On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and
get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and
bawls, "and get me another whisky you *****!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach.
"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now, *****, or I'll
give you a slap".
Next moment both he and the parrot were wrenched up and thrown out of
the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who
can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"




A burglar broke into a house and was skulking as silently as he could
when he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching".
He stopped dead in his tracks and listened.
A minute went by and he heard nothing, so he started to move again.
"Jesus is watching", came the voice in the dark.
His eyes were adjusting to the light and he noticed a cage in the corner
containing a parrot.
"Was that you talking bird?"
The parrot said "yes"
"What's your name little bird?"
"Clarence", the parrot said.
"Clarence? who would name a bird Clarence?" , the burglar laughed.
The parrot said, "The same person who named the rottweiller Jesus"!



A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative.
The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors
Turkeys and rushes back home before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot
has been doing.
The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop
it he's going to shave the parrots head....
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws
his neighbors turkeys again.
The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his
head....
The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to
please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the parrot on a
piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and
tell them where to sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine ... "Grooms side to the left and Brides side to
the right".
And then two bald guys walk in and he says, "And you two Turkies up on
the piano with me"






A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking parrots on a perch and
says: "the parrot on the left costs $500.00".
"Why does that one cost so much?" asked the shopper.
The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot and was told that this one costs
$1,000.00 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it
knows the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly started man asks about the third parrot to
be told that it costs $2,000.00.
Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing
but the other two call him boss!"


A pet store.
This guy walks into a pet store. For the past two weeks he has suspected
his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell
him what goes on at his house during the day while he is at work.
'Well' says the pet store owner, 'I only got one bird that can do that,
but he's got no legs. The guy looks at him and says, 'Well if he ain't
got no legs, how's he balance himself on the perch.
'He's got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch.' The guy
thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot.
He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the
perch for balance.
Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been
cheating on him. Every time the same answer, 'Raawk, nothing doing,
Raawk'.
Well, one day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of
its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. 'Raawk, big
happenings, Raawk, big happenings'.
'Well, what happened?' asks the man. The parrot responds, 'Raawk, first
your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast,
raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her
shirt.
'And, and, then what happens?' asks the man really upset. 'Raawk, I
don't know, that's when I got a woody and fell off my perch!'



Walking to work.
A lady was walking to work and she saw a parrot in a cage in front of
the pet store.
The parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot who once again said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly."
Well, she was incredibly ticked now!
The next day she saw the parrot and it said to her, yet again, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she
would sue them and kill that damned bird...
The store manager said, "I am so sorry, ma'am," and promised the parrot
wouldn't say it again.
The next day, the lady walked past the store after work and the parrot
said to her, "Hey lady..."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The parrot said, "You know."


Sassy Parrot.
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and
set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook
the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming -
then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened
the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm
sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I
ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May
I ask what the chicken did?"

On the first day of creation, God created the parrot.

:On the second day, God created man to serve the parrot.

:On the third day, God created all the vegetables and nuts of the earth
to serve as potential food for the parrot.

:On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for
the good of the parrot.

:On the fifth day, God created cables and ropes so that the parrot could
chew through them.

:On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the parrot
healthy and the man broke.

:On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to clean the parrot
cages...





A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're
really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot again and it said to her, "Hey
lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day she walks past the same parrot again and it says to her,
"Hey lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was so ticked that she went
into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure
the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady!" She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said,
"You know."

great jokes! these were amazing!

Cheap Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed
awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you
first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room,
then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind
of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them
enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"



Mean Parrot
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since
she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog;
he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any
circumstances, talk to the parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he
discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as
she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"



Rude Parrot
A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think
of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude.

Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions."

"I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions."

"I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior".

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did?"



Quiet Parrot
A lady desiring companionship bought a parrot from a local pet store,
complete with cage. Before purchasing it she asked for a guarantee that
it would talk and was assured that it would.

She took the parrot home. Then, a week and a half later, she returned to
the store very disappointed.

"The parrot doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a mirror?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a mirror."

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another
week and a half went by and she returned again.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a ladder?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a ladder." So she bought a ladder and installed it
in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned yet again.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a swing?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a swing." So she bought a swing and installed it in
the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious! The
store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"

"No!, he died."

"Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"



Costly Parrot
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic
parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher
and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The
fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to
the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have
paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept
bidding against you.'



Horny Parrot
A woman had a female parrot which kept saying: "Hello, I am very horny.
Do you want to have some fun?"

She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the
problem. The Pastor said, "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male
parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good
influence on her."

So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into
the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, "Hello, I am very horny.
Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other one
and said, "Put away the Bible, our prayers have been answered."

What do you call a parrot who goes out in the rain wearing a mac and
carrying an umbrella?
Polyunsaturated!

What do you call a dead parrot?
Polygon!

What do parrots take for headaches?
Parrotcetamol!

Where is parrot heaven?
Parrotdise!

What do you call a whole pile of budgies, parrots, macaws, ****atiels
all in one cage?
Polyglot!

What is a parrots favorite sport?
Parrotgliding!

I only know one parrot joke Tom

I had a pet parrot and it could talk but it couldn't say "I'm hungry" so
it died

AND FINALLY:

A Parrot Which Never Talks...
There's a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet
shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what
the problem is.

"Your parrot has too much hook in it's beak, what you have to do is file
it's beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be
careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off
the bird will drown the first time it has a drink."

The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak
modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it
himself.

A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet
shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The
parrot owner says "the parrots dead". Pet shop guy says "I told you not
to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?".

Ex-parrot owner says "**** no, he was dead before I got him out of the
vice!!"

poor birdie in the last one!!

I have 2 parrot stories to tell. One is about being at a party where I
met an African gray parrot with beady eyes. I am a bird person, having
****atiel experience. As I put my pinkie near the cage, all the host had
to say was he likes fingers.
I guess he liked to eat them.
Then, my next experience with a large bird was a McCaw...ya know the
beautiful things with long tails, kind of green and blue, and big
beaks........expensive....
Well, we were in a laundry room with this thing sitting on a perch, and
I put my arm up for him to get on. He leaned over, and so I thought he
was going to get on... said the owner...who showed me how to hold my arm
just so. He got on? Wrong. He leaned over, took a big bite out of my
arm, and my jacket. Thankfully it was nylon, so all he got was the
jacket, and some fat. I carried the bruise for months. And ya know the
lesson here is never show your finger to an African gray, and if his
eyes get beady, look out. And never put your arm up for a McCaw because
that might not be what he is after. It could be U.