands of time
that gave birth to our existence

From ashes to ashes and dust to dust
everything cycles in form
this is the nature of life as we know it
it's a endless emotional storm

My mother was a living testament
to the beautiful things that arise
and now that she's gone there's nothing to do
but wipe the tears from my eyes

Emptiness is but a void
a void that carries great pain
emptiness within my soul
is an unbearable emotional drain

I loved my mother more than I can say
I've told her many times
but knowing that does not relieve
the pain of all my crimes

In retrospect I could have done
this, and that, and so much more
my mother never thought like that
she wasn’t one to keep the score

She accepted life with all its woes
and rejoiced in all its joy
the only wish she ever had
was to love her little boy

She loved her little girl as well
for love is what she was
a thought of mom will bring a smile
because it always does

It really is that simple
my mother was like a star
spreading rays of loveshine
that traveled near and far

Missing her is hard to take
her vacant room left in her wake
death has shaken like a quake
my empty heart so full of ache

Everything seems so futile now
it doesn't make sense to plan
nothing will ever replace her
for nothing ever can

The tides recede from the rocky beach
and sand is washed away
loneliness lingers as the waters calm
and emptiness fills the day

Sunlight glistens on the ocean's skin
sparkling like a magickal wand
a visual signal from heaven
a message from the great beyond

Life as we know it is temporary
for everyone dies in the end
life's an illusion of atoms and dust
an illusion we all must transcend

My mother's in spiritual form once again
and she's watching her little boy grow
I need to be thankful for all of her memories
and for all that she gave me I owe

I can't now go back to give her more love
but I can live with love in my heart
for this is what my mother would wish
and it's what I must impart

The empty void that fills my heart
will not be easy to ignore
but filling it with love will be,
my most endearing chore

Loving my mother is still alive
even though she's no longer here
I'll love her forever with all of my heart
as I pursue my empty frontier

~~~


Now if I can just live up to the sentiments I expressed in the poem I'll be alright.

I can imagine it is easier said then done. I can sense the pain you suffer the sorrow you anguish and the missing you hurt. I do hope you can see the bigger picture and that is that all your loved ones, especially your mother, wants to see you happy. I think one way is to accept the cycles of life as we know it and press forward regardless.

Don't waste a brilliant mind in sorrow
Don't push it off for another tommorow

Make it worth while and much fun
Bring hope to those who have none

Do one project at a time that is fine
If you get a sign then don't waste time

Life is beautiful no matter what form
many will mourn and feel very torn

but we should see it as only a new beginning
and play music and start really singing

So get yourself in shape and back together
and leave a footstep for everyone forever