For my Catholic friends and the rest of you too.



>> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
>> priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
>>
>> The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
>>
>> The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
>> together, but then I stopped.'
>>
>> The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
>> sex. You're not to see that woman again.
>>
>> For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in
>> the poor box .'
>>
>> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
>> then walked over to the poor box.
>>
>> He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
>>
>> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
>> saying, 'I saw that You didn't put any money in the
>> poor box!'
>>
>> The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
>> the box, and according to you, that's the same as
>> putting it in!'
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>> There once was a religious young woman who went to
>> Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
>>
>> 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
>>
>> The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
>>
>> The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad
>> passionate love to me seven times.'
>>
>> The priest thought long and hard and then said,
>> 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the
>> juice.'
>>
>> The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
>> sins?'
>>
>> The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off
>> of your face.'
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>> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
>> pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went
>> to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.
>> Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'
>>
>> Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
>> have services for an animal in the church. But there are
>> some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin'
>> what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
>> creature.'
>>
>> Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do
>> ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
>> service?'
>>
>> Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
>> Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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>> An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
>> conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a
>> wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,
>> and great grandchildren.
>>
>> Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We
>> went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
>>
>> Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
>>
>> Man: 'What sins? '
>>
>> Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
>>
>> Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
>>
>> Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
>>
>> Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.